an empty heart

because 

broken hearts

are heavy things, and

i'm not

                strong

                               enough.

HER:

There was this boy at school who kept giving me awkward glances or always looking at my way. I would see all his friends poke him at the side, and I would pass by and he'd just stare after me. 

It was just a little after New Year, just before Valentine's Day. And as you know, every Valentine's, all the beautiful girls in the school get either flowers or chocolates or both, from the boys that adore them. I never got anything on Valentine's by the way. I went by my day as usual, then I went home in the afternoon. 

Around 5:40 in the late afternoon, I heard the doorbell rang. I came to get the door, see who it was. 

It was him. The boy. He had a bouquet of flowers in hand. Dark red roses. 

"Must be expensive," I said, pointing to the bouquet. He did not say a word, he only extended them out to me.

"Oh, they're for me?" I sniffed the roses and sneezed. "I'm sorry. Is that all?"

He turned and walked away; again, without saying a word.

I immediately dropped the flowers into the garbage can in the kitchen.

Going to the living room to watch television; by this time, I heard my mother come into the kitchen and say, remorse in her voice, "Poor flowers. Anna, do you know who sent these flowers?" 

I saw her appear in the TV room with the flowers in her hand. Which I immediately grabbed away from her hand and binned them again. I sneezed. "Mom, you know I'm allergic to these." 

HIM:

I finally gathered up courage to talk to Anna. That was last week, when I gave her flowers. I bought the bouquet of pretty red roses using the money I saved up from my part-time job as a cook. 

I didn't really talk though, I didn't say anything, I was too nervous. But I did hand over the flowers to her, nicely and neatly. Did I need to speak anything? I heard it was said that, sometimes, silence speaks it all. That in place of words, silence fills in for everything void. All the things you wanted to say, spoken in silence.

I just wanted to drop by her place, today, to say goodbye. I was going away for good, to go to college. Make my dreams come true. You know, I always wanted to be a musician. 

When I arrived at her place, it was early in the morning and the garbage truck was there. I saw a garbage man emptying out the Stoner family garbage can, that is, Anna's. I watched as the bouquet of red roses tumbled out and into the black garbage bag.

"Nooooooo!" 

Like a movie in a  slow-mo I came to the rescue.

The garbage man had an odd look on his face. "You got any problems, son?"

Back to earth.

 I stopped, and flattened out an invisible crease on my shirt. "No, sir."

"Don't get too serious, though. It might kill you." He laughed, showing a set of yellow teeth and red gums. "Them girls." At that instant, he was talking about Anna, who was standing in front of their door, flirting with another boy. She didn't seem to notice me.

I watched her flip her hair, heard her titillated voice giggling. Things she didn't do when she was with me. 

I looked at her, for the longest time maybe. I knew I had to walk away. 

I walked away, my eyes steady on the ground.

I didn't know that Anna knew, that Anna watched, I only knew, I had to forget her soon.

