Did we move on?

It wasn't my fault you had to leave. It wasn't yours either. It was the world.

You were wearing a yellow jacket when you signed the divorce papers.

And you got the car. Plate number 120V5Y1. Red Toyota.

And then I was alone.

Year one was lonely. I stopped drawing, and I stopped writing. I stopped smiling.

Year two was a little better, maybe. I got a cat to keep me company.

Year three was hard. My cat died- it got hit by a car. Then I got fired.

Year four nobody remembered my birthday. But I started drawing again.

Year five I started writing again. I smiled too. But I can't tell if the smiles were real.

Year six I finally found a new lover. And I finished my book.

But on the first page of that novel-

I wrote your name under the dedication.

I hope you bought a copy. I hope you drove to the bookstore in that red Toyota.

I hope you remember me.

Did we really move on?

-

I wore a yellow jacket when I signed the papers, because you said it was pretty on me once.

Those years were hard you know.

I didn't smile once.

Until I saw my name inside the front cover of a novel at the library.

I started thinking about you, driving that red Toyota.

Why did I leave you? Just because the world is cruel?

Did we really move on?

Did we move on?

How would we know?

We're together,

Then we're alone.

The years that passed,

Dragged on and on.

They're incomplete,

And feel so wrong.

But then I think,

Of what I knew.

Converged to one,

When we were two.

I remember

Those awful fights,

Screaming, crying

All of those nights.

Depression came,

Happiness left.

When it ended,

I felt bereft.

I have freedom,

For what that's worth.

Disorders haunt,

My very girth.

But going back,

Is not a choice.

I can't return,

To silenced voice.

I must recall

My very soul,

Is not cut out

To take this toll.

Being alone

Is what we need.

Does not matter

How much we bleed.

We cannot ask

For more from man,

Than we're willing

To give a damn.

For truth conveys

Darkness within.

Life's not a game

To cheat, to win.

We don't deserve

Optimism.

We are full of

Narcissism.

Did we move on?

I do not know,

But we must face

The life we chose.

For Challenge- "Did we move on?" by funlynry due October 5th.

Did we move on?

Because I can't remember the last time

I felt your touch

but neither felt

a touch like yours

So

I have to know

if you have sung your silly lines

to another shell shocked memory

or placed your calloused fingers

to someone else's silk embroidery

If you answered yes

then I'll tell you I have too

but I admit it isn't true

I never could lie to you

I forget to notice the years as they pass

the world spins around me and I'm stuck in the past

in the glass you wrote "I love you"

and I said I loved you too

we kissed then danced all evening

'neath the dark of the full moon

Why did we move on?

silent speech slips from your lips

as your thought gives no answer

for I barely remember the voice

I still cherish so dearly

And her eyes speak a lot like mine at the end of the night, heavy-lidded with wine, conveying a yearning, a longing, a certain pine, for who you were the original time you stumbled

Across one another in snow, your hearts without each other rusted and hollow, to your emptiness, she was the sharp echo, at least at first

His matches my insatiable thirst for the perverse and the hopelessly cursed, my impatience for the innocent and unversed, my love for the scent of heavy cloudburst

She even has my unbalanced disposition, a woman possessed by her own intuition, using your flaws as emotional ammunition to bleed you dry

And, like you, he loves to watch me cry from a frigid cold distance, never explaining why he's drifting away and his actions belie what they once were

She chokes out a guttural purr, "She'll never be me and I'll never be her…" even when it seems that some types reoccur, nearly perfect clones

I became his to consume, lick the bones, he whispers to me in low, sinister tones, "I used to love you." the words sinking like stones, a reiteration

And she's manning your obliteration, not submissive at all, but with vociferation and, like I, she lacks desideration for any part of you

He tells me exactly what to do and couldn't care less about the black and blue tinting my skin, coated in a panicked dew of perspiration and pain

Five years and a day since we last had contact, our connection a charade, a joke, a play-act, we found one another in others when that love cracked, dehydrated and gone

Because each one after US is a nearly identical pawn, a void-filler, a bore, a yawn, we take them wishing affection would respawn, so tell me…

"Did we move on…?"

