To The Love of My Life,

It is currently 11:42pm on February 11th. You just texted me and told me you needed space for the night. I’m not going to lie to you, it kind of stings, but i get it. Sometimes we need to be alone with our thoughts to fully understand the weight of a situation. We need to think through things by ourselves. The past 72 hours have been rough for us. I know that is mostly my fault. Sorry doesn't even begin to describe what I feel. All i have ever wanted was to bring you happiness. All I have ever wanted was to love and support you. I know we got a late start, I know that is also my fault. When you met me i was lost. I was in an unhappy relationship with a person I now know was cheating on me. I had not come to terms with who I was. I was lost and desperately searching for salvation. You. You turned out to be just that to me. I craved you. Your smile and your laugh. I craved hearing you say my name. The way I got butterflies when our hands brushed or when we made eye contact. Slowly I started to realize that was how love was suppose to feel. I was suppose to get excited when someone spoke your name. 2:15 came to be my favorite time, not because school was over, but because it meant I got to see you.

      You showed me what real love was. Love wasn’t cuddling and sex. Love wasn’t buying each other expensive things. Love is a look. Love is offering to carry my bag. Love is making me laugh until I cry. Love is staying even when I yell at you to go. I remember the exact moment I knew I loved you. We were in the locker room one day after practice. It was just the two of us. I knew you loved me. I knew I had feeling for you but I didn’t know what to label them yet. I sat on the bench in the locker room, one leg on each side, and I put my head down in my hands. I let out a sigh and tried to pull myself together. Before I even started you were sitting behind me. You wrapped your arms around me and held me close to you. For the first time in my entire life I felt safe. I could breath. I was finally home. It was in that moment that I knew what to call feeling that had been swirling around in my head, unnamed. That feeling was called love. Looking back now I should have left him. It is one of my biggest regrets in life. I wasted months on him that I could have been investing into a fresh start with you; someone who truly loved me.

I can not put into words how much I love you. How much happiness you deserve. How amazing you are. I have said this before and I will say it again, you saved me. I was drowning. I was in a dark forest with no light. I was skydiving without a parachute, falling mindlessly just waiting to hit the ground. But you found me. You were my life preserver, my flashlight, my parachute. Just when I had given up hope, I looked up and saw you. You had your hand reaching for me. Your eyes begged me to take it. So I did. You saved me from myself, from all the cruel things I called myself. You truly are my superman.

     That was only the beginning of our journey. Months later I found myself searching for you. He had dumped me and all I wanted was you. Your kind eyes and warm smile. I wanted to feel your arms wrapped around me. I wanted to feel safe again, to be home. But you had moved on. I was no longer the one you smiled at, the one you tried to make laugh. I honestly thought I had lost you. And it was earth shattering. I have a little secret to tell you. Everyone thinks I was so sad and messed up after my relationship with him because I missed him. And I will admit that a small part of me was sad because of him. But most of me was sad because I thought I lost you. I thought I lost my chance with you. That I had waited to long. I wasn’t grieving over my relationship with him, I was grieving over my lost chance with you.

     Then came the day I had been praying for for months. Although the start to our relationship was rocky, on November 17th 2016 I had the most stressful 2 hours of my life. We both wanted to be together, I just wanted to make sure I was what you wanted. I remember dropping you off at you house and telling you I would pick you up in 2 hours to go to softball practice. You walked into your house and I knew. In that moment I knew I couldn't sleep another night not being yours. So I drove to the store and bought a dozen roses. I grabbed gummy bears because you have mentioned you were craving them. I ran home to change and get my bag for practice. On my way back to your house I grabbed you a drink for Dunkin that I knew you liked. I remember through all of this I kept wondering what would happen if you said no. I would have been heart broken. I pulled into your driveway and texted you I was there. It was dark out so i arranged the flowers and the candy on my passenger seat. In reality you took no more than 5 minutes to come outside, but it felt like a decade. My hands were shaking by the time you got into the car. I had my flashlight on so you could see the stuff of my seat. You opened the door and looked down. You picked up the flowers and smiled at me. It was the most beautiful smile I have ever seen; It warmed my soul. I held up the candy and the drink silently showing you that there was more. You cupped your hand on my face and kissed me. It was a short kiss but I remember feeling an electric shock. It was slow and gentle. You pulled back but not far. Your lips were mere inches from mine and we both smiled. Finally I pulled back, took your hand, and said “Will you go out with?” You quietly said yes and kissed me again.

