Being in this place, this never ending torment, is slowly killing me. And yet, the thought of leaving, of trying something new, is stealing the air from my lungs. I can't breath, can't even scream for help. I don't understand how the supposed "right" choice can hurt so damn much. I feel like I am giving up the only me I have ever known, the only purpose I've ever had, and it has shaken me to the core. At this point I am uncertain if I will survive this earthquake.

I am lost in a churning sea of confusion. I don't understand when it all changed; when I changed. Was it gradual or have I just been lieing to myself to think I'm the same person I was three years ago. How do I know if the one constant in my life, the one and only thing I've ever wanted to be my entire existence, has really changed. Am I really that different or am I just in a slump? This feels so real, so right, like I'm finally being honest with myself and the mask is gone. So can it be? Am I finally finding the real me?

Prologue: [The battle rages on. Light and dark; Dark and light. Locked in a constant struggle, neither gaining on the other. What most people don't realize is how closely these two forces are related. But I, Kendra Rowland, have become deeply involved in the struggle. I have had the opportunity to see the two frauds for what they really are, childish puppet masters who are too petty to set aside their differences. Both of whom are too hotheaded to end the feud even though neither can even remember the cause for the timeless war.

I am here to share my story with you because the scales are on the verge of tipping. A new power has arose, six of them actually, including myself. We are each a force to be reckoned with and no one knows which way we will turn.]

I am debating between writing it all from Kendra's point of view, including the how the other five discover their powers and make their choices or doing a series of shorter stories, each told from a different one of the six's point of views. The stories would intertwine of course and characters would cross over into each other's stories, but each one of the six would get to tell their own adventure.

I'm leaning more towards the latter, because I think it would be better that way, but any input would be greatly appreciated so feel free to drop a comment.

Diclaimer: More of a free write/train of thought than an actual story.

So I've been thinking alot lately about alter ego's and decided to see if I could make something out of that.

At first, I never bothered to use a name besides the one I was given for anything. Any accounts I created were firstnamemiddlename (I'm not going to share that). I was young, and niave, and honestly didn't do much online because I prefered my books and music. The few times when I didn't use my name I would use "bananapea" a wierd melding of my childhood nicknames. As I got older and started to have more of an online presence, one I didn't want my family or frineds to know about, I started using "purplepenguin" or some variation. Why that name? I honestly have no idea, purple is my favorite color and penguin just seemed to fit. Anyways, I have just recently (within the past year) switched to "AJStarduct".

I was not even aware that my alter ego was going to change, until one day when asked to create a username, I put something other than I usually do. I feel like this shift is a reflection of how I, myself, have changed as a person. My previous alterego was born out of lies and deciet. She was someone who was also trying to hide her true self and be something she was not. I stopped being that person years ago, and it amazes (not sure if thats the right word) me how long it took for me to update my alter ego. Maybe part of me still wanted to hold on to the past.

AJStardust is strong and fierce, she is silly and wierd and proud of that. She forgets things and curses so much at times it would make a sailior blush. She has a sarcastic tounge and a wicked sense of humor that most don't get, but she doesn't care. She says stupid things and fails tests. Most importantly, she is human (mostly) and doesn't pretend to be anything else. She is finally the accurate reflection of what is inside the shy oddball girl, but never escapes unless behind a computer screen.

Why did I join Prose, you ask? I was looking for a community, a group of people who loved writing as much as me, and a safe place to share my work. That is why I joined and why I continue to write here, I feel as if I have finally found somewhere I actually belong. As for writing in general, it brightens my soul and allows me to get out things I couldn't normally do. Writing gives me an escape and an adventure and brings me joy when nothing else can.

Gender? Age? Geesh, what is this? an interigation?(kidding) I am female and twenty years old. I turn 21 in less than two months. I have an associates degree in science if you really must know and am employed at an outgoing call center (yes, I am one of the souless vultures that is always calling trying to get you to take surveys about your bank or whatnot). Let's see, what else..? Oh yes! in three years from now I hope to be in vet school, maybe on the way to starting a family if that happens to be in my cards.

I sit here, looking out my window at the falling rain. My mind is adrift in a chaotic sea of thought. I feel so alone, and yet smothered by everything around me. I'm crying out, screaming inside. Can anyone hear me, or do my pleas fall upon deaf ears? I look to the grey sky as thunder crashes inside and out. Is that a sign or just a mere coincidence?

The thought that someday soon I may lose him is killing me. I hate being stuck in this place, doing nothing, and unable to be with those who need me. The waiting, the not knowing, its draining me until I have nothing left.

I hit my knees, eyes still locked on the grey sky and send out another plea. "Please, Please, if anyone can hear me. Please, don't take my daddy from me."

"Jack on the rock's." I pause "Hell, make it a double." The bartender raises an eyebrow 

"You trying to get something off your mind?" he questions

"Something like that."

"Well, ma'am," he looks around at the nearly desserted bar "Its only noon and I got time, shoot." 

