For the past year and a half I have attempted to prepare and eat "real food" - i.e., no more boxed meals, microwaved bowls, bars on the run, canned chili or soup, etc. Everything has to be made, although the ingredients can be frozen, pre-washed/chopped, or canned so long as they're whole ingredients and not fake/processed copies.

My hunting pattern at the grocery store consists of a wide loop around the outskirts, where the vegetables and meat lay, while avoiding the aisles upon aisles packed with variations of sugar and carbs. After awhile, shopping became less a leisurely, strolling activity and more a covert sting operation, darting in and out with my preset shopping list before dangerous temptations could lure me in.

This felt like a major achievement for me, shifting my dietary habits over and committing to cooking more meals.

Then I signed up for a fitness app paid for by my insurance....

I was tasked to log all my daily meals - not to count the calories, just to keep track of what I ate. I could even just take a picture if I felt too lazy to type details. My meal log would be checked / rated daily by an assigned fitness coach, to offer feedback on my choices.

HA! I thought proudly, I will rock this! And I began to put in my new, healthier meal plans.

I thought.

- There was a donut at work [fun coach tip: you should drink a glass of milk with sweets so the fat in the milk offsets the insulin spike]

- There was a chocolate at work (ok, maybe two....)

- There were several days of drinks, and not just a heart-healthy glass of red wine but a carb-heavy stout or two

- My Jamba Juice extra-protein smoothies were apparently just sugar, with all the nutritional content of the fruits removed beyond what designer whey protein powder could salvage [fun coach tip: nothing besides wheat grass shots is actually healthy at Jamba or any other trendy smoothie shop, you should just make your own smoothies]

- There were lazy pizza nights [fun coach tip: pizza toppings may be healthy but the crust destroys all that, it was recommended to scrape the toppings from one slice onto another and eat fewer slices that way]

- My rice crackers still counted as "carbs"

- There was sugar both in my whole milk AND my peanut butter

After the first month I felt a bit bewildered, but surprisingly I managed to drop a few pounds. Apparently, the little sugar indulgences I had always assumed as harmless actually added up quite a bit. Moreover, checking ingredient packages for sugar, I felt betrayed by the so-called "health foods" I'd snacked on for ages. Protein and cereal bars? Riddled with carbs and sugar - avoid them. Dried fruit/leather? Total sugar with all nutritional fiber content removed, nope. Salads? Rendered completely unhealthy by the sugar-packed dressing packet that made all those near-dead veggies edible. Whole grain? Still a grain - try again.

I ended up finding a few quick fixes that kept my coach happy : cucumber slices with tahin spice, rolled salami pieces with goat cheese, mini bell peppers straight outta the bag instead of crackers. I could eat dark chocolate in small quantities, so I stocked up on healthier trail mix varietals and used those in huge heaps while I fought my sweettooth.

It's still a labor of love, since none of this healthy eating comes with a drive thru or a delivery option. Most requires at least a little prep work, although I've gotten as creative as I can. Social outtings are all BYOD - bring your own diet. And I find myself craving old favorites somedays when the dry rice cracker substitutes just don't cut it.

One thing's for sure though - sugar is everywhere. I look at the grocery store now amazed that I only grew up moderately overweight. How the heck do families on a budget do this? How do you juggle screaming children and not grab a Go-Gurt? How do you find time to cook a meal - without pasta or ketchup - that children will eat after an eight-hour workday? How do you make it through the stress-inducing world we live in and not fall victim to the carefully curated halls of comfort carbs and Coke?

If anyone can answer those questions, you're a public health genius.

For now, I'm planning my next sting operation and might get some camoflauge grocery bags for the hunt.

The fire was blazing, Oggo threw in another stick. Not much firewood i thought. Hope it will last until tomorrow. Not much food either.

Oggo took a burnt stick. He placed his hand on the wall drew his hand by tracing the charcoal along the lines of his fingers.

He then came close to me, and i figured he’s got the beast with two backs on his mind, but i was wrong. He took my hand and pulled me over to the wall, where his hand was. He then took mine, and placed it over his drawing. With new half-burned twig, he traced the lines of my hand, moving between the fingers. The rock felt cold but his dirty hand was warm.