     The rest of that night is kind of a blur to me. I know I was freaking out the rest of the way to practice but in my head the rest of the night was filled with smiles and stolen glances at each other. That was the best day of my life. I was hit with a wave of relief. You had said yes, I was yours. I have no words that can explain the type to bliss I was feeling.

Over the next few months I found out it was possible to fall for you even more. With every kind word, every warming smile, every cheerful laugh, i fell more in love with you. In our short time together we have had so many adventures. From walking around target and messing with the Darth Vader figures, to getting caught by the cops. And every adventure in between. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Our burger King date. The night we sat at the little Chinese takeout place and had a little dinner. Going into IGA and buying power aid just because we wanted Reanna to see us happy. Cuddling for hours in my bed. Going to my sisters house. Hanging out with your basketball team. The list goes on and on.

      I have loved every minute of this wild ride with you, and my hope is that this is just the beginning. I want forever with you. I want the house. The kids. The backyard. The pool. The swing set. The pets. I want it all with you. I want Christmas morning. I want to scoop Avery up and watch her small eyes widen with excitement. I want to make a big breakfast as you and her play with all her new toys. I want to cuddle up on the couch with you and our beautiful daughter. I want to go to tee ball games and piano recitals. I want to watch our little princess play basketball. I want to hear her sing at the top of her lungs to the radio in the car. (I did that when I was little) I want to see her grow up. I want her. I want Avery. Our daughter.

I know we have had our ups and our downs. I know this has never been perfect. But to me it's perfectly imperfect. Perfect couples, perfect relationships, they aren't real. What we have, is real. It's worth fighting for. The kind of love we have. It's worth all the ups and downs. I truly believe I was put on this planet to love you. So that is exactly what I will do.

     I know you want to take a break. And I'm not going to lie to you that is the last thing I want. But i want to make you happy. That is all i have ever wanted to do. So if being with me, if it isn't making you happy anymore, I guess I have to let you go. What I’m trying to say is I love you, in a way I never thought was possible to love someone. I love you with every part of my soul and body. I love you more then I can ever express. So please, if I make you happy, stay. Stay and be my haderdis (I don’t know how to spell it) passenger. Stay and let's focus on the good. Focus on loving each other. Focus on learning to compromise, Focus on making each other happy.

     It's currently 1:19am on February 12th. I'm going to go to sleep soon and when I wake up I find out if I lost the most important thing to me. I close my eyes and pray to God that tomorrow night when I go to sleep, I'm still yours. 

It’s funny how fast a person can forget what happiness feels like.

At some point in life, a person's world will be turned upside down.

The ground under their feet will open up

they will fall into a dark, cold void

The person then has to find the strength to climb out.

For the lucky ones this will take days or weeks

For those that are destined to struggle and be punished it can take months or even years to find a reason to climb out of the hole.

And for the really messed up ones,

they never found a way out of the hole of despair.

      Amber found herself lying on a cold cement ground unaware of where she was or how she had gotten there. The only light source came from a small flickering bulb on the far side of the room. It only illuminated a small corner of the large space and Amber found it difficult to see. She stayed on the ground, waiting for her eyes to adjust to the darkness. Minutes went by and she was still trapped in a foggy gloom that only allowed her to see faint silhouette. Slowly she stood up, brushed a thin layer of dirt off of her worn jeans and felt around until she bumped into a wall. From what Amber could tell, the room was littered with boxes or maybe crates.

     “Hello” She said into the seemingly empty room. “Is anyone here?”

