Let me start by saying I always wanted to be a mum. And I don't regret a thing.

However.....

Why the hell don't women talk about how hard it is!?!?!

Why is it some sort of unwritten rule that complaining about being a mum is not ok? or it in some way suggests you don't love your child?

I am a 38 yr old woman with a 1 yr. old and let me tell you, this past 15 months have been the hardest of my life, emotionally, physically and psychologically, not to mention financially. (I am too old for this) At one point I messaged a fellow aged mother and asked whether her stomach hurt from bending down to pick her kid up all day or was it just me!

So all those winning mums out there that don't say anything bad or tell women what it can be really like can just stop reading, this article isn't for you... your already perfect and I am sure you a raising a real winner!

All the other mums that struggle and as they sit at home in a big old puddle of tears thinking that they are the worst mothers in the world, or that other mums don't go through what they are going through. Or that other mums find it easier than they do, or the myriad of thoughts that go through their mind in the wee hours of the morning when your kid is screaming and you don't know why and your partner is looking at you for answers like because you gave birth to the child you have any sort of better idea than he does, then he rolls over and goes back to sleep because why would he need to be awake in the dark? That is crazy talk! He has to work. (So do I).

So if your this mum. Like me, gear up for some fun articles where it is high time mums talk about the reality of motherhood and don't feel guilty about it.

My baby is gorgeous, he is funny, he is so smart, and sometimes his an arsehole. He hates people, he wont stay with new people, he is a dummy thrower so a trip in the car requires a 5 pack of dummies just to get anywhere because all the others go flying around the car.

A trip to the doctor is like I have thrown him in a cage with lions, his ability to put off sleep is like I have never seen, his shear will power and endurance is something that should be channelled into something very productive he could rule the world, however his currently using it to rule me.

Sometimes he outsmarts me, and I just go "you know what boo, you can have this one" even I'm impressed.

And that moment when I am just about to snap and everything is about to fall down around me, he can look at me with one smile and I melt. But don't think I didn't see that smirk on his face when I gave up at 3:30am and let him in bed with me.

Post natal depression I am convinced it just not being prepared, and all these other mums aren't telling one another how hard it is, so we sit around beating ourselves up when we don't have the answers, we feel like failures, we feel like we aren't doing the best thing for our children.

Well fuck that. Mums need to support mums, and start being honest. It makes us no less a good mum just because we are happy to admit it's hard, we don't know, but we are doing our god damn best.

Stay tuned for some quality stories from the last 15 months of my life, when I find the time to get them down!

I'm 37 yrs old, and just gave birth to my first born.....

In my 20's I wanted 4 kids, I always wanted to be a mum. I never had career aspirations I just wanted to be a mum.

Then I hit my 30's and thought maybe I don't have the patience for it anymore. I'm to old, my biological clock is ticking. I have been with my partner for 9 years now. But between my mental health and his in this new world we haven't really had the capacity to bring a child into the world. Then last year, conveniently after we both got our shit together I found out I was pregnant. I mean we already had raised a puppy, how hard could it be.

Let me start by opening with, what the fuck ladies?????

Why do we not talk about pregnancy like real people.... it is a pain in the arse, and I had a good one. Despite being a "geriatric" mother it went very smoothly. Some women have a terrible time and I still maintain it was the worst 9 months of my life, and this bitch has been through it let me tell you.

You find out you are expecting. Everyone is super excited! Although to be fair i didn't even tell work until I was 7 months pregnant, don't want to jinx it after all! Some of my friends didn't even know til I gave birth and I maintain that if you haven't contacted me in 9 months why do I need to contact you to catch you up on news with me.

By week 32 i was done, I was so over it, I was working full time, I was fatter than usual and I was a curvy girl to start with. I was barely sleeping. Not for being uncomfortable just for the fact my brain wouldn't shut off, and let me sleep. I would look at my partner snoring his head off in bliss and want to smother him with a pillow.

