Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Some random girl breaks into the house of some really hairy people, eats all their food, and sleeps around.

Hansel and Gretel

Some children get lost, and decide to eat some ladies house. When the lady gets mad, they push her into an oven.

Cinderella

A servant cons a prince into agreeing to marry her, but it doesn't matter, because he forgets what she looks like.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

A prince finds a corpse in the woods, and discovers a fondness for necrophilia.

Jack and the Beanstalk

Some kid grows a really big green stick. He climbs it and finds a bird.

Rapunzel

A witch kidnaps a baby because the mother likes spices. There also a guy who gets blinded by some thorns.

Frozen

A socially challenged girl with bad taste in men drives her sister to become a hermit in the mountains.

Harry Potter

There's magic, people who eat death, and one of the character's names is a cuss word. There are too many gingers.

Brave

A ginger shoots stuff and rips her dress. She poisons her entire family, except her father.

Aladdin

A tiger-owning princess, who wears very little clothing sits on a rug with a nippleless thief.

1. Greek Heroism:

Odysseus screwed a couple of hot immortal women for several years before he got literally every member of his crew killed. Then he and his kid committed mass murder in his house. His wife was really happy to have him back.

Also, his dog died.

2. The Giver

This kid spends hundreds of hours with a lonely old man in a room nobody else is allowed to look in. They talk about colors, so he runs away from home and steals a baby.

3. Twofer: A Winter's Tale AND Paddington

I don't really understand this story, but out of nowhere there was this fucking bear.

Star Wars: Episode 1 -

A ninja mime chases down a few rent-a-cops while a whining child fumbles his way through a civil war.

Star Wars: Episode 2 -

A culmination of terrible life choices results in one giant, raging ego. Also the whining child has grown up into a whining teenager and starts another war.

Star Wars: Episode 3 -

Everybody loves space opera, so I thought you might want some space opera in your space opera. Annoying teenager lashes out in self hatred and kills annoying children in an attempt to kill himself. Suicide attempt almost succeeds, but becomes a robot instead. Space ninja order eradicated.

Star Wars: Episode 4 -

If you thought the previous lead was annoying, whoa boy! Whining farm boy (annoyance must be hereditary) becomes Mary Sue and blows up a moon just to get revenge for a creepy old space ninja.

Star Wars: Episode 5 -

Like tandem skydiving, but instead tandem tantrum throwing. Robot from before channels his inner teenage angst to capture his teenage angsty progeny. Hands up - HAH! I remember something about a bunch of snow somewhere...

Star Wars: Episode 6 -

Teenage angst vanquished! ... Not. Whiny adult leads teddy bear rebellion against the space robot. Fireworks and booze for all the teddy bears. A weird love triangle gets resolved when it turns out the one redeeming factor about the whiny bunch is that they don't like incest.

Star Wars: Episode 7 -

Did you see episode 4? Replace whiny teenage boy with inexplicably perfect teenage girl. Everything else remains unchanged. Unofficial title is Star Wars Episode 7: The Search for More Merchandising.

Star Wars: Episode 8 -

Tonight, there's going to be a jailbreak, somewhere in this town! Tonight there's going to be a jailbreak, and every intelligent person even remotely associated with the project will abandon all hope and leave. The most boring space race of all time crawls on by while an insubordinate dick wad goes on a side quest. Girl Perfect meets whiny incestor who still hasn't found a cure for all the whining going on in the galaxy. Oh, did I forget to mention the most whiny of all characters, New Space Robot? Yeah. New Space Robot, version 2: now serving cheese with its whine.

Hallucinating hippie summons ghosts in his cornfield so he could play catch with his daddy again.

Clever convict spends his nights digging with a hammer so he can escape to Mexico to sand a leaky boat.

Italian prick ruins his whole family slowly.

Plucky garbage compactor convinces fat people to return to a scorched earth.

Robot cop thinks he is the offspring of two robots who had sex, but he wasn’t.

Ex-astronaut meets his elderly daughter after travelling through deep space and not being crushed to death in a black hole.

A young girl (Anna)mwho foolishly believes in true love chases after her independant sister because she's lonely. Her wannabe emo sister (Elsa) can freeze stuff, so she turns the whole world into eternal winter. Her sister is upset because she hates winter, like every other sane person, so she chases after her sister because why the hell not? She's been living a culturally deprived life, though, so no one can actually blame her.

Yet another white trash trailer kid becomes the savior of a magical, technologically enhanced future, after he inherits the Matrix by answering puzzles based on a period of the past most associated with overt materialism / bad 8 bit graphics - with the help of a body-positive token female, who of course lets him have top spot, but it's OK because his other white guy friend turns out to be a black chic so representation, yay.

So this young woman, Dorothy, is a pain in the ass at the farm where there is so much work to be done. Everyone at the farm loves her very much. She has a wild imagination and a beloved dog. She sings to the dog about flying over the rainbow.

The nasty neighbor tried to take her dog away so she felt she had no choice but to run away with her dog.

Tornados happen a lot in Kansas. A big one was on the way. Dorothy, at the advice of an odd stranger con man, ran back home for protection from the deadly winds headed their way. She realized that she had worried the shit out of her family.

She’s too late in returning to safety as the furious winds knock her into unconsciousness.

She is catapulted into a dimension in which she experiences a place deep within all of us (was this a near death experience?) in which she is exposed to what life is all about.. good, evil, true friends, trust, song, confidence of thought, bravery, fear, fatigue, falsehoods, jealousy, trickery, creativity, tolerance, love, the pain of saying ‘goodbye,’ and the strongest desire to return home with family and friends.

She learned she possessed something very powerful if she would not part from those sick shoes she wore. She learned to stay on a path and she made it through the times when she was not sure which way to go. She chose to return home because there's no place like home.

The Wizard was all smoke and screens but not the shoes.

She woke surrounded by her loved ones at the farm including the dog. She tried to explain that she was with them all even while she was “out.”

The Princess Bride

A princess and a pirate fall in love.

Harry Potter

A boy and his two friends fight a man with no nose and his army of people who wear too much black. Also, they're British.

Hunger Games

Some kids fight each other to the death. Two of them fall in love. Then, they fight the government.

Shawshank redemption

A guy and his friend plan a trip to Mexico while they're in prison. One of them gets out of prison, the other digs his way out.

The Great Gatsby

This man throws crazy parties. The man in in love with a married woman. The man becomes friends with her cousin. The man dies.

Pride and Prejudice

Two people bicker for a while. They both get mad at each other. Then, they fall in love.