The silence is deafening sometimes. Your brain is screaming, pacing back and forth. Your mouth doesn't move. You stay quiet. You sit on your bed covered by a thick layer. The room is quiet, the house is quiet and you realize how alone you are. The silence is peaceful but at the same time it makes you want to just yell until all the air dissipates from your lungs. Just to hear something, anything other than the demons inside of you. They get so loud sometimes, they tell you that you aren't good enough, that you'll never go anywhere in this lifetime, never be productive. They tell you how ugly you are, how fat, how useless. Your brain has been taken over by a parasite. A parasite with no cure. You pop antidepressants like they are oxy. Your brain shuts down every night at four in the morning, and you wake up at noon. It never stops, the panic, the tortuous thinking. It hits you like a recklessly moving car with a drunk driver behind the wheel. It hits you and the world stops. The words don't leave your mouth but the words never stop in your brain. The silence is deafening.

I was walking outside tonight.

Tear drops were falling from the sky. It's so dark, so black and somber. I had no choice but to think it was sad, lonely just like me. I hate rain, I hate how cold and foreign it feels when it hits my skin.

For the first time in a long time, I just stood outside and let it fall around me, spatter on my face as I stared upward. I felt like I could relate to it, the sky is sad and so am I. It felt good for once, my face was hot, burning like the anxiety rolling inside of me like a forest fire. It was peaceful. The sound of the world falling around me. The sound of the sky hitting the earth. I could have stayed there forever, just thinking about life, about the past, about who I used to be. I am a shell, an empty vessel for a soul that is tired. I am tired, I am weak, I am sad. Sadness is a cancer, a cancer of the mind. It eats away at itself, slowly deteriorating, no antibodies to fight it. I was walking in the rain, and I wanted to run. I wanted to run away from all of it but I didn't, I stood still and stared. That's what it feels like, sadness just makes you stand still while time passes you by. There's nothing you can do about it, the minutes that pass begin to feel like years. I walked in the rain tonight and realized, I was sad. I am sadness built up, pretending to be a human being.