I can see for miles up here

The roof top is warm.  Still radiating the heat of the day.  The humidity is thick causing beads of sweat to streak my Sephora-ed face. Eyeliner and foundation smudged and smeared.

I pour a shot. Fireball, just for you.  I tip it to the sky dark and peppered with starlight and gracefully diving bats.

They glide dangerously close and draw back.  I watch them in awe. Lost in the thoughts of you and your lips against my skin.

Discarding  the tiny glass I turn the bottle up.  Bottoms up I think and cringe at how very fresh your voice seems inside my head. 

I can feel the tears forming. Escaping now. It was only a matter of time.  This dam was barely standing.  Held up by toothpicks and twigs.  And im screaming now.  Drunk and alone. Begging.  God. The Goddess. Any fucking backwoods bayou deity that will hear me. Because I need you.  I need to feel you in my arms again.  I need to feel you breathing against my chest.  Your lips on my neck. I need you inside of me. Your soul colliding with mine in perfect unity. And your hair falling down upon my face as our bodies melt together. I need you.

But its me and this half assed Jim Beam and a half empty pack of smokes. On my back on this rooftop with swooping bats and cicadas singing in the distance.

I will catch your soul in a blue bottle

Wrap it in leather and wool

Bathe myself in your coy fox smile

Feather boa and ruby fur

You have on your black bow tie

Your satin white cuffed shirt

I skip by your shadow in diamonds

Landing swift as you lift up my skirt

Brush my silken neck across your cheek

As you fiddle with your decree

Laugh violently when the stars rain down

As your hand travels up my knee

I always looked at you from the side

Lovingly, adoringly, glancing at you

And hazy through my lashes I saw a halo

Saffron and ivory, you were holy

I'm sure I only ever saw your full face

When I, at last, turned to walk away

And saw clearly curled around your skull

Great horns, now so much like bone

Dipped in thin gilt, you did not know sin

You were always without your share of guilt

You consume me

completely and utterly.

With every kiss,

every touch drenched in hunger,

every look filled with a new desperation

you ignite me

       destroy me

       digest me

Ultimately:

rebuild me

You were as a sickness inside me

Begging to escape

As if you knew you didn't belong

You left me violently, with wretching and sobbing and bursted blood vessels

My body couldn't hold on to you any longer

And you left with the excitement of laughter, screaming to get out, impossible to withhold.

And now I'm sprawled out on the bathroom floor. Exhausted, disgusted, confused.

I'm sick of being sick. And tired of being tired. I'm so scared to be that scared again.

I'll never let you inside me again.

Come back to me.

Return to me with the same ferocity you overwhelmed me with before.

You knocked me to my knees.

I nearly drowned. But I was happy.

I stood back up giggling, desperately trying to reclaim my footing.

Other fish swam by but I ignored them. I was mesmerized.

I let you wash over me.

I learned to expect you as you came and went.

Now I'm dry to the bone. The thirst you put in me you aren't here to quench.

Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.

Come back to me.

Or leave me alone long enough to sink into the grains.

It's late and I'm tired and my eyes are heavy

My body can't take anymore

I close them tight and I try to breathe steady

My mind and my heart are torn

I look at your filthy hands and I see the grime in the cracks

Disgusting. Vermin. You're holding me close.

I'm no more a saint than you are a good man

The only yours, mine and ours, we have is with sin.

I'm better with you than I am without

Like choosing the pan over the fire

I guess I'd rather sizzle than snap

I want my heart back.

Layers of scars splatter across my thighs

Like an abandoned game of pick up sticks with my dry bones

So close to another line I never noticed before

Bold and blue it cries out like a mighty river flowing beneath my skin, begging to be noticed

One step further, one step deeper

One relapse away

I used to wonder--how close from close is too close?

My veins call out the answer: "As close as a razor's edge."