i cant write anymore

the words just dont come

theres no rush of emotion as i dive in

theres nothing but emptiness now

and a dull ache in my hands

of dying dreams.

i write something and then i erase it

hating how it looks

so empty and void of emotion

it doesnt resemble anything i've ever written

it's foreign to me like it's written in another language

one i didn't know existed

the girl in the mirror looks different

her eyes glow so brightly but deep inside

a part of her has died at the keyboard

unable to write anything more

i've become emotionally drained

numb to the world around me

i can no longer describe the wind against my skin

or a hug surrounding me

it's all fuzzy, stuck in my head

and refusing to escape through my fingertips

creating works of art on paper.

i can't quite seem to find you.

the old me.

I can't quite seem to find you

Yet, you always seem to find me

How is it that my aim were dreams

But your dreams are me?

So tell me, how can I find you?

How did you find me in the seas

Of trauma, where my thoughts anchored

My being to aimless troubled needs

To what lengths much I stretch for you?

Must I delve into the fire of your ire?

Or hold you when illness keeps you still?

Perhaps you shouldn't have to tell

Perhaps I should always know

Now I will passionately fortell

That I will die trying to find you--

And make you a Heaven out of my Hell.

I can't quite seem to find you

no matter how hard I try

not in the rivers or the mountains

you're nowhere in sight

sometimes I wonder

if you even exist

I'm looking for self worth

It's you I sorely miss.

the ship is rocking and I cling to the rails,

squeezing my eyes closed and letting

the sound of the waves like thunder echo in

between my thoughts as my feet slide out

from under me and I’m crashing against

the water the deep drowning dry water

my head breaks the surface to take a

breath of the cold watery air, washing

into my lungs and filling me, weighing

me down as I’m submerged again by

floods of images, bright and persistent:

: staring at the cracked sidewalk,

walking home silent and alone

: hiding inside an oversized

sweater in the back of the class

: lost in a sea of brick and collared

shirts and faces and watching eyes

: separated by windowpanes and

held captive by an inactive mind

the storm is over and a body floats to

the surface, eyes reflecting the patterns

of the sky a mirror reflecting back a

face of possibility, of uncertainty, of fear,

and I’m paralyzed and I’m half-submerged

in the heavy air, too light for the water

and too burdensome for the sky,

trapped between horizontal lines

and even staring at myself, reflecting

over and over and over and over and over

the only words I can mouth are a

message to my own heart a plea:

: tell me who you are because

I can’t quite seem to find you...

Did we go out on Thursday?

I just can’t seem to remember

You accompanied me to the game though

Is that when you managed to run away?

Or maybe I shoved you under the bed

Careless, imprudent, into the darkness

Made a mistake, I know, my friend

I’m sure I was just frustrated and upset

And now when I need you more than ever

I can’t quite seem to find you

My one grey sock of the finest pair

Oh please just make your way back to the other!

You were there

when I went to bed

last night,

by my side,

hand in hand;

when I woke,

you were gone,

hidden perhaps,

within layers

of fog and mist,

though your hand

was still in mine.

You looked at me

from within

the murky depths

of your confusion

your eyes

vague and lost -

Mama

you said,

no darling,

it’s me,

your wife.

The lights of the spaceship flickered. My ears were ringing. What happened?

I opened my eyes and scanned the deck. Why did my whole body hurt~ all the way from my head to my toes?

The rest of the crew were not at their stations. I was alone at the steering and navigation section.

I tried scanning the ship for other signs of life— nothing. Did they abandon the ship?

My next plan was to just search the other sections on foot. It seems as though we either ended up losing a battle, or crashing into something.

I have to figure out what happened- & quick. I have to also remember to send out a distress signal once I’m done investigating.

The automatic doors opened leading me away from the main deck to a corridor. One of the ship’s main systems was not functioning.

But I am not an expert in engineering. How am I going to fix the leaking pipes?

Ah, I have an idea. Hmm, I will have to try it sometime later.

I stop and stare at the ray gun floating in the corridor. This one looks like the commander’s. It even has his initials on it: J.S.

As soon as I try to reach for the gun, it vanishes. What is going on here?

While I continue with my exploring, another spaceship approaches. I fall to the floor the moment the ship is hit.

I rush back to the main deck and radio the other ship. ‘This is Cadet Rezina. Stand down. I am missing the rest of my crew. I can’t quite seem to find them.’

At first all I heard was static noise. After a slight pause, a calm voice replied, ‘This is Lieutenant Chansa. We will beam you over to our ship.’

Before I was able to even say thanks, I found myself facing the Lieutenant. They did not wait for me to give any further explanations. The Lieutenant exclaimed, ‘Fire!’ I cried, ‘Hold on..’

The Lieutenant raised his hand and the countdown was now on pause. I did my best to state that there could still be some clues on the ship that might help me find the missing crew.

