The last time you saw me

(and I you)

you watched me drive my

beater away from your

store window

-some

4 years ago

-well, old friend

you would not believe where

I am now;

in a small town

sitting bearded and in

my boxers

at a second hand table

in a half painted living room

floored by hideous orange carpet

trying to grip this pen with a

mutilated finger

(nailgun-

construction-

said fuck it-

quit-

again)

and now I’m a

part-time bartender

except

when the boss

needs a dishwasher

sometimes

on

Wednesday.

Its kinda like this fabricated hallmark channel movie.

I always thought that first kisses would spark fireworks.

I always thought love was this far away mysterious thing that people are so lucky to have...

When it's really more complicated than that.

Infatuation is this imitation putting you head over heals for this manufactured "illumination" of what we call love.

And how can I be so certain of that? I've had too many things happen like this so now its just routine to react.

I know love is subtle and sweet.

I'm learning how to love myself again before I love anybody.

Not to say I don't love my family, although they tell me what i have to be.

I forgive them in the end. Real love is forgiving, even if it has an end.

Rare

Elusive

A beautiful song

Just beyond reach

Deep breath of forest

The pump of an Eagles wings

A really good cup of coffee

Limbs entangled in sleep

The smile on a fur face

Comfort of trust

Candle light

Wake up

It's just

A dream

the sort of turmoil

some may resist but

the persistent pulling

always wins

I have fallen in love

with every inch of your

skin and I have placed

my hand on your chest

I never shrunk from

the sound of your

breathing but the

rhythm of your heart

my soul was never casual

I have drowned a thousand

souls in the ocean of

everything I've ever known

I am not a challenge

to be taken lightly

sticky like honey I will

cling to your whole being

I have been driven away by

masquerades of people

with high expectations

who never really cared but

I have seen you watch me

and I've never felt so beautiful

as the moment I turned

towards the glow of your gaze

love is not something

which is easily dismantled

I've played that game before

and lost all except the third try

high bulbs and lightning bugs

both glow but neither is

a purposeful brilliance

you are accidentally lovely

I have buried my face

in your shoulder and sobbed

for all it was worth but I

never imagined this

midway heartbreak

you're perfect but I'm broken

at the thought I may not

have you forever

always and now and here and

there is a place beyond your

forest of whispers where

I may find someone else

I have no desire

to move on

but inevitably

young love doesn't last

Amanda- (adj) Latin: "Loveable, Worthy of Love"

But what is love?

Love is a lipstick stain on your white walls that even the most potent bleach cannot remove

It is powerful and intense, making you second guess and reconsider your past and future

It is strong, but also blind; if you're not careful, it can blind you

Love is mindless and raw, the purest of human emotions, the core of our existences, the irresistible force behind mankind's achievements and losses, our greatest successes and failures

Love is the reason we stay alive, because it's impossible not to enjoy the high it gives us

Love denies logic and science and creates its own rules within the anarchy of its being

Love is fire: warm, destructive, yet beautiful.

"Love isn't something we invented. It's observable, powerful, it has to mean something... Love is the one thing we're capable of percieving that transcends dimensions of space and time."

Dr Amelia Brand, Interstellar (2014)

Placing your heart in an other's hands and trusting that they won't break it.

Putting someone's needs before your own, no matter how small they may be.

Enjoying every second you spend with someone. Through the good and the bad.

Respecting and cherishing every quality of a person, wether they be appealing or not.

Love is being with a person who brings you joy, despite all else.

Love is fear

And happy tears

And stupid, silly laughing.

Love is doubt,

And 'wanna go out?'

And so madly rewarding.

Love is 'us',

Not 'you' and 'me'--

We've claimed each other's heart.

Love is fear

And love is doubt

But love is certainly art.

rose petals and violets.

rolling around in grocery carts.

the deep thundering sound

that echoes in my ears

coming forth from my heart.

laughing away the silence.

inside jokes you can't explain.

whispered song lyrics,

glass-shattering 'singing',

careless prancing in the rain.

late night phone calls.

shopping for the perfect dress.

boosting your ego (not too much)!

cleaning you up after

every time you're made a mess.

I don't know.

Love is kinda weird.

There's romantic love and puppy dog love and that love you feel towards the pizza guy when he hands you a warm pizza you just ordered.

However,

Love to me,

Is all of that put together,

And more.