Silence is something that you feel,

when a hungry beggar is sitting in front of you,

but you have too little money with you

and you choose to have your meal.

You weren't too right though,just think, were you?

Silence is something that you hear,

when you know you have to put up a smile

just to show that you are not fragile,

but everywhere within you it's just - fear.

You then are not too strong either, just think, are you?

Silence is something that you realize,

when you want to fight for the bigger one,

but have nobody to relish the smaller one,

so you decide to have the pizza pieces alone - you were wise.

You do feel it, think again, don't you?

i’m waiting for a few folks/i love dearly to die so i can be myself

no, it’s not a phase, it's a part of me like my eyes devoid of hope

a thousand excuses you have to prove that everything doesn't exist

it's just me and myself waiting on the doors to hell to jump into blanketing fire

cause i know i don't deserve heaven

i don't deserve heaven

i don't

i

i'm waiting for a few folks/i dearly love to die so that i don't see

disappointed in me, for choosing myself over them/ heartbroken devastated hopeless

i want them to be with me but i love them so much that/ i don't want to drag them into profanity, my skin burning under the fire, blood drowning me, amber-raspberry reflections in my eyes,

i don't deserve your love

i don't

i

I'm waiting for a few folks I gravely love to die so that I don't have to choose between me and them.

All my life, I've never exactly been comfortable with my body. I'm just one of those people who are naturally self-conscious(about everything) but I somehow managed(mostly) to push back those insecurities; after all, I'd never discriminate against anyone else's body, so why should I cause myself to suffer such irrationality(feed my insecurities unhealthy, not to mention, uncalled for, critiques that only serve to shame and scorn) but it's a helluva journey; with more back and forth's than I can keep up with. So I know body issues. But I don't think anyone other than recipients are fully able to understand the torture of being the wrong gender. Someone close to me has tried to explain it to me and though I felt their heartbreak, confusion, isolation and incomprehension, I knew I couldn't come close to understanding living with it every single day. Knowing that heartbreak, confusion, isolation and incomprehension as long as you have known that you are not what you were supposed to be. What you want to be. I know this is probably not what this was supposed to be about but I need to say; to my beloved and anyone out there enduring the same struggle, in a world that is, all too often, harsh and cruel: I personally do not think God makes any mistakes and God definitely did not make a mistake with you. You are exactly as you are meant to be. If you were born a different gender, you wouldn't be who you are and the world needed you, exactly as you are. And though there are too many who believe different, most of the world knows and will continue to ratify; you can be exactly what you want to be. You be exactly who you want to be! God didn't give you this struggle for no reason. I've seen a bit of the strength it takes to go on living, to try to understand and accept yourself in a world that, all too often, simply refuses to understand and accept others; it takes resilience that not everyone possesses. I know I couldn't possibly come close to understanding but I applaud it. I applaud you. And I pray for your continued strength, endlessly blissful happiness and much, much more.

Who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

No, you're a poo!

(this is guaranteed to make you cringe, I think)

I was looking for sophisticated words in the winds which messed my hair as the car rushed down the bridge. It's midnight and with closed eyes, I looked for inspiration all day. But there's a difference between recreation and chore. I wouldn't be able to build a fort out of words but I love my small home.

I was avoiding or rather not ready to come back to prose. The last time I did I was scared. Not because of my work but if people have forgotten me. But the next time I had the fear that my work might be forgotten. I felt my dear of oblivion crippling every time I tried to write something.

In the past few months, I discovered a lot. I came to know a lot about myself and became self-conscious. The story starts from when I started writing. I started writing just with the thought of making a mark in this world. I definitely was very young while making this decision. I started writing when I was in class 1. And the first thing I wrote got published. You see I was pretty used to the notion of getting popular or published through my work.

This year I discovered spoken words open mics and went for them. I loved being a part of them till May. After that in June, I participated in camps so that I could create more writing stuff. The matter was that now I have grown a lot since last year and it's practically impossible for me to produce the same amount of content with regularity. I found this amusing since I was so used to writing for publishing that I felt compelled in a certain way to come back.

During so many classes I heard people say things like you should remember why you started writing. If I'm being honest I did not do it for happiness for myself. I loved seeing everyone proud of me. It was always for someone else. Either to cope up with trauma or seeing this as the most decent way to vent. It's for everyone except me.

I realized there was a deeper issue I have to deal with. It's not about my work or how bad my grammar is. It's just if I feel it's right in a certain way then it’s ready to be put out in that moment. I wanted to be independent by writing. But for that, I realized I needed to write for myself first. It was a feeling or thought I had been avoiding for the longest.

When I realized how the world of writing is so vast. There are genres and categories. It's not the same. I used to write non-fiction as fiction. Which is toxic and but that's how I coped up. I think I needed to realize that it's okay to take a break from anything and doing it just for yourself first. Today when I was coming home with my family. I shut my eyes and lit the window down. The air was fresh and it caressed my skin and face. I felt like it has given me new life. I am not being a poet here but seriously I was disappointed for so many months. This moment didn’t come as easily as I am making it sound.

But when I felt the wind I had an epiphany. I felt that this is my words. This is who I am. I should stop pretending to be someone who I am not. I believe it’s okay to feel like you are growing up the person you used to be and feeling like a new person. And I think it's completely fine to feel this way. We are on a never-ending learning process and it's a part of it.

