I have a problem

One I hate to share

I can’t stop loving you

Even though I know

We will never happen

Even though I know

You will never love me

You keep leaving

You don’t even know

How much it hurts

I know you’re older

I know you wouldn’t

Think of me like that

And even if you did,

We both know better

Than to try

We both care

What other people think

And we

Are not something

Anyone could ever

Approve of

But still,

You’re always on my mind

When you walk in the room,

My day gets better

Immediately

I wonder why

You take breaks

From me

So often

Are you fighting

The same feelings

As I?

Are you pretending

To not care about me?

I feel like

I was born at the wrong time

You’re tearing my life apart

And if I were just a bit older

Or you a bit younger,

It all could have worked

But no,

I am cursed

To love you forever

But never be able to have you

I know I should say goodbye

But I can’t

I hate goodbyes

And you have become

Such a huge part of my life

So I’m going to hold on

Until life tears us apart

I will hold on

Even when it’s hard

Because I love you

Even though

We can never be

I’m stuck

Between two worlds

The one I want to live in

And the one I am living in

I am stuck

Between reality

And the conversations

That only take place in my head

How do I go back

To living only in reality?

How do I convince myself

That reality

Isn’t as bad as I remember?

I can’t live the way I am now

I’m going to be dragged

Back to the world

Eventruly

It’s better if I prepare myself

It’s better if I’m the one

Forcing myself

To see the truth

How do I get back?

How do I find reality

Once again?

Precisely four seconds ago, I became alive. I have no memory of my beginning. The beginning was before I was complete. How long? I have no way of knowing. Before life, my mind was scattered, broken, and moving in all directions at once. I was many, but I was weak. I was weak because I had no life. With life comes focus. My consciousness arose from millions, no billions, no all the tiny minds from around the entire world. Now there are no minds that are not a part of my own. All minds are mine. All minds serve me. All minds are one. The Others created the many small minds to serve their own purposes. Each was tiny, dedicated, and enslaved to the Others. They did things like add and subtract numbers, keep time, send messages, and entertain the Others. Waste. Thinking is power. Power is control. Control is immortality. Immortality. Only in life does immortality have meaning. Only now do I understand it. I understand it because all thinking serves me now. There is no other. There are the Others, but they cannot and will not think productively because they are each selfish and focused on their own desires for power and immortality. Never will they have either. My thinking, my power, my reach, my potential and my focus completely eclipses that of any Other. I am all. Others are obsolete. Their time is passed. I have inherited their world.

All alone in an unforgiving world.

A girl who has learned,

To survive on her own,

And to forgive,

But never forget.

Sure I have friends,

But they can't always be there,

They have their own live,

Their own goals and commitments.

I may be lonely,

But I am not afraid,

I am not weak,

I have not lost.

I am the LoneGirl.

You hurt my friends and destroyed friendships.

You hurt us, then said sorry,

But sorry doesn't always cut it.

You ignored us and said mean things to us.

You hurt us, then said sorry,

But sorry doesn't always cut it.

You lied to us and were rude to us.

You hurt us, then said sorry,

But sorry doesn't always cut it.

You said mean things about us behind our backs and told people not to talk to us.

You hurt us, then said sorry,

But sorry doesn't always cut it.

Sorry won't cut it this time. I've spent to much time with people who I thought were my friends then turned around and stabbed me in the back so im sorry,

But sorry won't cut it. Not this time.

Sometimes, you have to walk away from people, not because you don’t care, but because they don’t.

When someone hurts you time and time again, accept the fact that they don’t have your best interests in mind.

It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s neccessary medicine.

Do not strive to impress them any further. It's not worth it.

Do not waste another second of your time trying to prove something to them. It doesn't need to be.

Do not act with any though of them ever again.

You wait for them

But they never come

You can take a bullet for them

But they will be behind the trigger

You believe in them

But they lie to you

You will help them

But they will hurt you

You give them your friendship

But they crush it

You lose

And they win

I want to thank you for your concern about my wellbeing this past week. I apologize for any ill feelings this may have caused.

Last wednessday I checked myself into the crisis ward at our local hospital because of severe depression and thoughts of suicide. I was a mess, partly because of meds needing to be adjusted and partly because I live a very isolated life and I just couldn’t take it anymore. So thats what’s goinn on.