Self-Love

Staying.

My mind is a dangerous place. It recycles words of anger spoken by others. It replays my mistakes on a reel, projecting my failures on a screen for my continuous viewing. Reminding me why I am not good enough.

It whispers words of doubt and hate, sinking me to a vulnerable state of self-destruction. A battle ground that is desolate and dark. Waging war on myself without a flag to surrender.

I allowed the negative views of others to penetrate my mind and become my internal voice. It took years to decipher the difference between how I felt about myself versus what I had learned to feel about myself. Seeking validation in others that would only act as a temporary life preserver. No one could come to my rescue because I had buried myself so deep, only I knew where to find me.

Years of tearing myself down drove me further into hiding. Making access even harder. The part of myself that longed for life and self-love had become almost obsolete. The part of me that knew what joy felt like, how to love and live was disappearing and my fight to bring her to the surface was fading.

No one and no things were going to pull me from the rubble. I had to learn to live for me. Reaching my hand through the debris that had piled up through the years and pull until I could breathe.

Loving myself has been the hardest part of my life. I would give it so freely to others. Feeling that my worth was contingent on what I provided those around me, instead of seeing any value in who I am.

The moment I felt like I was no longer contributing I would crumble and find myself once again fighting to stay.

I didn't want to love myself. I became comfortable with the darkness that lingered over me day in and day out. It wasn't until I became a mom that I realized how important establishing a kind and nurturing inner voice was. If not for me, then for my children.

When I softened for them, I found the small child that still lived inside my shell of a body. The one hiding beneath all the anger. Fearful and timid to come out into a world that seemed so cold.

What do you say as a mother to a terrified child that needs someone to protect and love them? "I love you no matter what." When I learned how to unconditionally love like a mother, I learned how to parent my inner child and love her too.

We all have a journey to take within ourselves. Some need to be humbled, some need confidence, others need to believe they matter. But loving myself and choosing to stay was the hardest part of life. Above all the materialistic things. Above all the struggles through relationships and parenting. My hardest battles came from within.