Take a breath. I am leaving.

I've pondered long and hard over my own self, and my relationship to the lot of you, to my career, to my dear friends and family. I've spent too long a time trying to figure out why I feel outcasted by people who love me, and who I love in return. The conclusion I've reached is that I find it more easy to love you all from a distance. I suspect many of you feel the same way about me.

There are things I want to do, need to do--things I've put off for someone else's sake, time and time again. I'll not put myself off any longer. I'll be back, but only in my own time.

I am all right. I have supplies, money, and a plan. I am leaving by my own free will; I am under no duress, and I've told no one of my location.

I tell you this because I need you not to look for me. Do not file a missing persons report, don't enlist the help of rescue teams or do-gooders wanting to check off their good deed for the season. I don't want to be found. And I think that right now, if you go against this simple wish and look for me, you'll lose me for good.

You'd never find me anyway.

I was standing in the middle of a busy street in 1984, staring at the world through the screen of my smartphone. I had been sent back in time by a group of elite time travelers to observe and report the differences between the past and the present. But something felt off.

I took a picture of a group of people sitting on a bench, laughing and chatting. They looked carefree and happy. But as I zoomed in, I noticed that their clothes were worn and faded, their shoes scuffed and frayed. It was then that I realized the stark contrasts between the past and the present.

In 2023, people had more access to technology, better healthcare, and more opportunities. But in 1984, people had something that we had lost along the way: a sense of community. They knew their neighbors, they helped each other out. They weren't as disconnected as we were.

As the days turned into weeks, I became more and more attached to the people of 1984. I volunteered at a local shelter, helping those less fortunate. I went to concerts and danced with strangers. I felt alive in a way that I had never felt before.

But as my time in the past drew to a close, I knew that I couldn't stay. I had a duty to return to the present and report back on what I had learned. I took one last picture of the city skyline, tears streaming down my face.

As I traveled back to 2023, I thought about what I had learned. The contrasts between the past and the present were vast, but it was the similarities that stuck with me. We were all human, all striving for happiness and connection. It was up to us to bridge the gap between the past and the present, to find a way to bring the sense of community and togetherness of the past into the present.

I vowed to carry that feeling with me, to remember the lessons I had learned. The contrasts between the past and the present may be striking, but it was the connections we made along the way that mattered most.

All I wanted was you.

I tried to pursue,

but I wish I knew

you didn't want me too.

My feelings were true,

but I tried to subdue.

I guess my love was overdue.

Because of me, you flew

far away from me into

the unknown, to something new.

I guess you outgrew

me, and I had no clue.

You faded fast out of view,

and I wish I could just undo

it all now that we're through

and I'm left feeling blue.

i miss being a kid

when my biggest worry was memorizing multiplication

now everything is algebra and calculus

it’s finding the missing part of the equation

because having the answer doesn’t mean anything if

you don’t know how you got it

growing up is learning that one plus one

doesn’t always equal two

it’s coming to the realization that one plus one can

sometimes leave you with less than half

and you’re forced to

find other things to make you whole again

growing up is dreading change

cause somehow you’re the only one stuck in place

observing and recording

how friends slowly become strangers

calculating how long til the next one does the same

i really

miss being a kid

because back then,

everything added and subtracted

like it was supposed to.

How many more times will I have to text my friends long-winded messages filled with “I’m here for you” and “you’re going to be okay” before they don’t believe me? Before my promises that they are enough and that they are such a great friend stop working, before the truth I tell them that they cannot see gets so entangled they start to believe the lies their brains twist it into? I never realized that junior high would be the years where everyone started to break, the cracks and pressure starting to become too much, started to widen into fissures encompassing their very being, the urge to just succumb becoming more and more tempting with each passing day. I never realized that I would be the one frantically trying to mend those broken pieces, to put their crumbling walls back together because I couldn’t stand to lose them. I never thought that I would be one of the last ones standing, the one who managed to pull a shortstop before I went tumbling into the abyss so many of my friends seem to have slid into already. I’ve been told my views of the world are too idealistic, that I want a world that is too perfect to ever exist, but how is it my fault that I don’t want to lose my friends, not for real? Is it too much to ask to want to return the favor to the people that have helped me so much? The idea of teetering on the edge of this abyss so many of my friends have tumbled into all alone is too much to bear, I have to pull them out before it’s too late. I can’t fail. Because I’m afraid that if they leave, if they give up, that I will too, that my resolve will slowly start to crumble and I will become nothing, drawn toward the darkness forevermore because the light finally failed me.

Our world is a ticking time bomb, the date of detonation drawing closer with every stupid thing humans do. Scientists sit; spinning theories and running endless calculations about specific milestones marking the dates that our world will get closer to dying. The day scientists predict we will run out of oil isn’t far off in our future, but I bet a large percentage of our generation didn’t know that. The words endlessly streaming out of the mouths of scientists and politicians are unbeknownst to many of us, the scarring truth not happy enough to penetrate our safe havens of ignorance. We blindly rely on the so-called responsible adults of our world to resolve all the issues we have, their sugar coated promises that everything is going to be okay are slivers of naive hope that we cling to trustingly without a second thought. But what if the scientists, politicians, presidents, the leaders, what if they decide that they’re done? All the work they’ve done trying to stop climate change and fix past human errors, what if they decide it’s pointless to try and correct lifetimes of problems when they won’t be around for the consequences? What if they realize that they won’t be here to see everything go up in flames, so why try to save something destined for destruction, condemned to death from the moment it was touched by human life? Maybe they’ll become as selfish as we all are, stop worrying about the rest of us because they don’t have to. Maybe that will finally be the wake-up call, because apparently melting glaciers, species going extinct, and the looming threat of entire countries going underwater isn’t enough. We can’t sit in our safe bubbles waiting for Prince Charming to rescue us, we have to BE Prince Charming and save ourselves. The world is a selfishplace, and when people realize it, we will know that once the apocalypse begins, once the world begins to collapse, its foundations crumbling from within, once the scientists, politicians, and so-called “saviors” give up on our dying earth, it’ll be everyone fo themselve,s and we will realize that there is truly no one to save us now.

Fuck is a word I say alot, but I don’t mean to. This word is used the most from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. on Monday through Friday at my employer due to the high volume of idiots I’m urged to work alongside of. I didn’t chose this word because it’s my favorite word, I choose it because it’s the word I say the most throughout the day.