Behind each smile

And slightly north

There lies a mind

In which thoughts lurk

Secrets, feelings, pain and joy

Love me, kill me, let me cry

The face is a symbol, a placeholder

Beneath which lies a complex life

"You're so well dressed!" 

But I'm depressed

"Smile wide!"

I'm scared to die

"Say cheese on three!"

I'm smoking weed

I don't believe

Or trust in God

The photograph is a facade 

You asked me, once

What it was

That made me feel

The presence of God

For you, you said 

It was the wind

And the stars above

Magnificent

As for me, 

I find it's when

I see a glimpse

Of His great plan

Or a sliver of perfection

Tiny miracles

Forging connections

A revelation

In my mind

Of symbolism

In real life

An overwhelming

Joy and peace

At details that

Create a personality

This moment was 

Meant to be

I feel it from

My head to feet

Reverberating

Through my body

Despite the pain of

A throbbing wound

I'm overjoyed when

Something bad

Brings something good

When something seems 

Impossible

That's when I see Him the most

The world is intricate,

Much like a clock

Many yarns wind

In between 

People and places

Temptations and dreams

Now and again

I see the proof

That He's the one

Who weaves the string

And is the force that makes

Every gear move

Dwelling on mistakes 

Is like cursing the earthquake

That toppled your house of cards

Instead of taking time to remake

The design so that next time

It will stand, but no

I'd rather sit around and complain

Crying and whining 

"Why didn't I do it this way?

It's too late, but in my mourning

And my resulting haste

I build the next one just the same

And then never fail to be surprised

When I'm returned to crying

Because another earthquake 

Has laid bare all my mistakes

My feet are too big

Wide, women's, size 9 1/2

It's not what you think

I'm comfortable with my body,

My size, my shape, my feet

But today they just seem too big

Because I feel so small

I feel like a child

Whose done something wrong

Lying and hiding from mother and father

Though it shows on my face

I'm a terrible daughter

I'd like to shrink into a ball

And forget I exist

Float away from this tethering consciousness

Be like a small little mouse

All alone in a sea

Of people who don't know or care about me

After all, you can't let down a stranger

You can't disappoint, or hurt, or betray

Someone you've never met

But I'm here, in the flesh 

Though I can't meet your eyes

I'm afraid you'll peer through me

And unmask my disguise

I want to protect you 

From what I harbor inside

For if you knew the truth 

Of the thoughts in my mind...

You'd be thoroughly disgusted

And never look at me the same

I'm sorry. That's really all I have to say

But that wouldn't change

What you would think of me

Or how I would cause you pain

You really deserve

Much better than me

There are billions of other

Fish in the sea

It just so happens

I'm the selfish type

You should be running away

But in ignorance you stay

And I can't tell the truth

For if you ever left

My fragile heart would break

I'm really no different

From the villain in your story

We're cut from the same cloth

Again, I am truly sorry.

"Pointless tears" they tell me

As my heart is ripped to shreds

Inspiring my will to live 

To slowly leave my body

I suppose that is the danger

Of sharing my soul with people

Giving them the opportunity 

To see the depths of my character, the essence of my person

And to tell me at my deepest level

I am childish and stupid

But of course the only one 

Whose ever told me that is yours truly

Me

And all the negativity

Comes from people's reactions

And the way I perceive them

All my idealism, cynicism, and paranoia

Have left me begging on my knees for mercy

From the imaginary criticism of everyone surrounding me

I'm either lacking a self esteem

Or my ego's overgrown

For reasons unbeknownst to me

I have no in-between 

Either arrogance or self hate

There is no middle ground and no happy medium

I am never satisfied

Not with friendship, not with life

Why can't I be content?

I don't even know what it is I want or what I think I need

But something's missing, unless I'm imagining that too

And mistaking for righteous searching

What can only be called greed

What on earth is wrong with me?

The doctors say its my endocrinology

My parents say its my lack of maturity

The psychologist blames my attitude

And the pastor says I'm missing God

But how can that be?

We hold daily conversations

Although they seem rather one-sided

When I can't hear the reply

And I feel empty and lonely

But a friend is not enough

I crave something more intimate

Someone who knows my heart inside and out

And who will never abandon me

Or be too busy with someone else

The pastor nudges me and says,

"You know, God is all those things."

So I've heard, and so I've learned

But the question is,

Do I believe in Him?