He listened attentively and sighed, ‘Very well. Carry on with your search. I will give you 10 hours. By that time if you do not know where they could be, then we will have to blow up the ship. And move on with, or without you.’

‘Okay.’

Well, at least he offered me a place with his crew. Oh, where were the rest of the crew?

They beamed me back to my ship and I continued my search. I hope I find the crew before it’s too late.

**************************************

After searching for hours, I heard a hiss coming from the dining hall. I reached for my ray gun and stepped into the dining hall.

I heard something moving the pots and pans by the gas stove. Whatever it was- it hissed again.

My ears started ringing. Not again.

I shook my head. That didn’t work.

The hissing stopped and so did the ringing. When I looked toward the gas stove, I caught sight of it.

It swung its tail and jumped onto the counter. Knocking things onto the ground with its tail, and front claws.

I ducked and hid behind one of the dining square tables. Then slightly looked over the top to see where the creature was now.

It snarled once it saw my head. I ducked my head and crawled on the floor to another spot.

The creature clicked its tongue. I froze and panicked. How much time did I have left?

I stood up and blasted my gun at the creature. It roared and dodged all the shots.

‘Come on. You need to stop wasting my time here. Did you damage the ship and eat the rest of the crew?’

It looked at me and bent its head. Did it understand what I was saying?

Before I could fire more shots at it, the creature twirled around and pulled my gun right out of my hands with it’s tail.

I gasped and ran toward the other side. Heading for the exit.

I was almost there. As soon as I reached the exit, I felt something wrap around my neck and pull me down.

It squeezed its tail so right around my neck. I could barely breath.

I closed my eyes, and used my hands to try to free myself from the choke hold. This thing was smart.

My mind buzzed giving me an idea. I dropped my hands and let it drag me down.

The creature released me from the choke hold, and I sprang back on my feet. Rushing to the door, and as soon as I was out I set the kitchen hall to self-destruct.

The blast sent me hurtling further down the corridor. I rubbed my hands across my neck.

This was not good. I had to check with the other ship and tell them I did not find the crew.

I radioed the Lieutenant once I got back to the bridge. From there his team beamed me back onto their ship.

‘That was quick.’

‘I did not find any surviving crew members, or even their lifeless bodies. I’m not quite sure what happened.’

The Lieutenant said, ‘I am sorry for your loss. We will have to go ahead and get ready to move on.’

He nodded at one of the crew at the firing station. A burst of energy was fired from the ship and hit my home ship.

I turned my head to the side. I could not bare to see the ship in fragments.

The Lieutenant told me to go and rest before I started working with the new crew. I saluted and left the bridge.

One of the other officers showed me to my new quarters. It was good to at least have a new spot to rest.

I thought I would sleep like a baby. But I kept hearing someone calling out to me in a whisper, ‘We can’t quite seem to find you...’

I tossed and turned on my bed. Shaking, and sweating as if I was running a marathon.

Images flashed in my mind, and I was not sure if I was dreaming, or awake. Something stood next to my bed watching me.

I saw it hiss and leave my room. It slithered around the new ship.

Using its tail to drag a couple crew members down. Others were bitten, and some were put to sleep the second they looked into its eyes.

Once it arrived on the bridge, it attacked all the members there. The Lieutenant was the last one standing.

He fired at the creature. I felt the hits from the gun.

Then when it spoke, it had a familiar voice. ‘Lieutenant, we are here to take over the universe. We were able to advance after coming into contact with the Cadet and her crew. She just has a hard time of remembering when it happened. Now we will be happy to have you become one of us.’

With that said, it wrapped its tail around the Lieutenant and bit him. The Lieutenant screamed and was tossed onto the ground.

His eyes changed from a human type to a lizard like eyes. His skin became more rough with some spots covered in scales.

He hissed and snarled. Now he was a part of the hybrid crew.

#KOMODO©

18.09.2020 #friyay

i can’t quite seem

to find you

so i guess

you want

to stay

hidden

i’ll stop looking

Where are you?

I know you were there.

But why?

Why I couldn't find you?

Now, it's the time I need you most.

My old self,

bubbly and cheerful lil teen.

I wanna find you.

I can't quite seem to find you...

I looked in every drawer,

And on top of the fridge,

And under the piano, where the dust is thick.

I looked in every drawer.

There was a sock I lost years ago.

And under the piano, where the dust is thick,

A trail of breadcrumbs;

There was a sock I lost years ago,

A match except the dust and holes;

A trail of breadcrumbs

That led nowhere.

A match except the dust, and holes

Under the ground

That led nowhere,

So I stopped looking.

Under the ground

It was too dark to see,

So I stopped looking;

A smeared note, unintelligible.

It was too dark to see.

And on top of the fridge,

A smeared note, unintelligible;

I can't quite seem to find you...