     When there was no answer she followed the wall towards the light. The sound of metal scraping against concrete made her stop in her tracks. A chill ran down Amber’s spine as a chair, containing someone, was dragged into the small patch of light by a large man. She quickly ducked behind a wooden crate and peeked over the side.

     The man looked to be over six feet tall and had an athletic build. Amber could see a tattoo on each of his forearms. She could make out a crescent moon on the right one and a sun on the left. The man put the chair in the middle of the lighted space and walked away murmuring to himself.

     The person in the chair was facing away from Amber and she studied them from a distance. It was apparent that the person was unconscious. It was clearly a young woman, no older than twenty-five. She was gagged and her wrists were bound to the arms of the chair with clear zip ties that dug into her skin. Her shoulder length, strawberry blond hair complemented her porcelain skin. Amber imagined she was a beautiful woman. The type of girl that got all the guys in high school. She was dressed in a flimsy tank top and athletic shorts. Her feet were bare and legs were littered with dark purple bruises.

     Something about this woman struck Amber as familiar and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t shake the unnerving feeling that was building in the pit of her stomach.

     Amber carefully moved towards the woman, keeping one hand on the wall. As she circled towards the front of the woman, Amber’s heart stopped. It was in that moment that she realized why the woman seemed so familiar. The woman’s heart shaped face and full lips were a common sight for Amber.

     “Lily!” Amber yelled reaching for her older sister. Just before Amber reached the chair she was grabbed from behind. “Let go of me! Who are you? What do you want with my sister?” Amber’s attacker, obviously a man, was refusing to answer any of her questions.

     Amber looked at Lily again. Her arms were covered in deep, thin cuts that had yet to heal. Lily’s face was covered in bruises that were more yellow then purple. Blood dripped down from Lily’s temple.

     The room was suddenly dimly lit. A spot light hovered over Lily. A new figured walked into the room, although he stayed in the shadows. He seemed to be slim and lanky.

     “This is all your fault Amber. You put her in danger.” The figure’s voice boomed through the concrete room.

     Before Amber could respond, a hand clamped over her mouth. She glanced over at Lily to see that she was conscious. Her eyes were wide and filled with terror. Lily tried to scream when she noticed Amber. A different man in a red beanie stepped in front of Lily with a long, thin knife. Amber tried to lunge forward but was held back by the man with the tattoos.

     The man in the red hat held the knife at Lily’s throat. Before anything further could happen Amber woke up breathing heavy. Her palms were sweaty and her heart hammered in her chest. She looked around her room, confused by the nightmare that she had just been pulled out of.

The unnerving silence

You see people's lips move but you don’t hear a sound

You can feel all of the emotions building up inside

The hatred. The sadness. The frustrations

They all run through your veins

Tears start to blur your vision and you bite your lip trying to cause physical pain that will distract you from the emotional

You curl into a ball hoping that if you make yourself small enough you might disappear

Pressure builds up in your lungs as you hold back screams

Your throat tightens as you resist the urge to fall apart.

You try to breath but it was in that moment that you lose the fight

Silent sobs overtake you

You curse his name

You wonder how anyone that can bring you this much pain ever brought you happiness

You lay in a heap in your bed

Too broken and battered to do anything else

It is there that you sit, mourning the love that had blossomed over the last year

You looked back on every memory you two shared

All the late night conversations and the hours spent cuddling

You remember every laugh and every smile

The tickle fights and the movies

You look back at all these things and ask yourself if any of it was real

How could he say he loved you two weeks ago but today he feels nothing

Then you start to blame yourself and ask yourself how you ruined something that was so beautiful

It was there that you realized he was like everyone else

He left. 

You smiled and laughed because he made you the happiest person alive.

He meant the world to you.

You wanted nothing more then to make him happy

So you cut your hair, dyed it blond.

You left your friends behind.

You changed the way you dressed.

You became a vegetarian.

You started going to the gym 7 days a week. 

Then one day he left.

And you looked in the mirror

And realized

You missed your purple hair.

 You had no friends to turn to.

You hated your clothes,

All you wanted to eat was a burger 

You hated running 

You changed everything for him

And when he left you didn't even recognize yourself.