Drown me

wash my sins

in the waves formed

from neglect, the

drip, drip, dripping

from smiles gone askew

I thirst

for icy water

that closes my throat

but demands each hair

stand on its end,

ready to be touched

I thrash

along the waves

catching glimpses

of sandy beaches

trying to remember

what it's like to be ashore

We had claimed to be woven from the same cloth! We had wrapped our love in poetry, and swore that nothing could harm our childlike joy that we received from loving and laughing together.

Now she was removing my heart again, with a terrible antiseptic thrust, as we sat on the middle of a Grand Rapids street. We had stopped here for a jag to revaluate our fate at a small mission hospital fortress that catered to the homeless in the middle of Bum Town, which is what downtown Grand Rapids was at this time of day. The hospital had some huge steps that one could sit down to survey the kingdom of dirty concrete jungle and grey glumness of parked cars and dying ideals that could freeze anyone's blood. Heidi's eyes looked dark and veiled. This was not a place where love could survive. Heidi brought this point home to me like a bludgeon to the head, by being brutally honest about our affair, and telling me that it was completely done for. It was wrong, and we both knew it. Right at that moment a bum walked by who looked so disheveled that he appeared to have walked off a movie set! He was hunchbacked permanently with his nose to the ground, and he clothes were literal rags hanging off of him. He looked up and grimaced like a turtle peering out from his shell and despising light. I at once latched onto the poor beggar and felt like his soul was my soul at that instant, completely shattered from head to toe by the realization that Heidi was done. We tried to revive the flawed relationship a few times after this moment, but nothing could repair it from this obvious moment of perfect despair.

4/17/23

Bunny Villaire

The cold seeped into her bones, dread roiling in her gut, as she waited for the Storm, which will pierce the silence that descended in the air. It came, the Storm, this time it left her gasping, she was given the ultimatum that she knew she will receive eventually..... How are you supposed to choose the person you love more, when you have never dreamt of a day they will fall apart? when you love them so fiercely, who will you chose to lose, who will you choose to be with?

I lit a candle in the wind

By the beach

The spray of every crashing wave

And the breath of every breeze

Threatening the love aflame.

I curl a hand around the wick

Afraid but still walking forward

Into the sand

Into the darkness of the night

That reveals nothing.

Hopeful that the fire will live.

But every grain beneath my soles

Quivers and nearly slips away

You stand not twenty paces out

Holding an empty lamp and oil

To protect and nourish my light.

There is nothing more I desire

Than for you to crave this too

To feel empty in your chest

And untethered to the earth

Without me in your arms.

Hopeful that your fire will live.

I cry out into the wind

The candle clutched to my chest

Wax pooling down my palms

Burning and blistering and bubbling

And still I offer safe harbor.

Your smile makes the flame waver

My heart follows suit

Lungs compressed and narrowed

But I risk the journey

To you.

Hopeful that our fire will live.

I don't want you

At least I don't think so

But I need you

Or that is how it feels

Here's the problem

The thing that troubles me

They always say

It's when you know you know

But I am scared

Because with you, I don't

Years have passed since you came in

Unexpectedly, like a storm.

You made me question everything

All that I knew before changed form.

My world fell and so have my nerves,

So I buried myself in denial

To put everything back on my terms -

A safe distance from your ambiguous smile.

I went through all stages of grief

As I willingly ripped my heart out.

Our interaction, although brief,

Left a deep mark, clear and loud.

I thought it was fear, or anger;

I thought you were wrong and I was right.

The sight of you made me lose my temper

Or end up in a "fight or flight".

I spent forever to come up with a name

For this awfully bizzare experience -

I tried everything and nothing came

Nor could I cause its disappearance.

It persisted with Herculean might

Piercing the layers it was under.

Finally, it had been brought to light,

Released from this prolonged slumber.

A feeling that I hesitated to define -

Powerful, bright and pristine.

A feeling that resists through time,

Mindbending, euphoric like a dream.

A feeling that awakes my soul,

An endless game of run and chase,

A feeling that I can't postpone

Nor cancel, drown, or replace.

Years have passed since you came in

And after all, today I know

This feeling that has crawled under my skin.

Finally, now, I can let you go.

I did not know where they were

I searched

and searched

and searched

I did not find them.

Then I did,

and it drove me to the cusp of death.

Then I tried to find a way to save them,

and it was all in vain.

Later people said that I went insane.

That I lost it.

That I could have died a noble death,

instead of in a hospital

screaming my throat sore.

Two scribblers,

strangers yet intimate in ink,

he a word weaver without equal

hypnotizing letters into lines

attentive and perfectly posed

in poetic trance or dance

to end in spellbinding prose

She an apprentice

with stars in her eyes and heart

cracked open revealing

the strain and struggle of each

loop and line painstaking

fictionalizing truth in amateur script

to end in exposing question

Flurries of messages exchanged

in a tennis match of text

her story divulged for his expert eye

ingesting, suckling each syllable

and sloughing callouses

of gauche ambitious hand

guarded domain unearthing

green gold

to end without fingerprints

From across the room

a desperate yearning

in his gaze, magnets find true north

open mouths, tongues touch

a liquid sweet dance ensues, a tornado

twisting and ripping characters

from a scene, a plotline made for two

to end in romance … or tragedy?

I feel a love so strong, so pure,

But it's suffocating, I'm not sure,

If it's worth the pain, the constant fight,

Or if it's time to bid goodbye tonight.

I'm drowning in a sea of doubt,

I'm gasping for air, can't get out,

The love that once set me free,

Now feels like a cage, I can't flee.

I try to leave, but I can't go,

I'm trapped in a love that won't let go,

It's like quicksand, the harder I try,

The deeper I sink, and the more I cry.

I'm lost in a maze of emotions,

The uncertainty, the commotions,

I don't know what to do, or where to turn,

The desperate love, it makes me burn.

My heart is racing, my palms are sweaty,

I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm not ready,

To face the truth, to let it go,

To break the chains, and finally grow.

But as I stand here, in this dark place,

I know that I can't hide my face,

I must face the truth, and take a chance,

To break the cycle, and start a new dance.

So I take a deep breath, and let it out,

I whisper a prayer, and scream a shout,

I'm ready now, to face the pain,

To leave the desperate love, and break the chain.

Love is like a beautiful blade, its only dangerous in the wrong hands.

And your hands were drenched with blood.

Yet I stayed.

I stayed for you daggers of abuse and hatred, I watched as you gave your love to everyone..but me.

Not that I cared, it hurt yes but the wound losing of you would kill me. Despite the fact I knew I hadn't truly smiled in months, being with you was draining because I knew your sweet words were as empty and as broken as a shattered cup.

I want you to love me and ill stay here until you do, through all the pain and worry and panic all the anger and hatred i feel, i will stay here for you. For us.

Don't ignore me.

Love me.

Please.

I'm begging you.

Just love me....