Oh come and look at your baby........ ultra sounds...... we were at my first ultrasound and my doctor pulled the do you want to take a picture of the baby? My partner and I looked at one another as if to say what the hell are we looking at here? All we saw was a blob on a screen, and we were both used to our lives going in the wrong direction so we refused to get excited about this profound moment in our life until literally birth. We bought barely anything, we barely discussed it, my partner didn't even tell him parents until every time I sneezed I peed my pants. If we didn't acknowledge it, if we lost it we would be able to cope. It is a flawed theory but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

I won't bore you with the details but let me break it down for what women don't tell you, and just quietly I think it a travesty. We should band together, we don't have to be strong, we don't have to pretend it is fun. I can tell you right now, I never had a glow. Some may, I don't know, but from what I experienced, it was nothing short of expensive, painful, exhausting and no one could really give a shit because it is just what women are suppose to do. And again, I had no issues, my pregnancy was as doctors would describe it, a dream!

The first 3 months is like a constant hangover with none of the perks, I felt ill, all I could eat was toast and to be fair although my partner pretended to give a shit he really could not understand it and therefore couldn't empathize with it. Then the anxiety sets in, I can't get attached, what if something goes wrong, for nearly a year you are in a state of worrying that you will ruin this miracle for both yourself and your partner and not only that but you will have to explain what happened if anything does go wrong.

For 9 months, and who are we kidding it is actually 10, I don't know what man made up this 9 month bullshit. Why aren't women banding together? I literallly don't understand...... Pregnancy is hard..... but no one ever talks about it. No women says you know what this last 10 months has been shit. It has been hell, I have barely slept, I can't eat, my body isn't my own. It is fucking hard.

I had never had anyone tell me how hard it was, I heard how great it was, how worthwhile, how amazing, bla bla bla. It is a bloody shitfight. Why can't we just be honest! By god it is worthwhile, and it is amazing our bodies can do it, but lets be honest, if one more person asked if I wanted a baby shower and my response was and still remains, why in gods name would I when I feel the shittest, the fattest, the most tired, I can't drink, I can't even eat shit because I have gestational diabetes. Just drop the gifts at the door.

Pregnancy is hard, it is tough, and I don't know why women think they can't talk about it. Yes, I want to sneeze without pissing my pants. Yes, I want to sleep without the responsibility of keeping a child alive. Pregnancy is a full time job as far as I am concerned, and don't even get me started on labour and the first 6 weeks, because I am on maternity leave and ready to vent. But I do have the most gorgeous baby in the world and if I don't say so myself, hard as it was we smashed prgnancy and labour.

If you enjoyed this update let me know, and I will happily tell the labour and first time raising a baby as I see it. Honestly and lovingly, with no bullshit.

Like this story for further updates on my journey.

Im tired. 

Im tired of people saying I should be nice. Saying I need to understand. 

I understand but I will not be your punching bag any more....  

Im emotionally exhausted. You never supported me like I do you. You made my mental illness worse than it needed to be and in hindsight probably caused the majority of it. 

You made me feel crazy. I can not save everyone and I am sorry I am not the person you wish I was. But at this point I am not apologising any more. Im sick of tip toeing around you. Im sick of being blamed for everything. Guess what..... im not ok. 

Why do I have to be the strong one. Why do I need to rescue people. 

Im done apologising because your uncomfortable. Im happy with who I am now and you don't get to dictate my faults. I am human. 

I would prefer a good punch to the face if the alternative is the emotional abuse that you pretend is every day life. I dont deserve to be criticised about my washing. The way I wipe a bench or the way I live my life i any way shape or form. You are not my mother. 

Nut dont upset you... you have mental health issues.  You know what.... so do I. It doesn't give me a reason  to make everyone around me feel like shit. 

I told you a long time when I stop crying you should be worried. Because when I stop caring I shut down. And im sorry to tell you but I will support you to the day I die. But I will not be your scapegoat any more. 

Im done. 

Soulmates - I'm not sold on and seems unlikely there is one person in the world that is somehow cosmically linked to me, seems far fetched and for the movies.

Can you love someone online? Sure, you could love them, but until you actually meet, you don't actually know what/who your loving. So I wouldn't use to much energy on ifs buts and maybes.

Do I think certain personalities go better with other personalities and in the same light some can be toxic, I certainly do.

I do not believe in love at first sight. - Unless it is between parent and child.

I most definately believe in lust at first sight, that connection that you can have with someone that is purely electric, and I think is completely chemically based somehow, where your eyes lock and you literally feel nausous and giddy. I've had this a few times in my life, and in hindsight would I say I had the capibility of loving these particular people. Probably not, would I give up what we did have, definately not.

I think the question isn't as simple as that.

