Pretending

I never heard those vicious words,

I dissolved my neverlasting freedom of thoughts into bubble baths.

Staring into the dusk, I always adored the moon

I shut my door and pondered

Moon had glory,

Another beautiful story

Devastated my existence by questioning my everlasting faith

Astonished, I chased evidence to prove my innocence

I have stopped cherishing the moon, it’s perhaps my flaws trapped in a cage

Pretending

I never witnessed the humiliating words

I dissolved my agony in my neverlasting mind palace

Staring into the amber dust, I always praised the sun,

I shut my door and sobbed

Sun had flare

Another prayer

Crushed my life under few filthy words, flushed my trust

I wasn’t surprised at venom rushed to trap me in, I wasn’t afraid of reputation melting to cinder,

I have stopped adoring the sun, it’s perhaps a mirror to my demon

Sandlewood smoldering in candlestand.

Sophia brushed her teeth,

washed yesterday out of her hair,

Another Sunday she rushed to the bus stop.

A little girl crossing the road with Hershey’s ice-cream cone melting down till her elbows and dripping.

Sophia took the bus to her work.

Remembering how she used to play in the park, sand-filled her shoes.

When the moon chased her, she couldn’t tie her shoelaces.

Skyscrapers melted down bending to her faded childhood.

Sophia saw an innocent, naive, carefree girl crossing the road.

Just like her.

Sophia wished she could turn back the clock

and skip today’s laundry

Just go and enjoy Hershey’s ice-cream.

Sometimes I feel holding the power to run the world at my fingertips. I built the world. Bringing back those memories of when had a fictional friend. Words tumbled from my mouth and hit my mother’s ears. I had some stories which I needed to share. My story might be different or the same. But what’s new is I, Aastha, is the protagonist of my life. Flickering street light dies without hope. My name means strong, hope, but I don’t think that my personality suits my name. Dipping my nose into freshly ink pages, hands smudging the ink blending like the mountains in the countryside do. Chilling winter winds touch me and remind me that I am sitting by the window of my highschool.

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Bethany.

Malicious memories,

Battles she fought, wounds never seen

Searching through the lost and found

Ripped by her kindness

Her greatest ecstasy

She listened to everybody’s grief.

Immersed herself

she sank sank sank

Bethany

Took the bus to church,

Gave an ear to everyone, she conquered a crown,

Listened to all, surviving,

every night she repents, moisture on her face

Flickering lights on the corner of the street

She killed someone, dragged the body to the basement

Cleaning the blood in the attic,

she wrapped herself in a fresh blanket,

when she thought was her responsibilities

Bethany

Her shoulder was heavy with her deeds, helplessly

Drawers filled with unpaid receipts

When will she realize

The one she killed is bethany. Oh! Bethany

Dancing in the dark, footprints on a sea

Listening to every wave, leaving endings which are hollow,

Cause' she was sinked into sorrow like a sponge.

Bethany

Breathlessly,

She was filled with jealousy,

She wanted someone to share her emptiness with,

Which seeps into her glass mind on midnights, sleeplessly,

She killed Bethany, she killed herself,

Bethany

Desperately she went on a walk by sea,

She heard her screams, felt something died inside of her

Fragile feelings she'd concealed

Bethany

Magic of the words turn into cinder,

Flickering lights

Malicious memories,

Don't be like Bethany,

Leave behind kindness which hurts sensibility,

Oh! Bethany.

i)

Cinder brushed on aurora melting on my eyelids,

Collar bone covered with fat.

Bleeding wounds that will never heal

But ribcages have protected my nasty sins, scars,

Even if you swallow sorrow or repent and repent

Don’t punish your body,

Pretty things fade with time, you’re beauty is immortal, like evergreen trees in a rainforest.