How can you prove that someone's safe to lean on

That they're walking by your side and working in your life

When you can't touch or see them?

I can't talk to God like a man

But I can't tale to a man like he's God

For that's the quickest path to disappointment

And disappointment is a dreadful thing

Obsession with anything less than perfection

Obsession with anything not omnipotent and omnipresent

Can't possibly be satisfying

Idols are self destructive to the worshipper

Yet I continue to be drawn to them

Ride a high of unreturned obsession

Until it crashes, ending in depression

And perfectly avoidable, pointless tears

I'm tired of standing in the rain

I'm tired of feeling only pain

And I'm tired of hoping for change 

When all that I see 

Is more of the same

I'm tired of attending practice 

Rehearsing verses for a concert 

That never seems to have an impact

I'm just so tired of being sad

I wouldn't call myself depressed

I know the feeling; it's slightly different

But I feel like everything bringing me joy

Is fleeting and of no importance

Little moments here and there

"I'm so proud of you" "I'll always be there"

A warm feeling of inclusion

Or standing by a resolution

Proving trustworthy to those

Entrusting you with their heart's woes

Releasing all bottled up thoughts 

To someone who won't let you fall

The kiss of sweet and warming spring

The sound of songbirds as they sing

The veins that run throughout the leaves

The swaying of the budding trees

Discovering things about someone new

Knowing of something bigger than you

Finding something that you're good at

Being told your instinct was correct

Predicting what someone else will do

Because you know them as well as they do

These are the things that get me through

But then there's the voice at the back of my mind

"These don't last and people die

Look at the truth, the bigger picture

You've got struggles; you've got troubles

There's no way that you'll survive

Much less your loved ones

Some will die

Some do not have 

Eternal life"

And here I stand under the rain

Depressed again

I must break this chain

Sorrowful yet still rejoicing

My sugar, it's low

But do I trust this to be glucose?

What if it's just artificial Sweet'N Low? 

I am not easily offended

However

There is one thing I need to mention

That really needs to change

Because I'm between 13 and 20

All of my problems have suddenly

Become not worth being taken seriously

And if I try to express how I feel

I'm a cheesy, angsty, emo girl

A stereotypical drama queen

Way out of touch with reality

All my emotions can just be ignored

"It's hormones; this wouldn't happen if you slept more."

You think all of my problems

Are made up inside my head

Maybe that's somewhat true,

But understand I'm still in pain

I cannot just "suck it up"

I am suffering from the condition of

Emotional phantom limb

But still, I think the worst part is

Sometimes I wonder if I am

Stupid for caring about something

Do you know what?

I don't need proof

I'm not in court

Here's the deal, plain and simple

If I feel it, then it's real

I think we should start with the definition of "average." Average is the rule. The majority. Average does not exist without a group where a pattern of common characteristics can emerge. When looking outward, we can easily identify who is average in the context of the group. However, we all live as individuals. When self evaluating, and looking inward, we see only our own differences and traits and often lack a true sense of the group. From there, I'd wager most of the time your answer depends on your level of self esteem instead of true self-awareness. 

Average is also synonymous with normal. As contradictory as it may seem, a part of being normal or average is being unique from other humans. Taking this simple fact into account, it is safe to assume that most of us are above average in some facet of our lives. 

Why do winners wither, watchmen waiver, workers weaken, worship worsen? Why would women welcome witless witnesses with whimsical wants when wisdom and warmth were within walking width? Why wake when wonders wait in wonderland? Why wonder when wisdom's woven web is wider than wits? Why do wild wolves whine? Why will witches with warts withdraw to the woods? Why must wretched widowers and widows wail and want? Why do wires warm with watts? Why don't worms work with wormholes? Why is white worse than whole wheat? Why is water wet? Aren't wishing wells witchcraft? Would you wish for water in a wishing well? Why is Wednesday in the work week? Why do warriors weather weight and want and wars? Where were warnings when we're wrapped in want and wrath?  Why do water waves wreck wonders which were worked for? Why would woodpeckers wander in winter without watching for wildebeests and wallabies? Why does waste not want not work? Why not water wreathes with walnuts, watermelon, and watercress? Why not wear a whale watch in a winter warehouse? Woe to we who writhe with worse woes than with a writing witness. Why wink and wave when what you want is to wallow and whine with white wine? Why not write your whispers on the whiteboard? Why not whip your walker and be whisked away? Why worry?