You Can’t Buy Love

I looked up at the sky, getting lost in the gradient of blues. The sky was so bright and clear, while my mind was so dark and cloudy. I heard a phone alert close by. The text notification meant my husband was around. I lowered myself into the water, pushing the raft aside, swimming across the pool.

The warm air hit my face, while hanging on the edge of the pool. I looked up, “Please just spend some time with me. I don’t care if it’s just an hour. You’re never home anymore.”

He stood in the patio doorway, staring down at his phone. I wish he got lost in my eyes the way he gets lost in his phone. I can feel my heart breaking more and more, at least what’s left of it.

He looked up, “oh my god… stop. You act like I don’t do anything for you. I work my ass off for this lifestyle that you clearly indulge yourself in”, Joel complained.

Three years into this marriage and I feel more alone than I ever have. I feel like a beggar , constantly pleading for his attention and affection. I felt my stomach in knots, once I swallowed my false hope.

“It has nothing to do with money, Joel. I’m thankful for what you do, but sometimes I need love from you. When’s the last time you embraced me, sat with me on the couch, laid next to me just to snuggle or have dinner without rushing to pick up the god damn phone? I wish it was only work tying you to your phone, but it’s not. All I wanted was one hour with you, lounging around the pool and maybe even have a conversation for once“, I cried.

The empty expression on his face showed he was unfazed, as if he didn’t hear a word I said. It wasn’t always like this. He use to shower me with love, laughter and everything in between. However, things changed once he became a partner at the most prestigious law firm in this area. Now, it’s all about his job, the money and his partner’s secretary. At least, I’m almost positive he is entertaining the idea of her.

Mariah was anything but average. She maintained her bleach blonde hair that never lacked perfection, big blue eyes and big breasted. She unknowingly flirts with every man she encounters and at the employe Christmas party, she had the attention of every man, as if there wasn’t a wife around. It made me furious!

Joel finally spoke with tension in his voice, “Grow up Alora! Accuse me of going outside this marriage because you’re jealous that I’m appreciated at the firm by everyone… and yes, the women, too. Maybe you should realize that your nagging is what deters me from spending time with you”, he finished with an arrogant smirk.

How did we get here? Joel has no idea nor does he care that I’m lonely. I’m desperate to find love within his chestnut brown eyes, but I see nothing. It’s like I’m looking into two shallow graves, where his love and mine are waiting to be covered by the dirt that signifies our marriage is about to be laid to rest. As I studied his face for any sign of expression, the wind blew his dirty blonde hair around. The strands of his hair danced in the wind, like fire dances as it burns. Joel stood against the door frame, his slender body relaxed. How?

I hopped out of the pool, grabbing my purple beach towel. Wrapping it around myself, I secured the towel against my chest hoping it will not only dry me off, but shield me from feeling more pain, thanks to his selfishness.

I walked over to him and locked my eyes on his, “At one point in time, you were the best person I knew, I swear. I love you, but instead of that love growing, it’s deteriorating. My heart wants me to tell you that I’ll stay in this pool and drown, so I don’t have to watch you leave. However, my head reminds me that I’m already drowning, just not in the pool. I’m drowning in this marriage and I will not let it take me under. I’m done Joel. I don't want a loveless marriage anymore. Money can afford us a big home, expensive cars and stupid things. Money can’t buy companionship, intimacy, love, common decency or quality time. I’m done! I’m so done. You, your job, your side girlfriend or whatever she is, can go to hell. By the way, you left your email open and Franny’s Flowers & Arrangements sent you a receipt for the flowers you bought for Mariah.”

I threw the towel down at his feet and walked away. There’s no price tag on a woman who loved and cared so deeply about her husband... that cannot be bought. Just like the Beatles sang, “Money can’t buy me love.”