how far can i go without losing you, and will i lose me, too?
my stomach drops,
my throat tightens,
my heart quickens,
my eyes swell,
every time
i hear your name.
is it because of regret?
knowing that something
could have been,
and thinking that
something,
anything,
should have been.
is it because of embarrassment?
resenting the words
i expressed to you;
the completely vulnerable
moments
filled with honesty
and passion,
and wondering
if you do, too.
is it because of fear?
dreading the look of
disappointment
and anguish
hidden behind
your dark eyes.
convincing me
more and more
every time
that i never meant
anything to you.
or is it because
despite the "what-could-have-beens," embarrassments, and the "never-good-enough-to-make-you-stay" resentments,
i still fall for you,
and i don't know
why?
Peter, You Were Right..
I think Pan had it right. Growing old is a big fat illusion, and one of life's biggest, cruelest jokes. Adulthood is a trap, and I'm set on a one way path straight towards it. As a kid, there was nothing I wanted more than to grow up. I wanted the new opportunities that came with higher age. I always wanted to be older, because the big kids always got to have the most fun... But being older isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'm being thrown head-first into the raging white waters of life, and I can't even tell which way is up anymore. I'm drowning in responsibilities and requirements and expectations...
I look ahead at the terrifying river of life and can't help but think... Pan had it right..
