(Content warning: su!c!de attempts, mental illness, self-harm, pills)

Please note that this is an old poem, it’s mostly fiction, and my mental health is very good and well taken care of recently.

Secondly, please note that if you are struggling with mental health issues, please feel free to message me anytime. Wishing you all the best.)

A young, bright graduate

with a promising future

now sobbing in a waiting chair

in the hospital’s psychiatric ward

Sorry, hon, I know you’ve tried

seven kinds of medicines already

but let’s just try one more

don’t take them all this time

Bloody wrists and vomit

wipe it up, wrap it up

have a panic attack or two in class

go back home and try again

I apologize for the poor quality

of this academic essay

I just started new antipsychotics

because I can’t tell what’s real

The whole world feels greyer

than my defective grey matter

wake me up when something matters

if that day ever comes

Tell me, have you ever blacked out

with no one there to catch you

except the slate-grey concrete

with all its warmth and empathy

Tell me, have you ever floated

in a bubble-filled bathtub

with your head underwater

and wanted to breathe in

How do you think

about a problem

when your problem is

you can’t think right

How do you live

when your life’s over

and you’re got a mangled gouge

where your soul used to be

first

was a tree

just a bump nothing big

second

was a dumpster

just a scratch not to worry

third

was a t-bone

as that car crossed the highway into the side

that I sat in as my head hit windshield

just some whiplash, a bump, and nose blood

fourth

was a fender kiss

just a dent nothing major

fifth

another t-bone

tipping the old van over to its side

as I crawled out the busted windshield

just some bumps and cuts, alright

sixth

got rear ended

spilled some coffee, nothing burned

seventh

burst a tire

running over a concrete berm

Who knows how bad the next will be

or if I'll walk away next time like I have before

which is why every time I leave the house

I kiss you goodbye

just in case

it really is

goodbye

We were having a conversation.

We were laughing and enjoying the flow, the rhythm, the symmetry. It seemed to be the right time to talk and vibe. A little too perfect. Then the conversation abruptly stopped.

Silence filled the phone with air. The middle of that conversation had no meaning now. A new conversation starts with fear at the wheel. The question “Are you okay?” floated in the air of concern. A brisk “I’m fine, but someone just hit my car” floated back to set the mood. Now the conversation is nervous and jittery. Last thought but in demand, “I hope you wasn’t driving while talking with me.” A quick answer “No! But I have to hang up now because I have to call the police.” An understanding agreement was reached and the conversation ended.

the week is long, it seems to s t r e t c h

especially in

dark corners

coated in cobwebs.

it all slips away

like water

d

o

w

n

a

d

r

a

i

n

fluid and endless,

until existence ceases

like a

dying spark.

throat trembles bones,

body a soda pop

thrown by the hand of God

on Beijing walls

I hold onto it

hold, hold, hold

till a dribble dribbles

down the threshold

and cheeks sting

ocean salts

then the chest shakes

as ghosts trigger pacemakers

beating their drums

for the rivers while they mold

plains and mounds

into glossy veins

roaming with the years of backlogged pain

I sometimes wish I never found

sometimes

we ran in crazed circles and

the circles burst into hot pink

yellow sunsets and fireworks

red as tongues plastered by

candy juice, liquid sugar

in the circles that we sucked

the last life from our dry

eyes, burning with our

throats, rotten teeth screaming

ecstatic emptiness into the

sky that fizzed like our

insides circling vultures

over the wrecked remains,

twisted metal ribs and

sugar stains where the plane

crashed in the field streaked

with our multicoloured vomit

and the blood just looked

like more candy, the screams

matched our maniacal

laughter and spinning in circles,

the screams cut off, the sugar

crashed and we all

fell down

Mother was born in the Oort cloud, an icy sphere at the edge of our solar system. A place comprised of debris bouncing around this cosmic pinball machine, our little piece of the galaxy. One day she decided to zig instead of zag, her mass built up just right with a heaviness of ice and forgotten bits left over from the Big Bang. She’d heard of a planet, named Jupiter, with the power to get her closer to the sun. Having always wanted to visit the all powerful Sun, that great star they revolved around in worship, she gathered up the last pieces of mass she could reach and pushed her way toward Jupiter.

Sungrazers they call them and she was on her way to becoming one. Many cheered her on as she passed them by. Her great beautiful tail growing the closer she came to the Sun, curving and sparkling with magnificent beauty. Her request to Jupiter had been simple, she only needed to be near him, this spectacular center of her universe whom she had admired for so long. She wanted desperately to feel the tingle of his radiation and was more than willing to pay the price of coming so close to the great life giver, her star. Jupiter obliged her by using his gravitational pull and his great mass to send her onto a path leading straight for the glowing ball of fury, their God. With all his might he threw her harder than any other comet that had come before. How brave she was, my Mother.

The Sun took in her great growing beauty as she came nearer and coveted her above all else for it was a lonely position, to be center of attention. The planets and comets in his orbit flow around him day after day but never dare to come so close as she. He watched her approach, tail glowing, with a mixture of excitement and trepidation. There was a reason few dared such an extrodinary feat for even he could not control his power.

The day finally came, she was ready, and as she lowered her mass in reverence to him he felt a great pull. Something deep within his core recognized her as the one he had always needed. With an interstellar sigh heard throughout time, in a powerful tidal force of cosmic love, I was born. Father bid farewell as Mother continued her path back to the Oort cloud and I, evidence of their love, made my way toward his most beloved planet Earth.

The day I entered the atmosphere of my new home was glorious. Father, so proud to gift me to this precious world of his, looked on as I burst through each layer of gasses to meet my final resting place. Scaly heads tilted in awe and enormous trees bowed before me. A trail of his fire and smoke signaled my royal lineage when I landed. An impressive tidal wave of dust finalized my coronation, a testament to my Mother’s greatness.

Father watched with pride as the world reset, regrew and from the ashes his Stardust children were born...

The highest highs,

The praise,

The adoration,

The idolization,

All comes to an end

In an instant.

The rushing roars

Of a crowd

Hushed

Into a single whisper.

Silently,

Oh so silently,

You hear

"Did you hear what they did?"

"They took advantage..."

"They messed up..."

"They no longer matter..."

"They're cancelled."

There is a saying:

Everything that goes up,

Must

Come

Down...

Now,

The world decided,

It was your turn

To go

down.

Invigorating strength,

lost.

Brightest vitality,

dimmed.

Quickness of mind,

slowed.

Hope,

obscured.

In an instant,

just a moment,

all collapsed,

deflated,

squashed.

Never,

so quickly,

taken back again.

Rebuilding

more costly

than undoing.