He smiled in satisfaction after it was done and i removed my hand from the wall.

“What was that all about?” I asked.

“Oh, it’s something I’ve been wanting to do all day. It drove me crazy thinking about it..”

“You should not let your mind stray like that outside..”

“I know, i know...dangerous... But i couldn’t help it. And after i came back with the antelope.. Busy...only now we both had the time...”

“Ok, ok...got it...but what is it supposed to be?”

“well...I’m not sure. But we have my hand.. My fingers..and your hand and fingers over them...it is now part if the wall..everytime we come in, we can see it...”

“Ohh...i see...”

“Yes...i think we should do more of these... I think I’m going to call it kissing”

"Oggo, you're so crazy.."

"Tell me that you don't like it. I dare you"

I said nothing. It did look. Funny how a smudge of coal on the wall could mean more, after you talk about it.

After that, we did the beast with two backs, but somehow it was different...very..

After twenty-seven hours of doing all my body physically could to bring you into the world, you were placed in my hands and my whole world changed. I stared at your tiny little face; you looked just like your dad. I couldn't believe how tiny your fingers were, nor how tightly they gripped my pinky. Your eyes were wide open, and you were taking in my face with a focus and stillness I've never known.

I was in awe of you. I couldn't believe you were finally here. I stroked your smooth plump cheeks and rubbed my thumb across your fingers. I was so scared of dropping you, and immediately overcome by the fear of something happening to you.

The nurse came in and scooped you up to make sure you were doing alright. I remember watching her from across the room, my belly sore and aching. I was exhausted beyond belief but my mind was alert and aware of every movement and sound you were making. She brought you back to me and placed you gently in my arms. Within a couple seconds you fell asleep and I sat and stared at you. Marveled at you. I swooped my head down and kissed your chubby little cheek. You smelled warm and sweet, your skin as soft as a peach. The almost ten months of waiting for you was over.

I'll never forget it for as long as I live. My first baby. Our first kiss.

Can any

Body hear me am I

Talking to myself

Chasing chasing running running

Talking to

Myself

Hiding from my thoughts and I am

Talking to myself

Joking with my livelihood I’m

Talking to myself

Exposing my repertoire singing

Tag

You’re it

Tag tag you’re it

Run and tag

You’re it

Talking to my

Self.

I listen to the streets

they have all the right names

at dawn I stand under the lamps

electric mind illuminate me

reveal all the answers I need

blue-ish grey skies part open

the day is welcomed by the warm morning sun

so let's continue to walk and when we reach our destination we will know

life is not about wanting it all

it is about giving it all

Was volunteered to play,

The memorial ceremony,

Was two days away.

I’m at the piano,

Thinking how life’s too bad.

In walks E.. From the seniors.

Everybody knows her, G7 to G12,

Drooling, saying she’s gonna be someone.

What to do when you are faced ,

With the hottest girl in school?

There must be some mistake,

I know she sings, but would she bother?

I feel exposed.

She smiles to me,

Straightens her shirt,

The neckline showing too much goodies.

No, there’s no mistake.

No, it’s really true,

She’s here to sing at the memorial.

She asks my name,

I say ‘piano’ ,

Obviously confused.

She comes close,

leans over my shoulder,

Looks at the chords i scribbled .

She asks me if we can get to work,

Because she has math later.

Oh, to study math..

I start playing and she sings.

She’s not amazing, not close,

But hormones are a perfect equaliser,

When you’re doing Harmony.

As she sings,

I need to slide myself,

Closer to the keyboard,

To hide the bulge that formed.

I imagine things and play,

Finally she catches on,

Just how ‘threatened’

i am.

She doesn’t mind,

Admiration is what she lives on,

She sings and plays with my hair,

My ridiculous jew-fro,

And i doubt very much that ,

I made no mistake, with the chords.

After the service,

And the guys asked me,

How i got to play with her,

I say, idiotically , “practice”.

Play it cool, cause I’m a dork.

For five years I've wondered what my life, our life would look like if I hadn't left. If I hadn't driven away, crying until Memphis. If I just stopped right there and said I'm home.

I have a hard time believing we'd be anything but together. Wasting away on quiet Saturday mornings on the balcony of Square Books, you, with an iced coffee in a mason jar in one hand, a book in the other, reading aloud as I lick the remains of our pastry breakfast from my sunburned lips.

