Have you ever held a bird in your hand?

Not the ones you can buy at the store,

But the wild ones who have only known sky

And wet dirt from your backyard.

Have you felt their tiny hearts racing?

The sheer panic?

Have you ever said

You should be afraid of me

You should fear death

Your life is in my hands

I can steal the sky and dry out your lands?

Have you ever realized the amount of power you hold?

Even though you would never do these things,

Hurt that bird you’ve admired from afar,

Fed and given shelter to,

Have you at least wanted to?

A bird got caught in my screened in porch

And I spent an hour trying to set it free,

But it kept running into doors and windows

And flying into the corners of the room,

Even though the screen door was wide open

And I begged it to get out,

I begged it to focus, to fight, to escape

So I wouldn’t have to risk its life.

It eventually grew tired, so I grabbed a light towel,

Tried to throw it over the bird as it scurried across the floor

As I have often done,

But every time it would barely escape,

Run to another corner of the room and I would patiently

Follow it.

It got stuck in the process of hiding from me.

I begged it to stop moving,

To give me just one more moment,

But it refused.

I never heard its neck snap, but I saw the blood in its beak.

I held it in my bare hands,

Rubbed its belly and apologized until the tears

Silenced me, my voice ragged.

I sat it in the leaves, thought maybe it’s just stunned,

But its body soon turned cold,

Tightened up and stiffened into rigor mortis.

I buried it under a tree so that when its body

Decayed its nutrients would be memorialized

In its roots, trunk, and leaves.

I never intended to kill the bird

As we often never intend to ruin

The buildings we burn,

And I envy my cat for doing it and making

It look like an art,

But I’m too human and not enough machine.

honey dripped from your

large lips the first time you

said you loved me, but you

hated society, that you hated

that it’s 2019 and we still

can’t be together, because my

family hasn’t lost their ability

to see color, that your deep

brown skin would taint my

terracota kissed body like

spilled ink on a painting.

you walk with a price on

your head, our hands still

entertwined as you dodge

bullets and avoid police because

you still want to come home

to me and.

the news scares me,

but it’s not the reason

i left.

melanin does not equate to love,

especially love lost and.

i left because i can bare my pain,

hear the slurs and jokes people

still make about the people that

made me, my history, my skin,

my culture. i can hear the smashing

of terracotta warriors and the

snapping of jade bracelets and

necklaces in china town. i can

hear the cries that still echo

the streets of hue and saigon.

i can still hear it. i’ve made music

from it in the same way that

every other vietnamese has.

but bullets sound too much

like your heartbeat, a tug in

my chest every time i see you

cry over the skin i fell in love

with. i promised you i would

be strong. strong enough to help

you, but i’m never going to be

strong enough to hold you,

to wear your pain.

#breakup #sad #heartbreak #hurt #imissyiu #imsorry

sometimes i wonder why i chose

my own death, how my pale

hands could willing rip my

flesh apart, watch numbers

fall like leaves to the ground

when hurricane winds trampled

in my hometown.

sometimes i wonder why i didn’t

treat my body as a hometown,

instead treating it like a cage

that held me back from

the life i wanted,

the one where i did not exist.

i rang in the beginning of 2016

with a coctail of iv’s, the bitter taste

of metal in my mouth as the

nurse filled me with saline, because

i was terrified of drinking water,

because i hated the feeling of being

full.

the doctor told me that i was in

the beginning stages of kidney

failure, that if i did not get better,

i was going to die, but i wanted to

die, have the satisfaction of signing

my own casket, ‘love zoe, xoxo’.

my mother told me that i did

not have the right to play god

with my own life, that it was

not my choice to live or die.

i told her that i haven’t been alive

since the rape; that i’ve been barely

hanging on to what he tried to

take from me.

my body cried for the first time in

months, begging for me to stop the

empty feeling, begging to be filled

with something other than

tablespoons of peanut butter

and lays original chips.

i rang in the beginning of 2019

with a coctail of smiles and laughs

from my family and friends as we

celebrate my recovery, celebrate

that i wasn’t part of 20% that

weren’t as fortunate as me.

i’m not part of the 20%.

i will never be part of the 20%.

i am the part of that latter that

survived, that made it to the top,

the ones that danced with the devil

and made it straight out of hell.

#challenge #eatingdisorder #anorexia #bulimia #recovery #closeencounter

it's midnight when i turn on the lamp to finally look at you, to look at myself, see the damage you caused to my body, the bruises and lovemarks that you've left over my hot skin. i cannot meet your eyes; it's like adam and eve seeing each other for the first time — not without clothes, but naked. you've seen me in every way now, legs pressed against chest, head tilted back, your name tattooed on my lips that long for yours. my ocean eyes don't go far in your wooded ones, but i try to see something else other than my reflection in them, a half smile plastered on your face. is it because of me, darling? or is it because you just took the one thing i can never get back. not even god can redeem my wretched soul. and maybe i don't want him to. i never want him to take you from me. me without you, without your touch and breath against my neck, isn't me, it's just a soulless shell, a catalyst for sin and mistake. save me, angel. gaurd me, and i'll do the same; always and forever, without hesitancy or regret. 