"Haha, right. You won't believe me." 

"Trust me, I've heard some crazy things workin' here."

"Fine, but I warned you." I down the whiskey and take a deep breathe "I found out my husband is an alien from another planet who wants to kidnap me." The bartender stares in shock for a moment, then burst out laughing. He stops when he sees my bitter look. 

"Wait, you seriously think you're married to an alien, as in an estraterrestrial being?" His eyes are wide, like I'm some new brand of crazy. 

"I knew you'd think I was crazy." I grumble. "Now, get me another drink." 

"Okay, okay. You don't seem like the insane type, so let's hear the story."

"Well, it's not like I have anything to loose." I sigh and fiddle with my cup. "It all started two weeks ago..."

***

"Honey, I got off early." my voice echo's through the house as I walk through the door Friday afternoon. I hang up my keys and walk towards the kitchen looking for Kevin. I hear static and the faint mumer of voices comeing from the bedroom. "Kevin?" I push the door upon and find him staring at the flickering T.V. screen, whispering intently. It looks like there's something on his head and I vaguely see a face in the static. The floor creaks and his head snaps up and I catch a catch a flash of movement. 

"Evelyn! What are you doing home at this hour?" His eyes have this glassy, far away look that in our two years off marriage, I have never seen before. Alarm bells go off in my mind for some reason and I instinctively take a step back. 

"Oh, um, we wrapped up the project early and don't have anything else lined up until Monday." I glance at the T.V, it's black, but I never saw Kevin turn it off. 

"I'm sure I must have looked crazy." He laughs nervously. "I was just so focused on the game, I didn't even hear you come in."

"The game?"

"Yeah, the baseball game." He clickes on the T.V. to show me then smiles and walks towards me. "But, I'm glad you're home." He hugs me and it takes every bit of willpower I have not flee the room.

"I'm glad. too" I say uneasely. 

"Hard day at work?" Kevin looks at me tenderly as if the glassiness earlier had just been in my imagination. Had it been? Other than messy hair, he looks completely normal.

Over the next week little things that seem out of place start to catch my attention, things that I've never noticed before. For example, Kevin will go out of his way to touch tin foil as little as possible. I wrapped corn and cooked it on the grill and rather than just unwrap it with his hands, he took an extra ten minutes to carefully remove it with a fork. I mean, I get the corn was hot to touch, but really? And when we are in the car and the radio starts to static, he will hesitate, as if listening, before he changes the station. I guess maybe he could be waiting to see if the current station is going to come back in, however something doesn't seem right. Plus he works at a broadcasting station, it's the perfect place to contact another planet.

"Hey, Cam, I'm not feeling well. Do you think there's anyway I could head home early?" It's friday again and I'm trying to catch Kevin in the act.

"You do look quite pale and tire." Cam looks me over. "I think we can spare you for a few hours. Rest up over the weekend and I'll see you Monday." I thank her and hurry home. 

I slip in the door as quietly as possible and tiptoe towards the bedroom. Something is off, I don't hear any static of voices. I quickly check the bedroom, only to find it empty. I look all around the house and Kevin is nowhere to be found. 

Just then, I hear the key in the lock and my husband comes in carrying a bag of groceries. His eyes light up when he sees me, like he's a completely normal human, but I know it's an act. 

"Is this going to become a regular thing? Getting off early on Fridays? If I didn't know better I would think you were slacking off." He teases, then frowns a little when he sees my annoyed expression. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, I just don't feel well. It's nothing. I'm going to lay down." I add hastily before he can say anything. 

As I stare at the ceiling I think back. We usually don't grocery shop until saturday, why did he go today? Unless he knew I would try to spy on him. No, thats ridiculous, he couldn't have known... could he? I suppose he could have need something and just decided to do the shopping while out. I need to think of a way to find out if what I saw last week was real, and obviously I can't keep coming home early.

An hour passes and my phone buzzes. It's one of those stupid chain videos.

"Thats it!" I'm so excited I shout outloud. 

"What's that?" Kevin pokes his head in. 

"Oh nothing, I'm just sick of those chain things."

"Ah, yes, those are quite annoying. Are you feeling any better?" 

"Yes, much." I smile to myself and receive a funny look. 

Over the weekend I sneak out of town to go "shopping" and buy the most high tech, small, spy camera I can find. I use cash of course, I don't need Kevin getting wind of my purchase. Monday, while Kevin is at work I set the camera up inside the vent, yes I know thats one of the first places any person who's seen a spy movie would look. I'm banking on the fact Kevin does't realize I'm on to him. I've connected the feed to my work computer so now all I have to do is wait. 

Four days pass and nothing happens. I'm beginning to doubt myself, beginning to think I really am crazy. I plan to take the camera down next Monday, but it's still only Friday. 

"Miss Evelyn, your husband is calling on line two." The receptionist says cheerily. 

"Really? I've only been at work an hour." I pick up the phone. "Hello, dear. Is everything okay?" 