Rain was my call to the window

At night

My gray inside

Had a place to play

In another

Dark

Where there was no need for hiding

And smile for the smile I was given

Perhaps

Trace a name in thick breath

Fingertips

Across the pane

For the candle I burned that day

Rebellious head

But content in the music

I slept against the wall

Back then

Against the sandpaper texture

Of nicotine amber

On an old black lounge

Was warm

Knees to the paint

And thunder rolling

A rumble through the thighs

My belly

A palm exit in waves

Back into the air

No one asked me to pull the window shut

To keep the cushions dry

I smoked half burned Marlboro Reds

My mother left

Forgotten

Lipstick kisses

Love from an ashtray

Scribbles of black across bleeding blue lines

Against a frame beaded in condensation

Release

Of the inside

Buzzing

But

Manageable

Enough for words

I listened to those Crows

More than I should have

But I learned

Sweet revelations in muted pounding

Pellets on tin roof

That lyrics were my muse

So I sang mine to the fly screen

And waited for the night

To spit back into my face

Lick me

Drown me

Or shut me up

Gravel rising to the pouring

Stirring

The filth we've beaten in with our soles

An escape for the dirt

We've compacted

But the human cannot stop this sky from weeping it free

As it deserves

Webs of blue and gold

Crack

Through the black

To catch the shadows

Who meant to stay the night

I was safe

The voices fade in the storms

Into their own spaces

Where they too

Could rest

Without a pinching masquerade

Of faces

Outside

Lost and sinking

In the silence

Of the falling

Rain

Soft tap

Turned eyes

White breath capping 

statuesque trees

Nuzzling the grass

Eyes searching the sky

Hand passing over the moon

Laughs tiptoeing across the clouds

as faintly

Shutters 

sigh

sometimes, i feel a hunter

i admit, i admired

your pretty coat

and wild eyes,

your gnashing teeth

when i reached

to touch your wounds

sometimes, i feel a poacher

i confess, i craved

your feral blood

and savage snarl,

your brittle claws

when i reached

to take your hand

sometimes, i feel a savior

i swear, i stole you

from one trap

right into another,

your skittish heart

when i reached

to feel your pulse

sometimes, i feel a stalker

because love

is patient,

like a wolf.

Thinking this would be easy was the furthest thing from his mind, waking up in a place like this. Fear slowly rumbling its way up from his feat to his heart, the foggy haze was fading as he realized he couldnt move. "Why am i here!?", "who did this to me?", he thought to himself, feet and hands bound in this small room with no light. Struggling to find a way free he wiggles and worms around in the dark, hoping to get an idea of where he is. He can hear the sound of chains and metal clanging together as he bumped into the imediate walls around him. "Must be a shed", he thought as he desperately tried to figure out what he could have done, why he would deserve this, who did he cross this badly?. Panic began to flood in as he noticed something, the things around him werent just tools and lawn supplies found in normal sheds, the smell of iron oxide filled the room, blood.

He reached up as high as he could, feeling for what it was, sharp and wet, cold and curved, hooks. He was in a meat shed he realized as he fell back in disbelief, "what did i do, what did i do!?", he asked himself over and over trying to make sense of this, of why he was here, and what would happen to him.

As he fell back to the corner of the shed he hit the wall a tad too hard and to his surprise a slab of unknown fleshy weight fell off of one of the hooks, heavy, and pinning him there. He struggled and struggled to get from under it, its wet cold fluids bathing him, noticing cloth he investigated, feeling it more over with bound hands his fingers grazed an odd edge, wet meaty flesh around a hard knot, must be bone. Feeling all over he found five sites on the meat like this, then it dawned on him, the cloth was a shirt. "Oh god it a person!", He cryed out, panicing at max he squirmed and jerked his way out from under the body. But he knew he made too much noise, because he could hear heavy wide footsteps approching the shed from outside. He knew whoever put him here was back, nd he was helpless. The door bursts open! He can see him now, this monster of a man, huge even by normal standards. Giant and covered in blood, wearing a sac on his head with holes cut out for seeing, overalls drenched in someone elses death, growling an inhuman sound, wild like a beast. The monster took a step in, he knew that he couldnt do anything, tears began forming in his eyes. Who would do this in broad daylight? And why to him? Seemed hopeless, and he couldnt figure out why. That was the scariest part, that he had no idea why he was here, snatched from his home, looking around he could see the dripping hooks and other victims, 3 in total that he could tell, were all chopped up and he knew he would soon follow. He screamed at the beast, "who are you!?", "why are you- before he could finish his words the monster jumped forward, hook in hand, springing forward with one powerful blow, before he could blink the hook was in the side of his temple, spazzing like a cat that had gotten its head crushed he fell to the ground, looking up at the overalled menace. Vision and hearing fading slowly as he could make out the mans slight gritty chuckle, enjoying what he had just done, he kneeled down and looked him in the eye, slowly removing the sac from his head. He could barely see him, these last few seconds of life, fear exploding in his chest as he knew this was it, he felt himself going. As the sac came off the demons face he could see the shocking reality of it, it was his neighbor, The old fat farmer down the road. He never figured him to be a murderer, a monster that butchered humans for his own pleasure. Fading to blackness he could still hear him laughing, that deep ugly chuckle of approval, a laugh of pride in his work, heh heh heh heh,.. Heh heh heh heh heh.....   

