Self-sabotage
I believe that one of the hardest things is overestimating your place in someone else’s life.
At times, I feel a comfort level that allows me to open up to someone, only to find the feeling is not reciprocated. It makes things really awkward, really fast. For me, more often than not, things are never quite the same after my faux pas. I often regret being vulnerable, yet it continues to happen. It makes me want to give up and fully commit to a hermit lifestyle.
In short, one of the hardest things in my life is… me. I routinely make things more difficult than they should be.
Self-Love
Staying.
My mind is a dangerous place. It recycles words of anger spoken by others. It replays my mistakes on a reel, projecting my failures on a screen for my continuous viewing. Reminding me why I am not good enough.
It whispers words of doubt and hate, sinking me to a vulnerable state of self-destruction. A battle ground that is desolate and dark. Waging war on myself without a flag to surrender.
I allowed the negative views of others to penetrate my mind and become my internal voice. It took years to decipher the difference between how I felt about myself versus what I had learned to feel about myself. Seeking validation in others that would only act as a temporary life preserver. No one could come to my rescue because I had buried myself so deep, only I knew where to find me.
Years of tearing myself down drove me further into hiding. Making access even harder. The part of myself that longed for life and self-love had become almost obsolete. The part of me that knew what joy felt like, how to love and live was disappearing and my fight to bring her to the surface was fading.
No one and no things were going to pull me from the rubble. I had to learn to live for me. Reaching my hand through the debris that had piled up through the years and pull until I could breathe.
Loving myself has been the hardest part of my life. I would give it so freely to others. Feeling that my worth was contingent on what I provided those around me, instead of seeing any value in who I am.
The moment I felt like I was no longer contributing I would crumble and find myself once again fighting to stay.
I didn't want to love myself. I became comfortable with the darkness that lingered over me day in and day out. It wasn't until I became a mom that I realized how important establishing a kind and nurturing inner voice was. If not for me, then for my children.
When I softened for them, I found the small child that still lived inside my shell of a body. The one hiding beneath all the anger. Fearful and timid to come out into a world that seemed so cold.
What do you say as a mother to a terrified child that needs someone to protect and love them? "I love you no matter what." When I learned how to unconditionally love like a mother, I learned how to parent my inner child and love her too.
We all have a journey to take within ourselves. Some need to be humbled, some need confidence, others need to believe they matter. But loving myself and choosing to stay was the hardest part of life. Above all the materialistic things. Above all the struggles through relationships and parenting. My hardest battles came from within.
The hardest thing...
The hardest thing about life is realizing that you can take nothing back.
Everything you do is final. Every word. Every action. Every thought.
There are no time machines, there are no "take backs"
If you say something mean, you have said it.
If you do something hurtful, you did it.
And for some odd reason, it is the things that hurt that stay the longest.
Suffering
To suffer is to share an existential experience to be perceived by all humans who chose the journey of the soul on Earth. While suffering is a shared experience, it creates the deepest level of discomfort within the being. These hardships must be faced in order to propel the opportunity of ascending into a higher version of ourselves. This suffering is important in our evolution of learning and shifting, transcending to our next self whatever that may look or feel like. Suffering causes stress, putting the body into a state of dis-ease, we may look at these vibrations and choose to rest in the discomfort. To become diseased. Or we may choose to use our suffering to better ourselves, better the Earth, better all. In betterment I find peace, enjoyment in this existence, understanding purpose with awareness, and aligning with our passions truly. In this betterment I find deeper gratitude for my health, and generate this abundance deep into my being. Suffering is the hardest part of life, but maybe also the most crucial component to awakening. Suffering allows us the chance to slumber through life in pain, or prosper with a shift of perception and intention.
Life Is Hard...
The hardest thing about life to me is a combination of so many things. Our greatest joys can turn to our deepest heartaches. The loss of our loved ones....time goes on but we will always miss them and that absence walks with us like a shadow through our lives but our hearts know in faith we will see them again.
Going through life seeing so many social injustices and the staggering sobering fact that it continues...that the damn battle is still being fought - that is hard. An extremely painful thing is seeing so many people working so hard with an incredible work ethic and unable to catch a break or get ahead. I see families struggling to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. Not a soul should lay down hungry or without a safe place to sleep.
To hear someone, especially a child speak, and be void of hope is heartbreaking. I see elementary kids so hardened by life at such a young age. You see it their eyes. They are carrying adult size problems on a child's shoulders trying to process these harsh issues with a child's mind and a child's reasoning. That is so hard to see - kids should be able to be kids.
We are so blessed to be graced with the gift of life...and each moment we have we should live....not just exist but live. I guess sometimes the hardest part about life is experiencing it. Thank God for his tender mercies and all the precious moments we are graced with...and that he truly goes before us and with us through all things.
The hardest thing about life is remembering all of the things that were better before...
After each wash and dry cycle,
that once soft blanket begins to clump into small sticky broken fibers.
Chocolate ice cream no longer tastes like childhood innocence,
but rather a heartbreak remedy for sad rainy days.
Your favorite pair of shiny shoes that your mom bought you for school,
is packed tightly in a blue bin labeled "Haley 2009".
The tree house that seemed like a palace full of potential when you were younger,
now sits as a tiny shack with spiderwebs and lost memories.
...And so with each passing day we are forced to remember things that were better before. Better before time transformed them into something unrecognizable. And better before you grew too old to realize that these things of youthful innocence have become nothing but a pastime.