Love yourself

ii)

August is the most romantic month when heatwaves hit your face with water droplets now from your eyes but clouds which pour love which is immortal

Summer vacations when I wake up late, microwave food,

Spending time with a friend

Hanging out on the terrace all day long,

I learned poems can’t always rhyme,

It’s so gross to play with slime

Love lasts for a lifetime

iii)

Things change

Nothing lasts forever and

The old music was better

Friendship does have an expiry date

But before that, you should live every second

Now,

We are just friends who wish each other and

how are you? And I am fine type

Tears have dried. I loved you. But for you, I was an option, not a priority. I even wrote my own Eulogy cause’ you wanted me dead

Because everything fades with time, when you sink into your pillow your screams will be heard only by you. You win battles no one knows anything about.

You’re brave and you can do it.

iv)

A smile saves everything

So even if your hollow inside learn to wear that smile like a weapon and

Wear your smile

Even if you’re broken inside

Smile is a piece of jewelry you are compelled to wear

Cradle your feelings, Cease your feelings.

V)

Don’t crush on people

Please don’t crush on people, get obsessed with them, even though they won’t like you back. But follow the rule. Learning rule. Learn at least one thing from your crushes and follow it in your life.

Vi)

Silence can’t be heard,

The world is deaf. But the right time is now,

If we delay

We won’t be able to breathe

We won’t be able to live the same

COVID was a demo of what’s to come

All the earth will burn to flames

Vii)

Petrichor and solitude are the best gifts

Viii)

I have captured my hope in candles. That I blow when I weep, the fragrance of dreams is lasting longer, longer, and longer. Eventually, hope is the strong smell that gives you a headache but it’s good. It’s good. It’s good.

Ix)

Lying supine on the cool sand. I wonder what the future holds. I think. Think. Think. But

If you what to get your dreams. Wake up. Do it. No one is going to do it for you

X)

When I was young I used to wonder what would happen if I put my hand into the electricity socket. My mum told me but I didn’t listen to her. So really on some people like your backbone, don’t question them

Xi)

Write about what you feel. Relatability over honestly. It is hard to it always. But sometimes authenticity is better. Raw emotions need to be expressed.

Xii)

Just found the word Pluviophile

A lover of rain. Rain is my friend. But it comes once every year to this desert to witness my dry heart.

xiii)

Fire or ice will kill us

But did Frost mention about thoughts?

Our thoughts change our habits

Also changes the world

So don’t let your mindset defile of define the world you shape

xiv)

You will never be happy with your past writings or anything, but those are steps you can’t jump. So once you fall down Samina, get up, put on your bandages, and run again.

xv)

SPREAD LOVE. When you can’t smile then make someone else smile.

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FOOTNOTE: THESE ARE THE 15 THINGS I LEARNED IN MY LIFE. THANK YOU ALL FOR ALL YOUR WISHES. THIS IS THE BEST BDAY I EVER HAD. :) PLEASE STAY SAFE AND WEAR YOUR MASKS

slowly sliping away on scratchy sheets

the bright light I am soon to meet

grayed in by life's only rule

each breath could be my last

falling through the cracks

Folding a paper plane, sealing the letter enclosed in it. I sent it to you

Fractured legs, broken heart, a paper heart, paper cuts

Trying to remember all the good times,

Polaroid that is decorated on my closet, where I closed my heart

I wrote cute letters, decorated with stamps,

Cards doodled with memories we built together

I folded the paper plane and sent it to you.

You opened it and smiled

Fractured legs, broken heart, a paper heart, paper cuts

Paper cuts hurt just like the bloodstains on my carpet, the lavender fragrance of freshly made card cuts my paper heart,

Where are you gone? I have a piece of your heart. I am making a paper plane, I hope it reaches you

Wings holding paper cuts, taped them back put your footsteps burnt

Fractured legs, broken heart, a paper heart, paper cuts

I am breathing mist into our photo frame, we engraved the mirror with cute designs as a prank, now where are you pranking me

I was blinded by the august heatwaves, brushing rain on us like no one wanted us to stay together, putting paper boats in puddles,