His glory, by whose might all things are mov'd,

Pierces the universe, and in one part

Sheds more resplendence, elsewhere less. In heav'n,

That largeliest of his light partakes, was I,

Witness of things, which to relate again

Surpasseth power of him who comes from thence;

For that, so near approaching its desire

Our intellect is to such depth absorb'd,

That memory cannot follow. Nathless all,

That in my thoughts I of that sacred realm

Could store, shall now be matter of my song.

Benign Apollo! this last labour aid,

And make me such a vessel of thy worth,

As thy own laurel claims of me belov'd.

Thus far hath one of steep Parnassus' brows

Suffic'd me; henceforth there is need of both

For my remaining enterprise Do thou

Enter into my bosom, and there breathe

So, as when Marsyas by thy hand was dragg'd

Forth from his limbs unsheath'd. O power divine!

If thou to me of shine impart so much,

That of that happy realm the shadow'd form

Trac'd in my thoughts I may set forth to view,

Thou shalt behold me of thy favour'd tree

Come to the foot, and crown myself with leaves;

For to that honour thou, and my high theme

Will fit me. If but seldom, mighty Sire!

To grace his triumph gathers thence a wreath

Caesar or bard (more shame for human wills

Deprav'd) joy to the Delphic god must spring

From the Pierian foliage, when one breast

Is with such thirst inspir'd. From a small spark

Great flame hath risen: after me perchance

Others with better voice may pray, and gain

From the Cirrhaean city answer kind.

Through diver passages, the world's bright lamp

Rises to mortals, but through that which joins

Four circles with the threefold cross, in best

Course, and in happiest constellation set

He comes, and to the worldly wax best gives

Its temper and impression. Morning there,

Here eve was by almost such passage made;

And whiteness had o'erspread that hemisphere,

Blackness the other part; when to the left

I saw Beatrice turn'd, and on the sun

Gazing, as never eagle fix'd his ken.

As from the first a second beam is wont

To issue, and reflected upwards rise,

E'en as a pilgrim bent on his return,

So of her act, that through the eyesight pass'd

Into my fancy, mine was form'd; and straight,

Beyond our mortal wont, I fix'd mine eyes

Upon the sun. Much is allowed us there,

That here exceeds our pow'r; thanks to the place

Made for the dwelling of the human kind

I suffer'd it not long, and yet so long

That I beheld it bick'ring sparks around,

As iron that comes boiling from the fire.

And suddenly upon the day appear'd

A day new-ris'n, as he, who hath the power,

Had with another sun bedeck'd the sky.

Her eyes fast fix'd on the eternal wheels,

Beatrice stood unmov'd; and I with ken

Fix'd upon her, from upward gaze remov'd

At her aspect, such inwardly became

As Glaucus, when he tasted of the herb,

That made him peer among the ocean gods;

Words may not tell of that transhuman change:

And therefore let the example serve, though weak,

For those whom grace hath better proof in store

If I were only what thou didst create,

Then newly, Love! by whom the heav'n is rul'd,

Thou know'st, who by thy light didst bear me up.

Whenas the wheel which thou dost ever guide,

Desired Spirit! with its harmony

Temper'd of thee and measur'd, charm'd mine ear,

Then seem'd to me so much of heav'n to blaze

With the sun's flame, that rain or flood ne'er made

A lake so broad. The newness of the sound,

And that great light, inflam'd me with desire,

Keener than e'er was felt, to know their cause.

Whence she who saw me, clearly as myself,

To calm my troubled mind, before I ask'd,

Open'd her lips, and gracious thus began:

"With false imagination thou thyself

Mak'st dull, so that thou seest not the thing,

Which thou hadst seen, had that been shaken off.

