You played your game and played it well,

Don't you think I knew?

In this empty room I tell myself

I'm sorry I'm a fool.

I saw the scheme, what you willed I believe,

Dismissed the nauseating truth.

And still every time I wake,

I always reach for you.

To the place you never were,

The one I saved for you,

Longed for you to take

And hoped could yet be true.

But just like all your words,

It never was fulfilled

And even knowing what would come,

I'm not ready for it still.

So I lay awake pretending

That a scent of you remains,

And ignore what my tears reminds me,

That space only ever held their stains.

How do I hold such delusional hope

And a faith that has no bearing,

When on all the things I've held so close,

I lost my grip so easy?

That you were my only reason for living,

Would surely be a lie.

So now that you've left me without you,

Why do I wish I could die?

If there's a dream beyond all reason,

One worth it to be had,

I'd say I dreamt you held me still,

And everything at bay that could ever make me sad.

This isn't how it was supposed to be

In lust with the pain, begging for release

So angry I can't stand to let go and just breathe

Why did I fall for you, why do I stay

When I feel it so clear at the end of every day

You don't want me near, wouldn't care if I walked away

And I guess better it stays hidden maybe but

The raging inside me seems so contradictory

To the quiet, lax stillness that everyone sees

But still if I told you, myself, honestly

I feel nothing but calm when you're finally next to me

And the hold you have over me, I wish I could sever,

Let my stupid heart be free

But as long as you have it, I'll probably forever

Keep hoping for what you won't be

Have you ever wanted to sit down and cry, but you can't let it get in your way, so you rinse your face with cool water and carry on with your day?

Do you avoid getting close to people, because you know it'll end up sore, so you lay awake alone at night wishing you had more?

Do you have those times that you're thankful for the peace and quiet of your own, or are more times spent on wishing that you didn't have to do it alone?

When you wake every day, do you put on your straight face to convince them that you're fine? You smile and laugh often enough to keep up with that lie?

Do you question if maybe it's not a lie, and everything is alright? Out of the lessons you've learned you just have yet to be content with your life?

And every time you tell yourself, you're sure there has to be more, you shove it quickly to the back of your mind, to where it was before.

Because first of all you know, dreams interfere with life, and you can't really have it all, until you know how to survive.

If any of that is true, please know you're not alone, coming from this girl, who has yet to find her home.

Now I don't know all of the details.

All I know is that you're gone.

That for whatever the reasons were

You didn't feel like you could go on.

And I know I shouldn't speculate

It should be none of my concern.

But what the hell were you thinking

In that motel room, all alone.

Of course I couldn't have you,

I could never be yours again.

But I wanted so bad to see you happy,

Not for your life to come to an end.

In my dreams I had high hopes,

You and Val, you'd thrive.

Why the fuck did you leave her alone

She needed you by her side.

How did you do it, how did they find you how long had it been?

When you opened that door, were you planning

Did you already know it was the end?

I thought I missed you like crazy,

I didn't realize it could be worse.

Never thought that I'd blame me

Or that you'd choose yourself to leave this earth.

As much as I hate that you're gone

I pray that you find peace

And that your little warrior

Will somehow be at ease.

I wish you knew how much I wanted to talk to you right now.

And you should know I've never tried to use you but you're the only one that I feel like has loved me, truly.

After all that's happened, after all we've been through, I feel like it's been only, and it was always you.

What the fuck is wrong with me that I could even think that? Cause all you've said and done should have destroyed it.

Of all those moments that you weren't yourself, there were the ones where you were nothing else.

That's what I love, what I'm still hung up on. For what I've been told I was an idiot for still holding on.

But you love...when you were you. I wish you knew how much my heart still holds onto you.

I had to let go, I needed a change. But I wish you knew you weren't the only variable in that whole thing.

I feel so alone...and while I wish I were gone, I have two reasons why I will always hold on.

You gave me faith in myself, that without I never would have left. And that seems so contradictory, that what you gave me is what hurt us both.

