Beautiful dying boy,

Your eyes bellow

Your voice constantly in search,

Your skin reeks of rainstorms

Your scent is a tad dead,

And your body is an anchor

between the living and the lived.

Beautiful dying boy,

I’ve felt your presence amidst funerals,

Inside the heads of people whose art I’m too afraid to touch

And beneath the breaths of those who have sunken somewhere between

fighting and escaping.

Beautiful dying boy,

You lurk between the valves of aching hearts

and a rendezvous of forced smiles

Inside happy pills

And broken whiskey bottles on bathroom floors.

Beautiful dying boy,

I’m tired of you finding me

Like a sonnet in the head of a writer in love

I am tired of your embrace,

On days that are longer

Than the pounding of your fist

against my ribcage.

Beautiful dying boy,

In love with beautiful people.

Beautiful dying people,

Alive amidst the lively

Awake amidst the active

Aware amidst the blissful ignorance.

Beautiful dying people,

Home is far from where our heads take us

Home is far from the feeling of a hug

Home is far from comfort and care,

From security and cherished memories.

Home is now a beautiful dying boy.

~sd| Beautiful dying boy.

I’ve read pages and pages and swallowed countless words of how you describe the way your mind makes you feel.

I’ve sat in silence in darkness in empty halls waiting for you to pass by

To hope for the air around you to show me how you feel ; the air you tell your poems about

The air that’s almost always filled with chemicals and magnetic fields and outstretched arms, clutching soft pillows for you to tell them stories of how happy they make you feel.

I’ve never known how you can handle a relationship like that

I’ve sat behind you, wishing I had your seat.

I want to know what it’s like to live your brain

I want to feel the energy you radiate

And I want to know how you manage to lie, to not tell, to hide, to tell, but not be heard and be fine with it.

How do you wear your sleeves so high up

like you’ve nothing to hide

I see the way your cheeks long for rivers to engulf them, I want to see rivers flow

I want to see you feel like I do

I want you to feel

I want to feel your breath carry heaviness

I want you to see me and know it’s okay to be me

I want you to roll your sleeves down

You told me once that gardens don’t die, but I’ve seen one in front of me that’s never been alive

I know what you want to say

You know what you want to say

So don’t hide behind the ugliness of what they expect you to say

Take my hand and tell me you’re not okay

I need to know if you’re okay.

For once, don’t show,

But tell.

I feel like I’m climbing down a really tall ladder and it doesn’t end. The further down I go, the more I realised I’m withering away but I can’t stop myself. I can settle for nothing now. It just won’t stop. The feeling of wanting but not being able to ask, of crying but no one hearing you, of jumping but never landing, only falling deeper down and of breathing but not wanting to. I’m alive but I don’t feel it thriving amongst my bones or oozing out my skin. I only feel an ache buried somewhere beneath the surface of my skin. I want to switch places. Can I feel like you do for at least a day. I’m running away from the feeling of nothing to pouncing from happy to sad to happy to sad, they don’t want me anymore. I’ve lost to my feelings, I can’t lose to my feelings. I want to feel like I’m breathing without having to struggle for air, without having to struggle for reasons to want to, without having to struggle for you to tell me it’ll be okay.

Dear you,

You’re caving again. And you wish the emptiness inside you wasn’t so comforting at times, because now every time you find a reason to look forward to life, that voice inside you says something is wrong. You feel like the more sadder you get, the more you forget what happiness feels like and the more alien the feeling becomes when it arrives.

You’re tired of fighting for clarity between what’s present and what’s yet to come as if the two are just an illusion you keep forcing yourself to believe until your emptiness gives up and moves away. But, you don’t realise that emptiness has room for everyone. It’s you who chooses to stay and you’re chasing after the feeling like it’s all you’ve ever felt. I’m sorry I’m not there to comfort you and tell you, “You don’t have to hide away. It’s okay to feel that way but it’s not okay to want to keep feeling that way.”

So, I hope this letter does that for you.

You noticed the times I yelled at you to eat your veggies.

You noticed the time I didn't allow you to go out with your friends.

And you noticed the time I was mad at you for not obeying me.

But little one..

