i suffer perennial delusions

those visions of grandeur

present a new hope annually

but each failure withers my bones

and i lie in wait, dreaming of a better day

when i will pick up the pen, say ‘dear reader’ and someone will truly be on the other side

verily i say unto thee, i am frightened and so alone

dreams of a life where all that glitters is gold and nothing breaks my bones and i’m never too cold and i don’t grow old wait behind my eyelids

that’s where i run to

that misty plane between this world and the next where dreamers walk every night, i walk among them in daylight

my mind constructs castles in the hazy air to which i’ll never hold the key

and so i stare up, up, up, and am left alone to dream

lost. thrust into the dark again.

wind burn ruins everything.

cataclysmic love for all things covered in snow…

i have nowhere else to go.

the rot in the roots is the same in the leaves and it spreads from tree to tree.

i have spent all these years trying to tell you.

these days i fear i am more grief than girl. i am late january snow pouring temporary solutions over the constant sorrow. i live in fear. will i have to watch everything i love fall away as the leaves do in autumn? will i be left to weather the winter of my life alone? i do not want to live without my family. i cannot afford such a fate. instead of bracing to catch my death, i dream. i dream of spring, the time when everyone is young and no one knows that death lurks in the corner. i try to dream that no one dies. and yet, i know better than to dream of a day where everyone lives. all i ever want is hope and all i’ll ever have is knowledge.

i imagine myself a ship in the night with no lighthouse, a wondrous catastrophe. my life, like the long night, looms in front of me. is it three miles to shore or a hundred? catastrophe looms, yet i can only write snippets of the same story.

the story always starts the same: there's a buzzing in my ears quite like a ship in the distance. if i listen too closely, i float away and if i float away, i die. in this story, i don’t fear death. it will be wonderful. when my body dies, i wake up. 10 years old again. my name…sadie this time. nothing bad ever happens to sadie. she is the captain of the ship buzzing in my ears. yes, i do not fear death. for when i die, sadie lives, a new girl.

there is a season for everything. a season for falling in love and a season for hurling plates at each other’s heads. a season for living in new york city and a season for returning home (against your own will). a season for holding your oldest cat close and a season for sitting by their resting place beneath the magnolia tree.