What She Saw
I learned the horrors of prescience at the very moment I discovered I was gifted with it.
She was a childhood friend, a year younger. There happened to be a pause in our rambunctious play, a pause just long enough, and our play just close enough, that we accidentally found ourselves looking into one another’s eyes. Being children, the staring itself became the game; exploring each other’s souls inside them, daring ourselves to venture deeper while at the same time being revealed. We passed that point where one laughs to hide their discomfort, or looks away, and we continued even longer, her winded breath so close that I could feel it on my chin, and on my moistened lips. It was then that I saw who she really and truly was, and she me. And it was then that I knew.
“You are going to die.” I whispered.
“I know.”
“What will you do?”
She answered the only way a child could answer when the question is so fearsome as death. “Hide.”
When I left her that day I never saw my childhood friend again.
“Robert?” My mother called from the foyer. “Alicia’s parents can’t find her. Do you know where she is?”
“No Momma,” I lied.
But it did find her, even where we had so carefully hidden her; inside that big old trunk down in her basement, covered between the musty old clothes and things, the heavy cedar top closed and latched.
There’d been death in my friend’s eyes that day. There is no hiding from that.
404 an error found
like all the roads before
I'm hitting the ground
when tired:
how do you run?
patch up the hurt
like all the times before
give up on being first
when lost:
how do you return?
en route 303
202
101
to zero
404 can not be found
i torched the highway
it's the ground
whereupon I now can stand
en route 303
a new road, another try
on and on it goes
times fly
i can't find the road for me
maybe some dreams aren't meant to be
From Pain to Purpose
The more I journal and blog on this website, at first it was an easy way to get every thought and the heaviness in my heart out onto paper...
Now, my gratitude and perspective has changed a bit. To be able to share what others are going through too, it changes things. Whether it is life changes, grief, loss, heartbreak, mental health struggles or whatever it may be.. it opens a whole new world to know for 1) I am not alone and 2) anyone can relate in some way, shape or form.
Instead of holding that pain inside and weighing yourself down from what you can’t carry.... give your pain a purpose.
“Whatever pain you can’t get rid of, make it your creative offering”
I am learning-
You are more than your grief that you hold. You are more than your brokenness and your past. You are more than your pain.
The messy parts of you, the deepest secrets you hide and the sadness you hold....make it into your own creative offering.
Create a purpose for your Pain.
Joy
Life's looking up for little ol' me
Been a while since I felt this happy
My joy is back
Got God to thank for that
I'm more confident than I've ever been
I can feel my joy seeping through my pen
No shame, no fear, no guilt weighing down on my shoulders
God loosed me from the boulders
That hung from my neck and pulled me down
Just when I thought I was going to drown
I shot up like a ball
And God caught me in my fall
I feel like everything is going my way
I find myself wishing my future was today
I don't dread it like I did in the past
With God's help, I know I'll last
Through the tough times, through the low times
Easy and high times, I'll be able to honestly say that I'm fine
I just feel so happy and optimistic
About the future, about the present
I feel comfortable in my skin
I don't feel like a monster trying to blend in
I grappled with addiction, but I gave it to God
Fearing being left, but knowing it was my next step, I came clean to my friends
It was hard, it hurt, but I knew it was what needed to happen in order to stop
I wish I could have met some of them in person, because I know there would have been tears shed
This last year has been transformative
Fighting for freedom, getting over someone, repairing a relationship
Learning that I don't need to keep everything bottled up inside
That I have friends and a Comforter in whom I can confide
Loving parents who are more supportive than I could have ever imagined
Looking back, I never thought that this could happen
I don't feel like I'm undeserving of being happy
I feel free to be me
I feel free
I know this verse has been quoted in music too much
But I got that joy down in my heart
Yeah, me and God won't ever part
He plotted the course on my chart
Time to fly into His embrace
No more shame when I look into His face
No more guilt when I go to pray
Can't express it all so I'll just say
I got that joy down in my heart
Life still isn't perfect, and I still blame myself
But you just gotta push that pessimistic voice into the depths of Hell
You don't have to feel guilty because you have joy
The voices telling you that need to be destroyed
Sure, it's easier said than done
But with God on your side the victory is sure as won
Life will never be perfect, and there's still things I'm working on
But count your victories and deal with the rest as they come
Fixing up your life takes a lot of effort
And for the last year, I've been putting in the work
I'm on the other side now
I feel invincible, like nothing could tear me down
I was boiling over with joy the other day
It's nice to be overflowing with happiness because you woke up that way
There's no inner turmoil
I just have peace that seems incapable of being spoiled
I'm closer to God than I've ever been, and there's still room to get closer
He's laid down His path for me, so I'm just going to keep moving forward
I no longer feel undeserving of being happy
I feel free to be me
I feel free
I know this verse has been quoted in music too much
But I got that joy down in my heart
Yeah, me and God won't ever part
He plotted the course on my chart
Time to fly into His embrace
No more shame when I look into His face
No more guilt when I go to pray
Can't express it all so I'll just say
I got that joy down in my heart
I'm sick of writing all these sad songs
Though it's nice to have a place to go to when you feel you've done something wrong
Or you need a place to vent when eruptions
Break out from your bottled up emotions
It's nice to be able to place
My thoughts in this safe space
But I used it as an outlet
Instead of talking about it
Opening up was freeing
I wonder what was keeping me from seeing
The path that led to my healing
Though I wish I could go back and keep some things
From happening
These storms and trials were the only way
To shape me into the man I am today
The View
I spy with my watchful eye,
the tulips and jonquils and wild violet’s
saying
”Spring is Sprung!”
The Robin red breast searches for a meal, and the swallows have come to bless my home.
All while the cheery Cardinal tells
us every day to be “Cheerful Cheerful Cheerful!”
Isn't that a lovely way to wake up to and greet the day?
Don’t Feed the Animal!
Caution!
Cage contains a Bad Proser!
This creature joined the site to write
(so he may never get around to reading yours).
The beast only “likes” what he likes,
only comments when there is really something there
(but if something clicks he may stalk your entire back catalog,
in search of more treasures),
reposts once in a blue freakin’ moon,
never creates a challenge (doesn’t know why not),
loathes anguish and self-pity posts, yet…
despite all this he is mostly harmless, if a little loud,
so just ignore.
(If you are so kind hearted that you still feel compelled to feed him,
he enjoys peach cobbler, black coffee, and a happy puppy tale.)
SMACK!
i was itching to crawl out of my skin
the pulsing sting radiated across my back
there was no escape from the searing pain, no relief
feeling trapped in my own body, i simply had to push through the torment
muffling my cries, i took deeper and deeper breaths
until i could pretend it didn't hurt anymore
until i could act like everything was normal
but that lump in my throat was thick and hard
no swallowing allowed, when there are hooks in your back
when you've been set on fire and left to burn
so when i finally retreated from the gaze of unwelcome eyes
i let myself cry
amongst the pain and the terror and the hopelessness,
this was my greatest relief