I used to have this friend that I honestly should’ve stopped being friends with a while ago. I’m gonna leave her unnamed since as much as I hate her, I don’t want to use her real name, so I’ll use C since that’s her first initial. C was...something, to say the least. I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she knows better now, but does she really? I don’t know, I haven’t talked to her in ages and I don’t want to. The pain she caused me is immeasurable, and it still haunts me to this day.

Honestly, she wasn’t that good of a friend, and a lot of times, the stuff she said to me hurt, but I had such a positive image of her and low one of myself that I brushed it off, saying that my feelings didn’t matter. She’d call me fat, ugly, and all kinds of things, and it still affects my self-image to this day. Whenever I talked about wanting to try out for basketball since I loved playing it, C would always tell me how “bad” I was and how I wouldn’t make the team. I never tried out because of that. Turns out she didn’t make the team when she tried out, so who’s really the “bad” one here?

I used to have a crush on this guy- back when I was still straight -and she’d always put me down for liking him, saying he was ugly and not all that. I would agree with her because I was so worried she was going to judge me. That wasn’t that bad, but one day, when I was out sick, she told him I liked him. She played it off as a joke, saying that it wasn’t a big deal. It might not have been to her, but it was to me. I was sitting in the car while my parents were working, close to tears. I trusted her, I really did. Guess I shouldn’t have.

Guess I didn’t learn from my mistakes because when I had my first girl crush, I told her. It was one of her best friends. The girl I liked was a good friend of mine as well, but I wasn’t as close to her as C was. I was on Facetime with her when I told her. I told her who I liked, and she laughed in my face. She laughed in my face. C then proceeded to tell me that she wouldn’t tell her, and again, I trusted her. God, I’m an idiot.

You probably think that she told her, and you’d be right, but something else happened before that, and it hurt me more than C telling the girl I liked her. A week passed after I told C I liked her, and she texted me, telling me to either stop liking her because she was uncomfortable with it, or lose her as a friend. She’s an awful person, but I still had a good image of her. I didn’t want to lose her. So I lied. I told her I would stop liking her so that we could stay friends. I cried myself to sleep that night.

As I said before, C told her. She told her the day I told her. And I didn’t find out til a month later from a friend. I was riding the bus home when he texted me. I was in shambles. I had to hold my tears in because I wasn’t home yet. The second I was, I ran to my room and cried. I felt like shit. That was the moment I finally realized how much I dreaded being her friend. That was the moment I realized that C wasn’t a good friend. That was the moment I realized that that image of her in my mind wasn’t real.

I tried to distance myself from her. I’m not a confrontational person, and I was afraid of her spilling all my secrets, so I never really did anything besides avoid her and not answer her texts. Didn’t work because she still talked to me, texted me, and called me. I hated every second of pretending that we were still friends. Honestly, I’m surprised that I didn’t realize what a shitty friend she was earlier. Not only did C do all of the things I mentioned above, she also talked shit about my friends, never cared about what I had to say, would talk shit about me behind my back and even let her friends talk shit about me right in front of me, told people my secrets and played it off as a “funny” joke- also right in front of me -, made me do things I was uncomfortable with (nothing sexual, just “favors” that were really just her begging me to do something for her even when I had repeatedly told her no because they made me uncomfortable), and she tried stealing from me too. But I guess none of that mattered because she was still a good person in my eyes.

C’s about a 5 minute drive from my house, and most of the places I go pass by her house. Every time I do, I always look away. It hurts. Sometimes my parents will bring it up, and I have to pretend that we’re still good friends. Like I said before, I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt and trust that she knows better now, but how am I supposed to trust her after all this? Honestly, if she came up to me today and apologized for everything she’s done to me, I don’t know if I could forgive her.

People always say that in order to move on, you have to forgive and forget. But what if I don’t want to? I don’t want to forgive her when she’s done nothing but give me immense trust issues and added onto my already poor self-esteem. I don’t want to forget in case I run into another “C” in my life. Hell, I can’t even move on, all the hurt she caused me still affects me dearly, and I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to move on. I want to someday, but when I do, I won’t be forgiving or forgetting her for all she’s done to me. I know that people learn and grow and it’s immature of me to hold a grudge, but I don’t care. She’s hurt me more than you could ever imagine. You don’t have to forgive and forget to move on. If you want to, be my guest. But I won’t be yours.

Dear C,

Fuck you for everything you’ve done to me. Don’t contact me or I’ll call my lawyer. Kidding, I don’t have a lawyer, but don’t talk to me or I might just beat a bitch up <3

Sincerely, someone you clearly never gave a fuck about.

You made me hate this city

like London ever did something to me

like it doesn’t represent everything I’ve ever loved

wrapped in one place

you made me scared of getting on that plane

of looking at it

and only seeing you

in every street

and in everyone

you made me think it only meant something

if that something was you

and when you left

it almost left with you

even when i took that plane

and in every street

everything made sense

except for you.

Boston

is tulips

dying after

April showers

skeletons

of oak trees

in the valley

of winter

you were a

vulture

a sinner

ruining an

entire city

carefree

this city is now

a raw

reminder

of your

indecency

i still have conversations with you in my head.

i reinvent everything you ever said.

i walk down clear memory lanes,

covering them in smashed window panes.

you made me hate this city.

it doesn't matter how pretty

the views i’ve admired since i was a child

still are. they don't make me smile.

i still get nervous passing cars that you don’t drive anymore.

i have to pull over on my way to the store; bent over the wheel to scream and keel,

i heave until i turn on a song to feel

anything other than the blind rage

that comes with turning back a page

in the book of healing.

just when i think i’m done dealing

with the all-consuming emotions

that came with a summertime conversation that happened years ago now,

i still don’t know how

to get over it all.

even as i approach the 6th fall,

since it all starting falling apart,

i’m still looking for a brand new start.

You made me hate this city?

No,

No I don't hate this city.

I just don't care.

I don't care about the smokers on the balconies of their shabby apartments,

I don't care about the lizards on the walls.

I don't care about the cashier that rolls their eyes at you.

I don't care about the kids that flip you off as you pass.

I don't care about the driver cursing you out.

I don't care about the lady at Burger King yelling at her kid.

I don't care about the lady at Walmart butting ahead in line.

I don't care about the people in this goddamn 'city'.

I shouldn't complain so much though.

There are many other citygoers,

In other cities worse than mine.

I haven't been raped,

And there's always food on the table.

Nobody's run at me with a knife,

And water comes out of the taps.

It's selfish to be so unhappy with what I have.

But even so, I can't stop hating this goddamn city.

In February of 2021, I sat in the mental hospital, reflecting on how I let my life become somthing that I was desperate to end. I recall thinking about happiness, something that I could no longer fathom, as it had dwelled into a figment of my imagination. I was desperate to experience this distant feeling. I sit here, writing this right now, in a coffee shop, much to my surprise alive and happier than ever. I thought that I'd be happier than ever if I was away from my life. A core memory of mine is violently crying in the hospital, yelling at the nurse to leave me alone, or as Billie puts it, "Just fucking leave me alone". If "Happier than Ever" came out when I was in that dark place, I can guarantee that I would have associated this song with wanting to escape my life, thus being happier than ever. Now, I resonate this song with being happier than ever due to being away from that version of myself that I don't even recognize. I'm finally free. I'm away from that Grace, and I'm happier than ever.