Thou art not on the earth as thou believ'st;

For light'ning scap'd from its own proper place

Ne'er ran, as thou hast hither now return'd."

Although divested of my first-rais'd doubt,

By those brief words, accompanied with smiles,

Yet in new doubt was I entangled more,

And said: "Already satisfied, I rest

From admiration deep, but now admire

How I above those lighter bodies rise."

Whence, after utt'rance of a piteous sigh,

She tow'rds me bent her eyes, with such a look,

As on her frenzied child a mother casts;

Then thus began: "Among themselves all things

Have order; and from hence the form, which makes

The universe resemble God. In this

The higher creatures see the printed steps

Of that eternal worth, which is the end

Whither the line is drawn. All natures lean,

In this their order, diversely, some more,

Some less approaching to their primal source.

Thus they to different havens are mov'd on

Through the vast sea of being, and each one

With instinct giv'n, that bears it in its course;

This to the lunar sphere directs the fire,

This prompts the hearts of mortal animals,

This the brute earth together knits, and binds.

Nor only creatures, void of intellect,

Are aim'd at by this bow; but even those,

That have intelligence and love, are pierc'd.

That Providence, who so well orders all,

With her own light makes ever calm the heaven,

In which the substance, that hath greatest speed,

Is turn'd: and thither now, as to our seat

Predestin'd, we are carried by the force

Of that strong cord, that never looses dart,

But at fair aim and glad. Yet is it true,

That as ofttimes but ill accords the form

To the design of art, through sluggishness

Of unreplying matter, so this course

Is sometimes quitted by the creature, who

Hath power, directed thus, to bend elsewhere;

As from a cloud the fire is seen to fall,

From its original impulse warp'd, to earth,

By vicious fondness. Thou no more admire

Thy soaring, (if I rightly deem,) than lapse

Of torrent downwards from a mountain's height.

There would in thee for wonder be more cause,

If, free of hind'rance, thou hadst fix'd thyself

Below, like fire unmoving on the earth."

So said, she turn'd toward the heav'n her face. 

    The sound of the ocean waves crashing against the sandy shore made me open my eyes. I was in a paradise where there was no one around but me. At least I think there was no on else around. The sky was sunny with not a hint of dark clouds in the clear blue sky. The wind feels perfectly fine. Not too cold, not too hot. 

    I wandered along the shores barefoot, just basking in the warm rays of the sun on my skin. I looked down to see what I was wearing and saw the most beautiful white beach dress I have ever seen. I fell in love at first sight. My feet sank into the warm sand each time I took a step. 

    Suddenly, from far away, I saw a lone figure standing on top of a rocky cliff of a waterfall. From this angle, I can't see anything about him so I decided to walk closer. My eyes widen and my breath was taken away as I realize that he was the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on. His hair was a long curly raven black. His eyes were the color of a Siberian tiger's eye. 

    Thick, long lashes framed his eyes as he looked down at me. Soft lips and high cheekbones were what I saw next, and his strong jaw completed the look. He was built like a fighter, but not too bulky that he looked like a guy on steroids. Just as I was about to ask him who he is, his whole image blurred along with my dream and I woke up to the sound of my alarm buzzing.

    I turned it off, sighing deeply as I tried to recall the dream. I have never met the hot guy in my dreams, but for some odd reason, I just knew he was real, and I don't even know how. I sat up from my bed and crawled over to the edge so I could get off. My bed is gigantic and I have to jump to get on it. 

    I went into my closet and grabbed the neatly folded clothes that I have picked out the night before and went into the bathroom to take a shower and freshened up. After I was done, I went over to my bedside table and checked my messages and saw that I already have a new mission waiting for me, back at the headquarters. I sighed again and realize that today is going to be just like yesterday. A long day outside on a mission. I went downstairs to make a big breakfast for my starving stomach.