During the break, I tried a new genre of writing that was popular everywhere. I wrote about race, my diversity, etc recently more than I did. Though I enjoyed what I wrote I didn't feel it was my voice. Dimitri, a famous poet who I met during a camp, said to me that he had to change his entire book in his second year at grad school because his professor told me that all his poems don’t sound like his inner voice. I felt like this is true. My poems might be about what people want to hear. But I feel I don't want to say that. I don't want to talk about it.

So finally I am trying to get back to writing what I am comfortable at. It’s not going to be the same. I have Inertia teens, graphic designing work, YouTube, and school. Everything has changed with time and it was ridiculous of me to think why I can’t write like I used to do last year. I hope you all understand and support me.

I have made a newsletter condensing everything I did during vacation. It would mean a lot to me if you could check it out.

https://www.calameo.com/books/0068383573001ea2f3b48

Samina

i don’t want to be a different gender, but i also don’t want to continue being my current gender (more like the gender i was assigned, i’m still closeted). i want to be just...me, i guess. i don’t want to be a girl or a boy. just me. i want to be treated fairly regardless of my gender. i want to be able to live my life the way i want to regardless of my gender. i want to be given the same opportunities as everybody else regardless of my gender. but most of all, i want to be able love myself regardless of my gender.

i’m AFAB (assigned female at birth), and most people, or i guess, all people assume that i’m a girl, and i don’t blame then. i present feminine because masculine looks and outfits just don’t fit me. i’d love to present masculine, but it just doesn’t look good on me, so i just stick with presenting feminine. and because of that, it makes sense that i get called “lady”, “ma’am”, “miss”, and have people use she/her pronouns on me. but that doesn’t mean i’m ok with it. i’m non-binary and use they/them pronouns, so hearing things like that being used on me makes me dysphoric and overall, just awful.

i used to think that i wanted to be a boy then. if i didn’t want to be a girl, then a boy must be it. but after a lot of thinking and crying, i realized that i didn’t want to be a boy. i didn’t want to be either. i don’t want a gender. i wanted to be me, just a person. i guess that’s why the term non-binary just felt right. because it was me, it was who i am. me. i’m me, regardless of what my gender is or what i choose to identify as, and i want the world to be ok with that.

of course, the world won’t be. not the whole world, just some. people will tell me that my pronouns aren’t “gramatically correct” and that being non-binary isn’t a real thing. but there will also be people supporting me no matter what, validating me and making sure that i never feel ashamed of who i am, and i’m glad that there’s people in my life like that. i hope everybody gets the chance to meet people like that. those people care about and love me for who i am, regardless of my gender, and i hope to get to that point some day.

like the title says, gender is stupid. it’s a social construct that does more harm than good. i'm not sure if it even does any good. who cares if men want to wear dresses or paint their nails? doesn’t make them any less of a man. if women want to wear suits and look masculine and not dainty at all, let them be, they’re still women. at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself:

“are they hurting me, others, or theirselves?”

if the answer is no, then move on. it’s their life, let them live it. if the answer is yes, it’s probably not because of what they’re wearing. if it is, you’re either dramatic, or their beautiful and stunning looks are killing you /half-joking (this a dialogue tag for those who don’t know, usually looks like -> /hj).

that was a rant and a little off topic, but still needs to be said. stop dictating other people’s lives.

so i guess what i’m trying to say is, gender just doesn’t do it for me. i don’t want to be the gender i was assigned as, and i also don’t want to be a differnt gender. why should i have to be put into this little box and have it define me for the rest of my life? that's not who i am or who i want to be. i’m me, a person. not a girl or a boy, me. i’m me, and that’s good enough for me.

Hey

So this message might seem very random

BUT I AM HAVING A SPOKEN WORDS POETRY WORKSHOP ON THURSDAY AND A LIVE INTERVIEW TOO

here are the links for the same

LIVE doesn't has any age limit's but the Workshop is only for BIPOC kids (12-19/20 ish)

LIVE- https://www.instagram.com/liveitupmag_/

WORKSHOP - https://www.eventbrite.com/e/novelcamp-tickets-148843415663

4:00 - 5:00: Workshop with Samina P. on Spoken words poetry.

5:15 - 6:15: Workshop with Samina P on Pitching

If the tickets are sold out let me know in comments.

Sorry for informing last minute since I was sick and busy.

Bad kind of butterflies

Burning the pit of my stomach

Bad kind of butterflies

Blood all over my hands

Bad kind of butterflies

Burying what I have got to hide

Bad kind of butterflies

Backbone crushing with the load

Bad kind of butterflies

Because I killed myself for you

Inspiration- Alec Benjamin’s song I killed someone for you, Camila Cabello’s song Bad kind of butterflies

Jasmine Higgins prompts

Nothing else matters

Except one little thing,

That's not so little to me.

That's you.

Nothing else matters,

But seeing you smile.

But hearing your heartbeat.

But feeling your embrace.

But holding onto you.

But being yours.

Nothing else matters,

But seeing you happy.

But being your support.

But seeing you reach your dreams.

But celebrating with you.

But going through the ups and downs with you.

Nothing else matters,

But you.