The deep, dark pit of addiction is a place where no one ever dreams of being, but ends up there anyhow resulting from a bad choice or decision. It’s a place I call ‘hell’ and it swallowed me whole.

Unfortunately, I became a lost soul in this horrified place, not even knowing who I was anymore. I was in full blown addiction, numbing my emotions just to ease the anguish of my trials and tribulations. I was self medicating and immersing my feelings with drugs and alcohol or whatever else I could get my hands on was the method I used for that temporary cure. So I thought.

I spent so many years dancing around the fire with the devil himself that I lost track of time. While everyone around me thrived to live a normal life, I was thriving to die. It became so unmanageable that I had to be cut off from the ones I loved the most. I was at my rock bottom and now I would either have to fight to retrieve myself or die a lost soul.

My rock bottom brought me to my knees. I was homeless, I slept on people’s porches, abandon houses and anywhere I could be somewhat warm and dry. I was robbed at gun point and jumped for the small amount of belongings I had to my name. I was in withdrawal when I couldn’t get the drugs I needed to function and I was nearing the bitter end. This is when I needed to make the choice to find myself and live or die a lost cause. I went with the first choice and it was the best one I would ever make yet.

Subsequently, I found myself once I completed a 90 day substance abuse treatment program. In the beginning of this life saving event, I never thought I’d make it because it was all things but easy. It was a therapeutic community accompanied by strict rules and I thought I was going to fold within the first week, but I didn’t. It gave me the light that I needed to find myself and I did. I surrounded myself with good people who were empathic of my struggles, offering me concrete support and they all assured me that I wasn’t alone. They showed me how to live a much happier and healthy life without the use of drugs, but essentially, they gave me the love I needed to succeed as a recovering addict and I couldn’t get that out there in the streets during my rippin’ and running’ days even if I tried. That’s just the way it is.

Today, I’ve found myself. I love the person that I’ve grown to become and I’m not anywhere near where I want to be, but I’m getting closer and closer with each day that passes. When I thought that I was doomed and in the dark for good, I was wrong. I learned over the years that darkness cannot exist without light and vice versa. If you suffer from addiction or other mental health disorders, there is someone reaching out to grab your hand and pull you in. I promise you help is there and you will make it through the dark times.

I lost you

Abruptly

It hurt me

Instantly

I lost me

Inadvertently

I lost you and lost me

Simultaneously

My nana dear

I miss you being here

The same year I lost you

Is the same year I found me

Because I had him on the first

The first of the year

And God made it clear

That I would have a happy new year

My son was born

The same year I lost you

So the words ring true

The same year i lost you

I found myself to

I am a mom

I say this calm

With much charm

I was lost now I’m found

And even though you’re not around

You’re still teaching me lessons

The same year I lost you

I gave birth to a blessing