Loneliness is more than just being alone.

Loneliness is sitting in front of your computer, browsing through your old photos and wondering why so many things have changed. Then realizing that you miss him so much. So much that it’s killing you inside, but you can’t do anything but stare on it, because photos are just good old happy memories you can never bring back.

Loneliness is pretending to laugh with your friends, then stopping because you heard his name. And suddenly your soul was in a different place, wondering. The sound of his name brings you back to the coffee shop you used to go to, to that book store he used to buy you books from, and that park where you used to lay down together and share each other's dreams. Then reality will wake you up to remind you that it's over, and you just sip your coffee and fake your smile.

Loneliness is when you wake up at 3 in the morning from your dream that he once again visited. Then tears suddenly flow and your chest suddenly aches. You close your eyes and try to sleep but fear keeps you awake--fear that you might dream of him again. You close your eyes while your tears are falling, wondering when will the pain end, or if it will ever end. Then you wake up with your wet pillow--you cried yourself to sleep. You get up and get another pillow that will catch your tears tonight.

Loneliness is listening to that same old song over and over again, and suddenly breaking into tears. That same old song you used to sing together, where his voice cracks while hitting high notes and you laugh at him. That same old song you both listen to in the car. That same old song you both kept as a secret, because you don't want others to know that it is your song--used to be. Now, listening to it doesn't give you joy, but pain.

Loneliness is staring at a blank space. Thinking of what went wrong, of why do you deserve the pain, of how will you start again. It's consuming you so much that all you wanted was to run away, but you can't. You pity yourself too much that you wish you can just stop existing.

Loneliness is painful, but at the same time addicting.

Loneliness is a choice.