33

Heaven sent the rain

The day that I met you

Weather, hot and sticky

My dress, knee length and blue

Wind swept through the pine trees

Lightning lit the sky

Sparking electricity

Between your heart and mine

Quietly you spoke to me

Tears of joy would flow

Our love would blossom through the fall

And bring us marriage vows

Not many years would follow

A child, a house; our home

When fall would be the season

Your body lost its soul

From the threshold of our home

Where you’d carried me, your bride

I’d pass through, now a widow

To the rain that fell outside

The drops mixed with my tears

And fell on golden leaves

As I crushed them underneath my steps

Trembling and bereaved

Heaven sent the rain

The day I buried you

My dress, knee length and black

My heart stricken and blue

Several years would pass

But still my dress the same

Grief, full length and black

Clothed me every day

Then one day, hot and sticky

Rain would bring relief

When showers washed upon my heart

And took with it the grief

I can still recall that day

The electricity

A rainbow stretching ’cross the sky

Reaching endlessly

Each drop like diamonds glistening

The sun would ’luminate

My dress, her golden raiment

As my tears mixed with the rain

Heaven sent the rain

The day I said goodbye

And let you from my grasp

So we were both set free to fly

Photo Credit: Steve Perry: Sunshine Through the Rain

I am 19 years old.

There is a child. He likes me for some reason, has joy in his voice when he says my name, leaving out the Mr. he’s supposed to put in front of it. I’ll never tell him that though. There’s something in him though, a desperate crawling empty need. Something he clutches at me to ease or fill, but I can’t not in the one year I get to be there for him. I can cover it for a second, let him sit in my lap, hold my hand, use my coat as a hat. But it’s there, always. Sometimes it comes out in full force, he stands still staring at something, the radiator in the hallway is a common choice, or he’ll walk out of the school, kicking a snow bank and looking at the wall. I’ll crouch next to him, try to tell him that he has to go inside, go to class, learn, grow, get ready for me to abandon him. But it isn’t enough I can’t join him in that empty need that he sits in, all I can do is be with him, be there for him, ready to lift him out, let him know that I’ll always be there for him. But I won’t be. I’ll be gone in a year, and I can’t explain to him the reasons why, not in a way he’ll understand. He’ll just know that I’m gone and that there is a new batch of tall people in red jackets that think they can save him, that think he’s adorable and cute. That’ll laugh when he takes there stuff, when he thinks they will do anything he asks, because for one year they will. We will dig our way into his life, drag up the joy make him love and need us and then leave him. And then when the years of losses have beaten him down and he’s old enough to no longer be cute when he fails to respect us, we’ll try to dig past the walls to the child inside and maybe we'll succeed, and give him another year of love, before another batch leaves him.

But here I am for this year, and I’ll keep going, held together by some vain hope and little moments that keep the broken pieces from crumbling. Seeing him show his stuffed animal to another student, both of them smiling, him running by not noticing me in his joyful game, or seeing him watch his father picking away at a guitar as he puts on his backpack to go home. And sometimes that is enough for me to keep going until I can escape, let go of his pain in the way he can't, and be put back together by time in the way that he'll be beaten down.

21

On a seemingly normal

January night,

Laced with the bitter cold

Of an unforgiving winter,

My family suddenly changed

In ways I never could've foreseen

As my parents screamed at one another,

Hurling insults, curses,

All manner of cruelty at each other,

All I could do was cower in the corner

I was beyond shocked, scared into silence,

My whole body quivering with fear

It was a long, dark night,

One that felt like eternity stretching on

It was this night I discovered,

How detrimental the acohol

My parents consumed was,

To them,

To us

This seemingly powerless substance

Had resulted in a true mess,

A jumble of a family,

An absence of love

It completely changed us

With no one to lean on,

I relied on my own perseverance,

The will to help where I could,

Here and there

Building myself back up,

I learned how to be strong

The addiction wasn't my doing,

Rather the result of petty faults

I encouraged myself

That one day

I would escape

And that is what I continue to do,

To this day

15

I’m alone

I’m not wanted

Should I end it?

13

Young and stupid

Thats what I was

I thought I was in love

But you sure as hell weren’t

You used me to rank up

And prove you weren’t gay

After realizing how fruitless that was

You dumped me to the ground

Without a word

Just disappeared from my life

You came out a few months later

And became a bitch

Goodbye my old friend

11 or 12

Maybe a blade could work

No one loves me

I’m bullied all the time

So who would miss me

11

So apparently no doesn’t mean no

I’m only a girl

You’re a badass high school boy

Apparently, you can touch me wherever you want

Because I’m only an eleven year old girl

Stop doesn’t mean that to you

The only thing I’m glad about is that it was a crowded room

So it didn’t go further

Now

I’ve definitely strayed from the dark place for a bit now

I have made a few new friends

And I am feeling wanted

My best friends have saved my life in more ways than I can count

My sister just listens which is sometimes all I need

Writing has also helped me, along with colorguard

I’ve just been putting it all out there

Using whatever I feel and channeling it into something I love

Because I’m staying here as long as I can

And bearing all the scars that come with it