I wish I could smash my head

against this wall

enough times

to scramble the memories

Of you and me.

I wish I could

cut into my skin enough

to suppress the pain

you put me through.

I wish I could

peel you off my skin

but your hands are permanently tattooed

on my once smooth skin.

I wish I could forget

all the nights the sun faded

and the monster inside of you

rose.

I wish I could forget

the feeling of

terror seizing

My everything.

My muscles

Numb

My heart

Too terrified to beat

My eyes

Too scared

To shed my fear.

I was a glistening

Statue...

And you a sculptor

chipping into my soul

Like I was yours to own.

I wish I could forget

what you did to me

But instead

I forgot

That You were once

a human I used to love.

I want to be better.

I know that I do.

It's just hard when

The only good thing about me is you.

And I try

But I cry.

And you can't see

The inside of me.

It's messy and violent

It's blacks blues and violets.

It's the walls and the blocks

I see when we talk.

And i trust you. I do.

But if you only saw what I knew.

The hands that have been

The comments from men

The looks from girls

The mess in our world.

You're sunshine and bright.

I'm darkness and night.

So I'm trying to get better.

I've tried medication with dinner

I've tried painting pictures

I've wrote my own scriptures

I've painted my nails

And sailed my own sails.

I've done what I can.

So why can't you see.

You'll always be

the best part of me.

When the sky was darkest in your mind, I was always there to lend a hand, a kiss, an ear. If you needed me I would gladly give my life to you. I loved you that much. So why is it that when I needed you, when I needed someone, you turned a blind eye and let me suffer in silence without a shoulder to cry on or a voice to lull me to sleep? Did you hate me that much? Did you enjoy using me that much? I don't mean to sound awry or angered, in fact I wish to thank you. Because if you han't shown me how litle you cared to support me, I wouldn't have learned how to stand on my own feet. I wouldn't have learned how to deal with heart break or with the endless nights filled with tears. Just because you broke and left me doesn't mean I died.

Maybe I'm afraid that you were simply lonely.

That it had nothing to do with me.

It could've been anyone you got attached to.

Or maybe I'm afraid that I was simply lonely.

That it had nothing to do with you.

It could've been anyone I got so attached to.

And maybe I'm afraid because I'm lonely all over again.

Nobody looks at me like you don't.

I can see it in your gaze;

The love you don't feel for me

Blazes in your eyes

As you turn away.

The words of love

You never speak

Touch my very soul,

As your indifference

Carves your name on my heart

And makes me love you more.

“You’re my angel,” she smiled as he dropped her off.

“I know. Mr Perfect. That’s me.”

His smile was wide but he flinched as the words came out and the dagger like pain scratched across his back.

Another one.

Danny was a hero. A saviour. A people pleaser.

But he wore long sleeves. Always.

He never went swimming or bared his legs.

For then they would see the scars of his deceit.

The cuts of his lies.

He felt it did no harm.

He was perfect in his dealings with them and they all benefitted from his willingness to do good for them.

But he hated it when they said so, for he could not deny their words always. And when he accepted the compliment and agreed with their praise or thanks, his skin split and more scars came.

Of course, he couldn’t tell them about his big secret.

That he lied sometimes. That he gambled. That he drank vodka occasionally and had improper thoughts; even leading him now and then to watch naked bodies intertwined in pornographic scenes.

How could he admit these things?

Nobody could admit to them, he thought.

And Danny was correct.

Nobody could admit to them.

And nobody did.

And they all bore the secret scars

Of their deceit.

The anxiety,

The doubt,

The suffering,

So many misfortunes

You've caused me

All because you love me,

Or so you claim

Just another lie

From your sinful lips,

Designed to break me

Again

I plea like begging when it's due

Make me fall in love with you

Before that which makes it happen

Is long overdue

You know that I have ears and eyes

I am forever looking for that sweet surprise

When someone will give me something so good

I'd never surmise

Don't let me be the one to pick and choose

Don't let me toss the coin of win and lose

Instead this time come up to me

Make me believe it's worth the use

Don't look at me as if I'm within reach

Then walk away, nothing to learn or to teach

Break through those impassable barriers

Make it just us, each to each

I look at love in its summer's calendar grandiose

I wonder when reality will dawn its grandest prose

Mix poetry with it, so come my winter and fall

In the warmest, most welcome pair of arms I will repose