Fractured legs, broken heart, a paper heart, paper cuts

Sugar-coated donuts falling your black hoodies, bubbles rising to the top of the glass, honey dripping down your lips,

Falling

Falling

Faith

Pictures I am living now, being lost in the past like the January coldness wraps me into august humidity on my specs mixing with hopelessness, roll down like my tears,

I believe imagination and reality have a gap, a paper gap, I wanna tear it, but these paper cuts

Fractured legs, I can’t move apart,

Broken heart, a paper heart

Paper cuts

He sneaks out early again, a quick goodbye, a kiss on the head, he seems so cold compared to how hot he was last night. He tells her he’s running late, for work he says, but she knows the truth: he has to get back to her, his wife, her best friend.

The guilt isn’t enough to keep them apart, it’s like some magnetic force keeps drawing them together, they’re in love. Well she is, there’s no doubt in her mind, he on the other hand? He’s never been more unsure. Caught between a rock and a hard place. Can something started in anger, revenge and lust ever go deeper? can you really be in love with two people at the same time?

The sex is different, more passionate, clothes flung all over the room, the hotel room. It all feels so cheap, so dirty, so meaningless. At home the sex is safe, caring, gentle and it doesn’t come with the complexities of the other woman. But it does come with arguments. He and his wife have lost the ability to see eye to eye. He doesn’t know which brand of complication he’d rather: the complication of having to hide or the complication of loving someone yet apparently not enough to stay and work on their issues.

She’s getting impatient, waiting for him to make a choice: “I just need more time”. He tells her. How much more time? She’s given him months! She’s getting desperate to tell someone, anyone. She wants to shout it from the rooftops, broadcast it all over the late night news. She’s begged him to come clean more times than she’d care to admit. Maybe one day she’ll force his hand, leave a piece of evidence in plain sight, maybe some underwear or her favourite perfume, the one she wears all the time. She wants it to be obvious, she wants to get caught. It used to matter to her that she’d hurt her best friend, but now? too much time has passed, she’s not sure she cares anymore, she just wants him all to herself.

She sits by the door, waiting for him to come home. He tells her he’s working late, but she knows the truth: she’s seen the texts, heard them whispering behind her back that night, at their mutual friend’s birthday party. She should confront him, kick him out, she should be stronger than this. But she just can’t bring herself to do it. She loves him too much to let go, she’s been with him so long she’s forgotten what it’s like without him, the thought tairs her apart, almost as much as the affair itself. So she acts oblivious, puts on a smile, who knows? Maybe in time he’ll get bored and stop all this before it’s too late.

How could she? Her best friend, a lying, cheating whore! Someone she shared so much with. She wants to kill her, oh how she wants to kill her: she has dreams about it every night, stabbing her right in the chest then carving her name in her blood. What they’ve done, it’s driving her crazy, they don’t realise the mess they’ve made, or how long it might take to clean up.

And that’s the thing about illicit affairs, you think it’s all fun and games: until someone gets hurt, or ends up with two little lines on a stick, until one of you gets in too deep and falls in love, and sometimes it turns into something way more sinister that none of you can ever undo. And so you’re left with the question, was it worth it?

Remember those mornings and endless nights 

When I waited for your call

Those tall tales and lovely lies,

Oh, how I miss them all.

Every second I spent with you,

I felt like there was no tomorrow

But all those days have disappeared, 

And have now drowned me in deep sorrow.

You cannot leave me incomplete,

Your love isn’t something from what I can abstain

But if you were just a euphoria,

Then why am I still in pain?

Those broken moments and stolen kisses

Will I have them back again?

You were the serpent weren’t you,

In the garden of Eden.

Still everyday I wait here,

Hoping that you will arrive

But if lust was all you ever wanted for,

Then burn me down alive.

Can you hold my hands for one last time

Like how you used to do?

For all my life I have lived so far,

You were all I knew.