I picked up a movie flyer. There was approximately five minutes till Nancy arrived and the movie started. I had exhausted my social media browsing. There is a limit to the amount of times I can refresh a page, till surely, I am caught up with everything worthwhile. New babies, engagements, life changing purchases in the suburbs. Checking movie flyers is somehow exciting. I like to see what is coming out. For any titles that spark my interest, I set aside a date in my imaginary calendar, and consider who to invite. Sometimes I choose to go alone, particularly if the genre is romance...

-- Alone. A dismal state I often grapple with ever since I left you five long years ago. It was not an easy choice. It had become obvious to me that you were not happy in your job. You would bring the stress home. You were often too tired to spend quality time with me. You were giving up opportunities to stay with me. You weren't free to do what you truly wanted. So, as one does when they truly love someone; I put you first. I left you. I flew away from our relationship and the life we had built, and the promises we had made, so you could soar. My heart hurts when I think back. I had to be harsh so you could move on without regrets. To achieve a dream like yours, you need to focus. You need to be desperate. I knew if you could return to me, you might give up --

"Beth! Thanks for waiting! I'll quickly grab the popcorn. It's on me!" Nancy brought me back to reality. "Oh, that movie looks good, too. I saw an interview with the director on TV. He apparently dedicated it to an ex-girlfriend."

I looked at the flyer. My body felt hot and my heart rate quickened.

The movie title, "Did we move on?"

Did we move on?

I wonder everyday.

If we did I don’t see it

It’s been five years

We still pass each other

We just can’t face our fears

I wonder if I’ve moved on

I have talked with others,

But when I close my eyes

I don’t see them.

I see you.

I see the sky,

The stars,

The night,

Dancing dizzily overhead

I hear your laugh

And mine too

The way you’d stare at me

And I’d stare at you.

The memories of us whisper in my ear

So soft yet loud they’re impossible

Not to hear.

Then I open my eyes

You're not here.

It’s not night but day,

The day is suddenly dark with my thoughts of you

I try to push them away.

I haven’t moved on…

I don’t know how

Have you moved on?

Even if you have

I still haven’t

If only one of us did

Then

Did we move on?

Did we move on?

I ask myself that question all the time. Especially when I see your ex-wife at Target and wonder about the time we could've had.

My ex is off in Texas, married now, with an adorable little boy. I'm sorry I could never give her that. But, we both knew that, for me, my future was only ever with you.

You pop up in my dreams sometimes, and I wake up thinking you're beside me. It's devastating every time it happens. I don't know why I can't remember that we are no longer together when I'm asleep, because it's all I ever think about when I'm awake.

Carina, my love, it's been five years now. I can't believe it. How did I go this long without you? How have I survived it?

I think about you all the time. I wonder if you think of me too.

You must. There's no way that two people who cared for one another the way that we did, can just go on and never think of each other again. You cannot touch someone's soul and then forget them.

I have to cross your mind from time to time, if only in passing.

I never moved on. Not really. Did you?

One day, did you wake up, and no longer think of my face? Did you go all day without thinking about calling me?

That hasn't happened for me yet. My friends used to say, "Give it time." But now, they just scowl when I say your name. They miss what it was like before you, but I can't go back to who I was then. I can't go back to the time I lived without you. I don't know how.

Carina-

Did we move on?

I wonder if we did. It eats at me, thinking that you might have a new life without me in it.

My ex-wife says she sees you sometimes. We are still on good terms, she and I. You see, we split because I loved you and she wished I loved her. We chose to stay friends despite it. So, when she sees you, she tells me how you look.

She says that you have been sad. Marissa can tell by the look on your face.

Do you miss me?

I know that's wishful thinking. We were in-love once, that doesn't mean that every feeling you have is about me. But sometimes, I hope it is. Because I miss you.

I miss you so much it's hard to breathe. I feel the weight of your eyes suffocating me, without ever seeing your face.

For five years, I have yearned for you.

I know we had our problems, but I cannot let you go. I don't know why and I wish it would stop.

Because all I do is think of you.

How have I survived it?

How have you?

You must miss me too.

Two people cannot peer into one another's heart and turn away without looking back. You have to look back, sometime. And when you do, I'll be there.