"Oh, yes. I was just thinking we should take a trip this weekend, spur of the moment. What do you say?"

"Where exactly would we go?" We have never, and I mean never, done anything spur of the moment. "And why now?"

"I was just thinking we never really took that vacation to the beach we wanted, wouldn't that be fun?" He sounds eager, too eager

"Why yes, it would." I play along "When would we leave?"

"As soon as you get off work. I don't suppose you could come home a few hours early?"

"No, sorry, Kevin. We are swamped, and I already cut a day short last week." 

"We will just have to hed out when you get home and pack. I'll have everything else ready." It iss the breatheless excitement in his voice that has me turning on the camera feed. 

"That sounds wonderful. I'll see you then. I have to go, Love you." I hang up before  he can reply and sure enough he walks into the bedroom. I watch him turn on the T.V and the next thing I see freaks me out so much I scream. 

"Evelyn, what is it?" One of my coworkers runs in. 

"N-Nothing, I just thought I saw a spider." They shake their head and leave, informing the others what my malfunction was about. 

I look back at the compute screen and see a long green antena sticking out of Kevin's head. He his talking a mile a minute to the T.V. and it dawns on me to turn on the audio. 

"Yes, Yes, she bought it. She thinks we are going on a trip to the beach. No, she's clueless, has no idea what I am." The is incoherant chatter from the T.V. "I know, Mom, but Evelyne was acting strange, I didn't want to risk contacting you last week. Yes, Mom, I should have brought her home a long time ago, but don't worry, we will be there shortly." I stare at the screen. Kevin told me his parents were dead. And what is this talk of taking me "home". More chatter. "She will be freaked out at first, or course, but I believe she grow to love planet Stardust as if it has always been her home."

Planet Stardust? Planet? He is planning on taking me to another freaking planet? Oh, Hell no. Without thinking, I grab my keys and run out of my office and don't stop. I have the same mentality when I get in the car.

***

"It was only the need for fuel that prompted me to stop, thus how I ended up here." I look at the bartender, who is speechless. "So how about it, can I have another double?"

"Yeah." He fumbles with the glass and keeps staring. After a long moment he finally speaks. 

"Lady, you are a serious nut case." My heart sinks, of course he thinks I'm crazy. "But what does that say about me?" I look at him, confused. "I actually believe you." He pours himself a shot and shakes his head.

Sometimes I stare out into space with no real thought one my mind, and yet a whole universe of them at the same time. Its a perculiar feeling, really. I wonder what lies beyond the countless stars twinkling above. How many more lay hidden beyond? What else awaits in the depths? Logically, I know they are just gas balls, smaller suns, and the works, but the little girl in me can't help wanting to wish upon a star, She can't help the magical dreams of far away planets and mysterious galaxies that feels her mind. That little girl sometimes wishes to become one with the stars and journey into their welcoming embrace. To join in their brilliant dance, to be something far away and just absolutely breathtaking. But alas, that little girl must grow up and face reality once again. 

Little light, high in the sky. What is it that you want with me? Why must you twinkle so bright among so many others? Why, I must ask, is it you and only you that draws me in this way? You just shimmer as my questions travel into space, so for now I suppose the mystery shall remain.

No, I do not know whats up with the title, and I honestly don't know if this post will even fit with it, but thats what I wanted to title it so thats what it shall be. Just a discloser, this will not be a story or even a poem. It may be entertaining and maybe funny, or possibly it could be the most boring thing you ever read (if you stick it out til the end). I do not know, because this is basically what comes to my twisted mind at the moment. I usually do this in a notebook, so I can keep track and all that good stuff, but honestly I'm just too lazy to go get it right now. 

So have you ever found out something about someone, that you didn't realize or thought was different? (yes, I switched topics without transition and likely will do so again). I discovered that my cousin's, who is in his mid-late thirties, girlfriend is actually younger than me (I'm 20 fyi) Now the age gap isn't what gets me, though some people may find it scandalous or gross. My parents are actually 12 1/2 years apart and ive dated a guy 8 years older than me (worst mistake of my life, but thats another story). Anyways, shes prego and really doesn't look 18, and I guess I've always thought she was in her mid-twenties. I don't know if its the fact shes younger than me in general that I can't wrap my head around, or the fact that I am actually old enough to have people younger than me who can legally date people much older. It's just weird to me, because I always thought she was older than me. Maybe why its odd is because I haven't fully processed that time is passing, and as it does, I grow further from my childhood years. Yes I know thats random, and now I feel as if I'm getting way to pyscological (Don't think I spelled that right but to lazy to check) here. Anyways, that was my odd rant of the moment. 

Yes, I know that wasn't the most eloquent of writings, and probably has more than a few grammatical errors, but I could barely keep up with my thoughts as was, let alone stop to fix every mistake and I feel if I went back and edited now it would take away from what I was trying to say. Anyways, I hope reading this doesn't drive you too insane. 

-- AJ