You didn't notice me checking up on you at night to see if you're safe.

You didn't notice the pain in my eyes when I saw you ill.

And you most definitely didn't notice how it broke me to not have a conversation with you..

It's because I love you that I have to keep checking you. I just want you to be the best my little one.

This is for those of you who feel like giving up. Don't worry...you'll be fine!

I know it's hard for you to breathe

I know your hurtful wounds are deep

I know you want to cry out loud

Hoping one day your parents will be proud.

I know your sadness has no end

I know your scars are not pretend

I know your thoughts on suicide

But trust me, one day you'll be alright.

Now, I know your friends have betrayed you

I know you're lost, afraid of people, afraid of you

I know you're trying but it's just too hard

I know you're on the verge of giving up

I know your scared of the dark

I know your waiting for your spark

I know you're lonely, I feel your pain

But darling, there isn't just sunlight, there's also rain.

I know you're worried about your future

I know you're a timid little creature

I know your love life is a big mess

But I know you'll grow up to be the best.

So embrace the ups as well as the downs

Feel it run deep into your veins

I know you want to cross the line

Don't give up darling, you'll be fine.

***********************************

Little Elijah

Born on the roads

Ate with the street dogs

As his parents were no more

Grew up alone

With nothing but skimpy clothes

His hair a messy brown

His eyes as dull as his skies

Alone was he,

In this world of riches and fame

For to Elijah

Life was nothing but a game

A game in which he was just an observer from a distance and not a participant.

On one gloomy day,

As the clouds began to cry

Elijah scampered around to find shelter

Somewhere safe and somewhere dry

He rushed along a lonely alley

And bumped into a lady

His eyes gave her an apologetic look

But her eyes only revealed anger

Before Elijah could say anything else

She pushed him hard on his chest

He fell backwards as the lady hurried along

Never to look back again.

The next day as Elijah strolled around the same alley

The lady appeared once again.

This time she carried a smile

And waved towards him.

Elijah was surprised but waved back at her.

"Let me end your suffering" she said.

"What do you mean miss?" Asked Elijah, eager to know what she meant by that.

"Come home with me, I'll take care of you"

And that's when his nightmare began..

Elijah was treated like no human should ever be treated.

He was her slave...that's what she would address him as, every time she welcomed a guest to her mansion of a house.

Elijah was as innocent as the precious buds that bloomed into flowers of perfection.

And so he stayed as he got scraps of food she would heartlessly throw at him.

He stayed because he did not have a choice...

He went through things not even a criminal should have to go through. But through it all, Elijah, the slave was loyal to his mistress.

And then came Friday...

It was a beautiful day...the sun had been smiling down on every little thing and the birds kept singing like never before.

Elijah was in his room when he heard the door slowly open. It gave out a loud creaking noise.

He was on his knees, washing the floor when he a heard a creek of the door.

He looked up to see his mistress.

She locked the door and walked up to him with a nasty smile.

He knelt before her as he greeted her.

She bent down slowly and gently brushed his hair.

Elijah quickly jumped up and moved a step back.

She walked up towards him and moved her hands down his shirt.

Poor Elijah was clueless as to what she was doing to him.

She slowly unbuttoned his shirt and hers too.

She pressed her fingers against his lips.

"Shhhh" she whispered as she began to kiss him.

After that day, Elijah was no more Elijah.

He felt a part of his innocence had been snatched away from him without his permission.

He was always cowering like a child afraid of the monsters under her bed.

Hiding from his mistress who kept forcing him to sin with her over and over again.

He couldn't take it.

He didn't want to surrender so easily..

But finally he did.

It was midnight when his mistress entered the basement which was also his room. She was eager to touch him and wasn't willing to control herself.

She entered the room and found Elijah dangling from the ceiling like a puppet.

His eyes were shut and a thick rope was wrapped tightly around his neck.

He was no more...

As Elijah left this wretched world, he faded into a bright white light, hoping it was heaven waiting for him...

He was eagerly waiting to finally be at peace!

-------X-------

This one is for those people- be it girls or boys who I'm sure, have gone through this situation in their life.

I wish the world would be a better place...

*************************************