Hatshepsut and Fu Manchu

I really want a beard. Now, anyone who doesn’t know me will think that is a perfectly normal desire and that with enough patience, I can have a perfectly beautiful beard. But, those who know me will remember one crucial fact and make that “what the...” face - I am female. Aye, it is true, I am cursed with chin follicles that will not grow hair. I know that doesn’t seem like a curse, but I would love to have a luscious beard for just one day. I’d stroke it like a cat, and get shit stuck it, and tickle people when they hug me. If you’re wondering why in the heck any female would want the experience of a beard, you clearly missed the title there, sir/ma’am.

I have been in love with history since maybe first or second grade. I really loved Egyptians for a very long time. Specifically, you guessed it, King Tut. I’d love to be kidding, but I’m not. I loved King Tut so I immersed myself in Egpytian mythology and the pharoahs, leading me to Queen Hatshepsut and her fantastically fake beard. She wore the beard and the pants and ruled Egypt with an iron fist. Or maybe she did. I haven’t read up on Hatshepsut since third grade, because I was a kid of many tastes, and I quickly went from Egpyt to China, where I fell in love iwth Confucius who had two things going for him, his eyebrows and his beard. So, obviously, I wanted a beard like his, but less shaggy and more, well, Fu Manchu.

Come to think if it, most of the guys (and some gals) in history that I like had some sort of facial hair that was cool. Frida Kahlo and her mustache (Oh, come on, everyone saw it! That eyebrow may have caught your attention but that mustache was still down there). Redbeard and his fantastically shaggy red beard. Salvador Dali and his pretty famous mustache. The list literally just continues. So yeah, I’m a woman who wants a beard. Got a problem with it? Fight me!