I can't even tell you how many times I have said that to myself upon realizing some shitty way I've been acting for, I dunno, forever. How is it that humans can go day after fucking day just being so goddamn oblivious to everything around them? Fuck me, man, I'm such an asshole. The chemical-slippery hot water is pouring down over my face and making it impossible to distinguish my tears. It feels weird to sob and not feel my tears fall, but I don't want anybody to hear me having a fucking mental breakdown for no reason, so I'm hiding in the shower. It's already hard enough to deal with my shit without the guilt I fucking spread around like HPV. Mental illness makes it so hard for me to not see myself as an illness. Daily, I have to make the choice whether to be the cunt or the cockroach. Do I convince myself I deserve all the earthy trappings that the shitlords of the United Fucking States of Goddamn America garner through sheer dumb fucking luck (and bloodshed and oppression) so that I can scratch out some semblance of happiness in this shitshow Disneyland? Do I cower and tell myself that I don't deserve any of these things because I did not earn them with my own two hands and I cannot provide for others with my own two hands? Am I a piece of shit for trying so goddamn hard every day to function and missing the mark almost every day? I carry my guilt like a cross, but it doesn't make me Christ-like, does it? Goddammit, I have no fucking idea.