He cared.

He cared enough to ask where she went

To yell

To take her phone

To keep her from the people who would hurt her

To take the car from her

To keep her at home

To leave when he hit her

To watch her from afar

To watch her through the window

To apologize the next morning

To give her flowers

To give her a ring

To tell her he loved her.

No one else had ever cared so much.

"Would you like to do the honours? You used to be a med student, right?"

"Is it scary?" I've heard it is.

"Not really, Or, I don't think so. It doesn't look like it is." The nurse smiles.

"Alright." I pick up the needle. Watch it go in, press, sigh.

Time of death: 9:01

I could say spiders.

Or heights.

Or swamps.

Instead, I'll share my recent discovery of my true greatest fear.

When I was little and depression was only just beginning, I didn't know how to make sense of what was happening.

So instead, I gave that voice in my head a name.

Called it Connie, short for Conscience.

We would talk back and forth day by day.

In a strange way, I knew she was a part of me but instead, she became an imaginary friend for me.

Friend might not be the word for it...

She and I have known each other since those many years ago.

A figure in a black cloak, shrouded in darkness.

I know now that she is me.

I know now that if she rose that hood, it would be my face I see and no one else's.

I always feared that some day, she would come to me, raise the hood off her face and that was the day I would give up on life completely.

I still fear now that I might see her, again.

She was brought to life due to the silly musings if a child that couldn't understand themself.

No matter how grown up or broken I have become, that child is still a part of me.

And so is their fear.

Here's to never seeing her again.

Life isn't the prettiest but I didn't let that voice win then and I certainly won't, now.

We tell people we are fine

That nothing bothers us

We tell them that nothing hurt us

That nothing ever will.

But that is what everyone says

The only acceptable answer.

We can never really know if they are.

But okay is the only think you can.

I can't say anything else

So I say what I can

And I hope that no one can tell

That it isn't true.

I wish I could say

what I really feel.

But I can't

I just can't

I wish I could say that I was angry

That I wanted to do the unbelievable.

That I wanted to do something awfully

unpredictable.

I want to stop speaking in lies

I want to stop murdering my own soul.

I want to make sure they are fine.

But how can I.

"How are you?"

"I'm okay."

The hardest part

was not the silence

rather than a soft thump

nor the absence of movement

instead of a kick

or having to push out

my lifeless second born.

The hardest part

was explaining to

my tearful three year old

why he wasn't going to be

a big brother.

Hold on

Let go

just a little longer

pick a side

hold on

or let go

how can a person

both hold on

and let go?

He took me in

He let me grow,

He helped me

He cared.

He taught me how to fly

He smiled at every achievement.

He gave me grace when no one else would.

He made sure I was happy.

He took my broken pieces,

and he fixed me.

He sewed my heart together

He kept me from falling apart.

He told me what was best

He made sure I understood.

He fed me lies

truths.

His name was Deceit

He told them I was misled.

He twisted my sister

He lied to my brothers.

He sent me away

He said it was for the best.

He ordered me not to return

He told me never to speak to him again.

He told them I was gone.

I was dead.

He recounted an accident.

I had taken a great fall.

I found him again.

I asked

I wanted to know.

"Why did you abandon me?"

His response.

Chilling.

everything undone.

Death would come soon.

"I got everything

I wanted out of you,

I have no use for you.

You only cost me.

You can't sustain me,

You are dead."

When I close my eyes

I wish for you to not be there

And when I open them

The tragedy of ours ends

Because we were right but,

oh so wrong at the same time

Because I gave,

And you just took

So when I close my eyes

And till I open them

The magnet of our hearts

Will no longer have the same match

The goodbye is near

The black hole will open

Are we gonna let it come through?

Or are we fight it?

When I close my eyes

Water's what I perceive

Flowing, rapid rivers

In perfect harmony

When I close my eyes

A distant melody

Starts tugging at the strings

Of my wretched heartbeat

When I close my eyes

I wish to spot the beauty

And part of what is treachery

That makes up my whole world

When I'd have closed my eyes

And taken my last breath

My figure falling slowly

Descending into depth

I'll see the lively waters

I'll feel the tugging strings

I'll hear the good and ugly

Allegro euphony