I'm a terrible liar

And yet I hide my illness remarkably well

Talk about it! They screamyellcry

But they never want to listen

Hypocrisyironyhatred

Who wants stigma when they can have stillness?

It's fine, I guess.

Who has time for reality

When Ignorance is so much sweeter?

Peeling paint, a shelter, a blocker of the winds

no ears, no tongue, no eyes

but what if?

All was quiet

on the western front

The hustle, the bustle

The costly heels and shoes, clip clack clip

The clipboards, the touch of graphite against paper

The irritated boss, the obedient clients

Day after night after day

All was quite different 

on the eastern front

The same hustles, the same bustles

The same costly heels and costly shoes, clip clack clip

The same clipboards, the same touch of the same graphite against the same paper

The same irritated boss, the same obedient clients

Day after the same night after day

But one night the sun did not sink into the horizon 

as peacefully as before

Oh, yes

The blocker of the winds did hear

The shrieks, the screams

The costly heels fleeing, clip clack clip

The silence

Then the wailing sirens

Peeling paint, a shelter, a blocker of the winds

a set of ears

but no tongue, no eyes

to tell, to say, to see

when all was quite different

on the eastern front 

-Sofiya 

---

I can feel you, restless, in my dreams, or mind, or heart. tortured by thoughts of nothing in blackness in the noise of a crowded room. There is no peace tonight, in my very being I feel it, There are no meds to remove the screams, no drugs to escape the torture. The numbness of self medication keeps your sanity hanging by the strongest of all threads. Can't think too much, or ponder on what ifs. But music looks beautiful dancing in the air, and time is a concept of man that serves no purpose other than to kill joy and draw boxes of conformity in thick black lines.

the color of sound

permeates cracks in the void

tolerable life

Existence without reason, alone in an ever-present crowd, there are no rainbows in nighttime storms, I can feel your quick breaths as you are dragged into sleep unwillingly, though in desperate need. the trepidation runs deep, silenced by normality, fear of separation of mind tethered to others by soul alone. Pretense in surface honesty, which is perceived as truth. But the core of it, the fear of it, the whole of it cannot be hidden, for I feel you to the depths of who you are afraid to be. There is no loss of sanity in being who you are, Those colors sound beautiful as they dance in the smokey air, and the math is art incarnate, science is the symphony around which all things are born and oh the music. Yes the music that dances through it all is the very air in all it's swirling hues of blissful perfection

two halves of self dance

tangos of darkness and light

beauty in all things

in wait of nightmares

there need not be loneliness

joy in one who knows

A single word,

More for those who hate silence.  

Either way, 

What they say,

Is scripted, expected, not new.  

A word for you;

Dream.

Afraid of life after,

The time when you sleep,

What you say,

Isn't written clear as day.

Muddled and blurred,

Are the dreams that creep. 

Sometimes I think this is all a dream because some that beautiful can't be real.

People say that your no good for me.

I think of you everyday, but that does not matter.

Because I know that you don't feel the same way

And nothing hurts more.

Then seeing you smile and knowing that I'll never be the reason why.

I belong to you

Always have, always will

If it was meant to be, maybe it wouldn't be like this.

Things didn't go the way I planned

Because otherwise we would have our happy end.

And maybe in another life we will, just like in my dreams.

I know that you aren't mine, but all I want for you is to be happy.

Even it's not with me, it's fine.

I hate you,

But I love you.

I miss you, and I need you.

But I hate you.

And in everyone I meet I search for someone like you.

Because no matter how hard I try, my heart still wants you

Without you, I wouldn't know what pain feels like.

Without you, I'd probably be the happiest girl alive.

If we hadn't met, I wouldn't have probably gotten my heart broken.

So if I could go back in time now. I would/I wouldn't

To change the way you treated me. To tell myself to never get

to close to you

like I did.

"Don't go that way!" They told me,

"Don't set out this time of day.

The tide is risin' like the dawn

and there'll be hell to pay!"

I winked in merry at their gloom,

"The best time to set sail." I said.

"She's waitin' for me past Blowin' Rock,

gotta catch her 'fore she's fled."

The white hairs tyin' down their sail

shouted back full of dismay,

"Feel the wind boy, feel the gale!

Give chase and you'll go astray!"

I grinned and shoved off after her,

the deep water rippling black,

I pinned my sail and eye'd the line

without ever looking back.

"She'll wait for me," I whispered soft,

not to me but the water below.

"She loves me," I promised the patient ocean,

"Wherever she goes, I'll follow."

The isle behind lay out of sight,

Wood boards creaking with each supple lap,

The water held its breath beneath me now,

the silence had to crack.

"KIKKKOWW!" Thunder split the sky above,

The sun hid from the sound like a child.

The rain prattled on my tin thermos lid,

and I knew I'd been beguiled.

God had come, his aim direct,

his wraith built for a purpose,

to remind poor man whose might is true,

and who rules this earthly surface.

Tossed bow to stern, boat capping and lunging,

While rolling waves sloshed me back.

Beat me and my boat, both flying and lunging

'til my lifeboat became a trap.

I pitched out to the chilled black ice,

my boat a morsel for the Kraken,

through the blur I could see her waving to me,

and I knew I was forsaken...

Now every boy on the island knows the story,

of Blowin' Rock's ghost drowned and pale,

Still lookin' for her, the girl that's a blur,

The Siren who dared him to sail.

If you feel it, let me know

You know I try so hard

To keep my bones from shaking

Just thinking, are you wondering?

IF you hear it, let me know

You know I'm lost now

My heart is beating

Just faking all the tears from falling

If  you see it, let me know

You know I'm all yours

If you say you're trembling

Know that I'm here

My senses are ripe

IT keeps me sane

Numbness hasn't 

And if I fall again

I know you'll be

The first thing

To hold me.

Won from sweet grains

raised in a land where it rains

redolent with notes

of the sheep's lonesome bleat

breath of bog-flowers and

the fragrant aroma of peat.

Amber is a poet's reward,

a nectar without fault

to unchoke pen and 

free the untamed word. 

The silence of the night overtakes me. No sound. Just darkness. Thick. Veiling bedroom from the noises of the night. And you lying beside me. Drawing quiet breaths in concord with my pulse. Life force stretched out upon Egyptian Cotton. At peace with the turmoil of the day and of the nights past.

I reach out my hand to touch your flesh and watch silently as the goosebumps spread across your skin. If perfection had a name? It would be you my love.

It would be you resting safely at my side. No bending wills or heavy cement walls to separate me and you from our pasts. Just you and me in the silence. Veiled by the darkness of the night. Locked Away from the world. Forever.