Last Time
I said it was the last time, last time
But I’m addicted to the rush and the sweat
On your skin as we dance in the dark
Stolen glances as his hand holds mine
All the while knowing that those fingers traced
The curve of your chest down to your hip bone
While we lay and wonder how we’d made such a mess of things
How we kept making such a mess of things
I said it was the last time, last time
But I'm wound up tight and the only way
To unravel is in your arms
Like peeling off layers of damp winter clothes
You lay me bare and I shiver
Unsure if it's from the cold or anticipation
And we know there's only one way to find out
But I wish I could let this go
Because I said it was the last time, last time
All the vows I ever made are broken
And the pieces are getting so small that soon
They'll be nothing more than dust
a year ago
a year ago i said it was the last time
i said that last time, and the time before
what makes this time so different?
who am i to tame the raging desire?
the desire to lie and hide
razorblades under my bed
the desire to take them out
when the world is dark
and saw myself away.
a year ago, i said it was the last time.
i said that last time, and the time before.
but instead of swallowing blood
i'm swallowing dry,
throat going numb as i fight
fight to stay alive,
fight to stop the lies.
a year ago i said it was the last time.
i just hope it's the last time
i have to say that.
Temptation
In disbelief - how could it be any other feeling - he texted his side boo at the bar, right in front of me. Later he said I had ruined dinner. Over fries and drinks, I had lamented his desire for other women. But it’s boring having just one girlfriend, he implored. How on earth. He dared to be oblivious, whether he meant it or not. But I was deeply committed to this man. It doesn’t work like that, merely walking out, finding the next flight out of LAX, finding yourself amid toxicity and lies.
It took five more side girlfriends for me to call him crying, telling him it was over. The fries at that bar were the best I ever had, but that man? Dumpster trash I can’t speak of, next days leftovers spoiled and rotten, my self-respect already taken away in a special blend of yesterday’s garbage.
Last time
I said the last time was the last time. I have probably said this a hundred times in different situations, but one stood out more. It was the moment I hopelessly fell in love without warning. When I did stupid thinks without thinking it over, when my mind constantly floated and then just like that...boom reality would come down crashing on me like an astroide. He would leave and I would find myself curled up in a bed crying my eyes out. My days turned to nights and my nights to days. I lived off draining my body physically so I would not feel anything emotionally. My mental health had gone out the door and all I had to cling onto was the hope of making it through another day.
And finally! when I had gathered myself. I would tell myself this was the last time I would feel this pain. A lie I must have told myself a million times. Cause there you were, with you box filled with empty promises and my heart melted.
In that moment, rationality slip away. I heard myself say "This is the last time."
Funny how this time is the last time too.
Just once more?
"I said it was the last time down the slide"
"Aw, but I want to keep playing."
"It's getting late, let's go home."
"Just once more?"
"I said it was the last time I would let you win."
"And yet somehow, I'm winning?"
"Beginners luck."
"Just once more?"
"I said it was the last time I watched this movie with you."
"But it's my favorite."
"But we've seen it 100 times."
"Just once more?"
"I said it was the last time."
"Just once more...
Please?"
One last time
I said it was the last time the last time we met yet here we are again, laying with our arms wrapped around each other. I told you no more yet I gave in yet again to your devious ways. You said it was the last time you would hurt me, yet it wasnt you said it was the last time I would see you, yet here I am looking into your brown eyes like I never looked away. I cant help it so I will just go ahead and give, just this one last time.
The last time
I can’t keep doing this, I’ve told myself a million times, the one I love is off limits. This will be the last time I look into those big brown eyes of her’s, the last time I kiss her, the last time I hold her, I can’t let myself be around her any longer or I’ll crack. I’ve told myself time and time again that getting involved would be a mistake, I curse all the stupid rules, the bounderies between us. It would be so much easier if she didn’t feel the same, if she’d just let me walk away, but she doesn’, she pulls me closer each and every time, I’m under her spell, I don’t want this to be the last time.