I never meant to use that against you, but I will always give credit where credit is due. I would not be where I am if not for you. With the tears on my face, I still have to say thank you.

You hurt me the worst but you loved me the most. And while it may seem strange to say, I'm so happy for what I've lost.

Happy that I had you, for all that you've taught me. Happy for the time with Val, though I miss her like fucking crazy.

Now I don't know how you'll receive this or if it will even be sent, cause no matter if I want to, I could never have you back.

But you, you gave me all I have. The confidence, the willpower, everything that I lacked.

I miss my family, I miss my home, overall I hate every night that I lay awake alone.

But again baby, I have to thank you for making me realize I was strong. Helping me push forward, when everyone I've ever cared about told me it was wrong.

I have to admit it hurts like a bitch. My own mother telling me I'm worthless. But the names, the lectures, the silence...nothing hurt so much as your absence.

I think the worst part is knowing you hate me, knowing there's nothing I could say to make you forgive me. The only thing I can hope is that you know I didn't take it lightly.

With all that being said, I truly wish you the best. For you to move on and find someone worth the love you invest.

And I know that it's selfish but I'm so mad that I can't, I feel like I will always be stuck with what we were in my head.

Nothing could measure up or compare I'm sure, so does that mean that there's nothing worth waiting for?

And I know I'll be fine, I have been for almost a year. With no "good morning", "goodnight", or " baby, I'm here".

And that confidence you gave me is the only reason I'm here, almost every night I whisper "thank you" while I wipe away the tears.

With how badly I want to, I can't touch your face cause I'd never let go. You were so bad for me, but so good for my soul. And while I still feel it was right, there will always be a part of me that wishes I had never let go.

Could I ever define the contradiction

That pulses through my mind?

Is it possible to explain the feelings

That your heart provokes to mine?

The temptation to be near you,

The desire to bide afar.

The smile on my lips that begs to hide

Knowing you'll always be who you are.

An unexpected amazing;

Like midnight lit by the sun.

A welcome being of torment;

A summer storm when the day is done.

Like a thrill that burns in your chest

And you long to be left at ease.

Or felicitous disquiet

Of contentment finally siezed.

But with all this indecision,

My heart still aches for you.

When the days go by without your touch,

My green eyes begin to turn blue.

My love, do not disknow this,

Moonstruck though I may be.

Roses with thorns may be classic,

But wildflowers, ravaged with beauty.

I feel I owe you a thanks, my dear

No other could teach me what you have

What's become of us, after all,

I guess maybe it's not so bad.

Yes, you taught me the hard way,

Not sparing of pain and loss.

But those lessons will stay with me forever,

No fear of memory being lost.

To stand up for myself,

Amidst threats and in danger.

To stay calm and collected,

Being hurt and filled with anger.

To have self respect,

And recognize my worth.

To prioritize my needs

Even knowing it will hurt.

You proved to me I have compassion

And can admit when I am wrong.

Helped me recognize manipulation,

To empathize and yet stay strong.

You've taught me to be cautious,

And always be aware.

To determine every situation

And treat them all with care.

You remind me it's okay to love

And to let my pain be felt.

But not to be foolish, dismissive

And forget how it came about.

You've shown me that my love is real

And that for you it always was

That it's far better to have loved and lost

Than to have never loved at all.

You've painted me a picture with the beautiful words you say, and make me fall more in love with you with every passing day.

Starting with thoughts of you and ending with kisses from memory, holding onto what we have and what I hope will eventually be.

But behind that picture, the part I chose not to see, someone shares your life, your love, someone who isn't me.

Are you mine or is she yours, I know you've told me this before, but I've been burned so many times, I just wish I knew for sure.

Am I too understanding, too dismissive of it all, set on having something not mine, too willing to take the fall?

My love, I will wait for you, as long as it has to be, though my head is spinning stories and overrun with jealousy.

Because someday soon I know you'll be all mine, no one else to take you away, to steal our precious time.

And in that picture, the one I see in my dreams, you'll hold me tight and there we'll be, alone together, you and me.