I don't believe that Love between two unrelated people is automatic in any way shape or form. Its earned, it's fought for, it's respected, it's not thrown away and for all intents and purposes it is fucking hard. It will make you laugh, make you cry, make you mad, surprise you, support you and sometimes you will hate it so much that you want out. But it is also what we are here for, to love and to be loved. If it were easy it wouldn't be worth it. And once you find it, and it will take time, it will be worth it.

And for God's sake, don't jump ship at the first sign of trouble, because for all the troubles, and the trying times comes a bond that just gets stronger and stronger, where the other persons happiness becomes more important than your own. When this happens, you have love, and fight for it, it isn't easy to find, but it's so easy to loose if you don't respect it.

Get a hobby that doesn't involve alientating others.

Homophobia is small minded people having an oppinon on a world they know nothing about.

Everyone can have whatever beliefs they choose to. Freedom of choice is individual.

It is when your beliefs impact other peoples beliefs/lives negatively then it is no longer a belief, it is a prejudice.

If you don't support it, stay out of it and live your own life. Just do you.

You only get to do it once as far as I am aware, but I am open to ideas, because unlike some I don't know it all and don't claim to!

I don't understand why people always need to know why?

Why does there have to be reason behind everything? Maybe if we stop asking why so often, we will learn to accept that sometimes it just is what it is.

I am so tired of whys? Why am I the way I am? Why do I do the things I do? Why am I not a better person? Why did this happen to me? Why didn't this happen to me?

Life happens, and as far as I can tell no one has worked out why yet? Maybe we need to focus more on how? How can I better myself? How can I be more constructive? How can I make my life more meaningful?

Maybe when you stop asking why and expecting a miracle answer, and start asking alternative questions, you will find the greater understanding that you are looking for. Stop looking for reasons why things have already happened, stop looking to reasoning behind everything. Just live. Did you ever stop to consider that the happiest people in the world are those that don't constantly need answers to why?

At the end of the day does it really matter why? It is what it is. Either fix it, move on, become better, if you don't understand something you want to understand, educate yourself on the topic, but inregards to the question of why? Lifes to short. People think that they will have greater understanding by answering why questions? Maybe the greatest understanding is accepting the fact that sometimes it really doesn't matter why......

Have you ever had one of those days when your not quite sure how you feel?

Your not sure if everyone is trying to annoy you, or maybe you being over sensitive? When everything makes you question everything?

Where you want to do something but you have no idea what you want to do and that just frustrates you even more?

One of those days where people ask what is wrong, and get annoyed when you say you don't know, because you generally don't know!?

When you have so many things going through your head, from the meaning of life itself, to why your only existing in yours rather than living it, to the smaller things just like I'm not cooking tea when I get home, because you can cook your own god damn tea? and you know what!? I'm not even hungry!

Where the whinger that you see every day, just for some reason today is really pressing your buttons, you get greeted coming in the door with questions about a phone bill that has gone up 20 dollars, you have a splitting headache, and you don't get a hello... you get are you going to call the Company about this? Meanwhile I'm grating cheese because I need to cook dinner before I can knock off for the day, because said other half seems to have the impression that if he washes a tray after the dinner is dished up, his work is done. And then said person looks like a deer that just got hit by a car when you respond "if it fucking upsets you call the fucking people yourself!" Cause you know what, today I'm not your personal assistant! And then said person knows from my up and down evening that I am clearly not to be messed with, or does he, because he thinks that it is the time before bed tonight to give me a lesson on how to get the toothpaste out of the tube in a more effective way, from a man who's clothes I trip over because he is incapable of picking them up and who uses half a toliet roll everytime he goes to the bathroom. Now by this point I just figure that the big guy upstairs really is just taking the piss and my life is somehow his new favourite sitcom. And I look at this fool, of whom I am dumb enough to love in the face, and ask... is there anything else? Anything at all? That you need to get off your chest tonight? Because you have not stopped ALL night!

And then I lie in bed cause it is the only part of the day that is silent, and I just get to not worry about anything else and I am left thinking, when did I loose me and who the hell is this shell of a person I am left with? And more importantly who is the deluded fool laying next to me asking if I am breathing that heavily on purpose? That looks at me like I'm the crazy person in this relationship. For all those men and or women out there with 'crazy ladies', your ladies were perfectly sane before they met you, it is dealing with you that causes the insanity, just give her a break! Tomorrow should be a better day!