Pain. Pain. I have been hurt so much that when a knife slips while cutting vegetables I stare at the blood for a minute before I feel the sting. There are so many different aspects of pain that if I could live without it I may be a completely different person. Pain? Love. If I couldn't feel pain for a week would I not feel love, since there is so much hurting in the love I feel?

Let's see what I should say. I would be clumsier than I already am while cutting things and would build all the fires I could build. I'd take a pan out of the oven with my bare hands, I would eat hot soup without hesitating. I would love without a fear of falling. This is my idea of living life to the fullest.

I don't think I could trust myself to not feel pain for that alotted time. I would either live normally or live dangerously, however, just because I don't feel pain doesn't mean it's not there. If I sliced my finger cutting onions and cannot feel the knife's blade, I would continue letting the blood flow. After the week was over the cut would still be there. Some scars we create hurt more as they heal.

Pain is not the best part of life but it is integral. I'm afraid of it but I need it at the same time; I need to be reminded of my mortality on a daily basis.

We are all dying, I think to myself as I step outside into the sunlight. It's going to rain tomorrow and everyone knows it. It's going to rain tomorrow and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

There's some sort of buzzing silence surrounding me as I step forward onto the grass, each step making a small rustle. Everyone is so mortal, so painfully mortal, that it makes me smile. In two hundred years this grass will be long gone and so will I. Maybe the sapling in our front yard will live or maybe it will be blown away by the winds of uncertainty. It's sunny now but it won't be sunny forever.

If it rains, it rains. Scientists predict that tomorrow the world will still be spinning. Maybe if I run fast enough I can jump off this flat Earth and thrust my lifeless body into the freezing sun once and for all.

~

I'm sorry it has to be this way,

Me ripping out pieces of my life until there's no notebook left for you to hold onto.

I know I said you cause me pain

But it's a good kind of pain,

The kind of pain I get when I destroy my own writing.

I'm not throwing this page away, I'm not done with it yet.

I don't ever want to rip you out of my life.

You are a poem that I'll always be writing,

my love.

i love metaphorical talk but sometimes i just wish someone would tell me the truth

also please don't try to find the meaning in this because there is none

this is just me writing and losing my mind

also it's 2:06 pm and i'm thinking about numbers and letters and colors and how we are all so weak

love doesn't really mean anything, does it?

if you had the choice of who you fell in love with, who would you fall for?

i'd choose to fall for myself because at least then i wouldn't be aching

and the one i loved would never leave or betray me. okay, that is a bit narcissistic

i need a break from humanity for now but please like my poems so i feel like someone gave me a chance even if i never gave myself one

honestly if you are thinking anything remotely negative about me tell me immediately. i need some inspiration.

actually. i take that back. if you hate me, only talk behind my back. i'll know that you hate me but i'll never know how much.

in elementary school when kids called me weird i took it as a compliment. now, looking back, i'm realizing the mistakes i made then and am trying my best to be remotely normal although i hate conformity in this society.

i only tell the truth when i write and when i play music and when i dream. don't you know, you can never lie in your dreams.

Sad.

Depresed.

Alone.

Broken.

Useless.

Terrible.

Torn up.

Broken down.

Insulted.

I am all these things. People have made me this way with their evil ways.

Then I met you.

Happy.

Loved.

Wanted.

Helpful.

Great.

built up.

complimented.

I am all these things, with you.

You took a broken girl and made her whole again.

it can be extremely scary to come out of the closet. theres that fear of not being accepted, fear of rejcetion, fear that someone will tell you that its "Just a phase" or fear that someone will think you have a mental illness. There's a lot that could go wrong, conversion therapy being leagal in some pleaces makes that worse. no one wants to be placed in conversion therapy. Anything could go wrong in the coming out process, I know it still sucks that my mom still doesnt accept me for who I am. People are being told who to love and you cant change that about a person. It's the most terifying thing to come out of the closet, and its not a one time thing which is even scarier thinking you might have to come out again to someone else and get that rush of fear of acceptance, rejectance, hatrid, so much.

1. pull your thoughts inside of yourself as if your facade is an umbrella from this rain of hate

2. convince yourself there's nothing good out there. no one understands.

3. refuse to love yourself. look in the mirror for so long that your face blurs and you see yourself become a monster.

4. refuse any love at all. when your mom tries to hug you, push her away because she doesn't understand.

5. write poems and wish you could show someone.

6. don't show anyone because they don't understand.

7. continue this process until there's a fire of rage burning inside you. shove it down for as long as you can,

8. believe that this is a burden you have to bear

9. bear it

10. bear it

11. become someone you've never met before. don't look in the mirror anymore.

12. smile although there is so much weighing down your lips

13. forget how to smile

14. forget how to love

15. forget how to feel