#heartbreak #relationship #new

i want to disappear into your skin sometimes, take you all in and allow you to have me as well. i want to break your ribs and make a shelter within them, protecting me from those who have ever trespassed against me and all of those who are making plans to do so. cover me in your blood, angel, make one out of our tears, sweat, voices that echo against my bedrooom walls, pleading for more of you and less of me. shrink me down until i fit in the palm of your hand, crumble me up like a discarded piece of paper and keep me in your jacket pocket until the next time you need to be reminded of home. be my home, angel. keep me close, don't ever let me go, because even if you do, even if you scream and throw pots and pans, set all of my imported cigarettes on fire so i can't go out to smoke every time you lay between my thighs, i will be here, waiting for you with open arms and a gentle smile. i would rather walk through hell with you than explore heaven with anyone else.

i just wanted to announce that i have a wattpad account where i'm slowly publishing my poetry composition.

my username is @LADlSPUTE and the book is titled BLOOM if you would like to check it out!

thanks c:

#poetry #prose #announcement #book

breathe breathe breathe

open your eyes

fuck

open your eyes

it's a hallway

but it's not just a hallway, you know?

there's someone at the end with hungry

hands, ready to hold my heart, clench

it with their dirty fingers.

there's a table with a fruit salad

on it; i told him that i was ready to

do this, swallow my fears one fucking

grape at a time.

i told him that i would stop counting

long enough to hear what lies he has to say.

tap tap tap

scuff

tap

inhale, exhale

the smell of coffee burns my nostrils.

i shouldn't be here with him in his

fucking break room talking about how

we belong together but i'm too fucking

broken to be in love like this.

but i am.

i'm here.

for him.

and i'm going.

one step at a time.

#prosechallenge #love #breakup #healing #eatingdisorder #imgettingbetter #prose #poetry

i look into your eyes like i know what's behind them.

tell you how beautiful they are as if they are something special.

i'll take you out, call you my girl.

i'll laugh at your jokes as if i can actually feel something.

but i don't, sweetheart.

the faster you learn to dig out the happiness from someone's eyes, what little they may have, is the faster that you'll learn that it's all an illusion.

you don't know their thoughts, my darling

or how they spend their nights crying,

begging for your arms to be linked around their waist.

it'll kill them inside when you finally tell them how you really feel.

that it's someone on your mind and in your arms.

i hate to be the one to break your heart, but i can't allow you to break mine. this is the most crucial part in your existance, sweet girl. i am honored to be the one to tear it apart.

#challengeoftheweek #happiness #sadness

i haven't seen you in weeks.

do you remember what i look like?

do you remember my smile and

the way my nose crinkles when i do?

do you remember my favorite shows?

i look different now

(just a small warning);

my eyes have purple bags

held with tight hands

like a young woman

walking through a dark

parking lot at 3am.

my hair is long like

the days i spend holed

up in a classroom with

loud kids, laughing

at something dumb

that someone said.

my eyebrows are thicker

than your laugh when i

say something stupid.

my eyes are tired like

the single mother down

the street supporting her

three kids with minimum

wage.

i look different, but i'm still me.

i'm still your girl.

i'm still yours.

#breakup #heartbreak #imissyou #loss #imokay

“ just sit still and

breathe when i tell

you to , you don’t

want to get this

chlorine stuck in

your lungs ”

&

so i listened as you

drug me down to the

bottom of the swimming

pool in the backyard

you shared with seven other

guys who went to

the same college you did

&

you held my hand

so hard that i thought

you were gonna snap my

wrist

&

my eyes burned so much

when i finally opened

them to see you

smiling across at me

as everyone else

jumped in

&

and they held onto

my ankles and wrists ,

pulling them out of

their sockets and snapping

them like twigs

&

my eyes burned so

much as i looked across

at you , but this time

we weren’t in your

pool , we were in the

guest bedroom of the

house that you shared

with seven other guys who

went to the same college

that you did

&

you were holding the

red solo cup that you

had given to me

earlier , watching

as three of your bestfriends

held me down , dragging me

to the darkest parts of the

pool that seeped into the

mattress i was drowning

on

&

you held my hand

so hard that i thought

my wrist was gonna

snap

&

it did when you didn’t

stop them from taking

what was so sacred

between you and i

BUT

that’s the thing about

swimming in the dark ,

not knowing what lies

beyond

YOU CAN’T

blame anyone but

yourself because

YOU JUMPED INTO THE POOL

#heartache #trauma #painful #memories #poetry #prose