I'd nearly doze to the bass of your familiar voice, the sun dancing on my crossed shins. You'd set your coffee down, rest one chilled palm on my warm leg making me jump awake from my near cat nap.

I don't know what you're reading, but it's my new favorite book.

As is the natural order, books are followed by thrifts and antiques. We are in dire need of nothing and we both know we'll leave empty handed, the only evidence, a few photos of a girl in a floppy easter hat.

The difference between old thrifting and today, however, is that instead of flying ahead of you, awaiting your slow molasses saunter to round the corner, you've slowed me down with you - your baseball mit hand dawrfing mine in a way I've only dreamed about. I'm a little more patient these days - but only slightly.

I'd still scowl at your need to walk every single isle at the grocery store "just in case", when we only need milk. I still grab the expensive brand while you do the math in your head to discover you'd have saved us 7 cents had I been a little more patient.

I'd still sick smack in the middle of the couch, but instead of flinching, you'd lean in and pull me closer to you, calm as a Mississippi sunset.

We'd both get a little drunk on the scent of cedar and flowers dacing between us and around us. But this time, we won't have to wonder where it's from.

Out on the porch, the shadow trees sit black against the cotton candy sky, as we rock back and forth on the porch swing you built with your own hands; my favorite kind of evening that makes me dream of another day exactly like this. The kind where to go home, means a slightly inconvenient commute up a few stairs; where the day ends blanketed by your accent, as you sit watchful over what is yours, what is mine, what is ours.

But the thing is, I cried until Memphis. And even once the tears stopped, I didn't; I kept heading west and you didn't stop me.

Flavor my lips, with a lover’s quarrel

Siphon our bubbles, watch our hearts burden, then burst

And have our dream collect the seams

Feel the demands, of our bodies’ souls inflamed, one with the elements we are, bending fire at will, and within us. Let me bend to you, and bend to me alike, for we talk in emotion. We are fluent there. We are one in emotions.

Here comes the train

Been waiting in vain

Oh, snap~Who do I see?

It’s Chewie!

Hey, there Chewbacca

Is that an alpaca?!

Ah, that’s quite rad

It looks kinda sad-

’’Uuuuuuuuur Ahhhhrmr

Uhrrrr Ahhhhrrrrrr Aaar’’

Eish, yeah so true—

Makes me feel blue.

Rest in peace, Peter Mayhew.

May the Force be with you!

#RestInPeacePeterMayhew

#MayTheForceBeWithYou

#StarWars.

I was born with stardust ingrained in my bones,

And I held a light so dazzling in my soul -

That my mother could not bear to look at me without weeping,

Because she knew the burdens the world would give me.

You were born with strength in your heart,

And a wisdom past your years from your mind -

That your father would not gaze at you without fury,

Because he knew someday you would surpass everyone - even him.

I grew to shine so bright, that galaxies erupted in my stride -

While my mother had her last breath, and said goodbye.

You became a force to be reckoned, conquering any challenge that came -

While your father walked away, without a word, and never returned.

Those were the first of many tragedies we would learn to hold.

We grew to be so great, and the world named us heroes.

I let my light glow so radiant that darkness would not dare to prevail.

And with all your wit and power, you defeated any enemy that threatened the peace.

They cheered for our glory, and gave resentment to our failings.

But no matter what the world felt, we would protect those who needed us -

And they always needed us.

But heroes are not meant to last forever,

Like the stars, I would go supernova in my final blaze of glory.

You would hold the world on your shoulders, till it finally broke you.

Of course we knew our happy endings were never guaranteed -

But that’s the price we paid to save those, who couldn’t save themselves.

The world will remember what we have done for it.

I was a guiding light of hope, designed to keep the shadows at bay,

While you were a beacon of strength, built to defend the innocent.

Our legacies will live on long after we are gone,

And soon our burdens will be passed to a new heart, and a new star.

We will fade, as all heroes eventually do -

But I will never forget how your strength melted to my touch,

And you knew just how to love the darkness in my light.

So let us end as heroes do, fighting with all our might.

And like we have done with everything before,

You and I will do it, together.