no matter how fine the feathers

none of it matters

if your wings are broken 

you will never be able to fly 

Do me a favor?

Stay gone awhile longer

Don’t rush right back

There’s more sights to see

So don't start to pack

Just a few more days?

Can you spare me that?

For I know when you return

So will that ache in my chest

How long will I wait?

For a chance just to chat?

A couple days? Weeks?

I can't handle that!

Back to your life –

Where I don't belong

Ignore how that feels?

I'm just not that strong

Please stay a bit longer?

Won't you let me pretend?

Since she's not there with you

It's my life that you're in?

Soon to be but a ghost

I accept I won't win

A heart –undisclosed

But with you I can't seem to

Grasp self control

So one last time I will ask

Won't you please stay away?

Doesn't have to be long

A few more smiles from your texts

It'd be worth just one more day

I was a Combat Medic in Iraq and witnessed more trauma on an almost daily/nightly basis than any one person should have to endure in their lifetime. Because of this, I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Many people do not understand what goes on inside the mind of someone with PTSD. This is my description of what it is like, inside my mind anyway, and hopefully it will give you a better understanding of what we go through. Some have it much worse than I do while others have it much better. No two people react the same way to the same event(s) and also remember that combat veterans are not the only ones who suffer from PTSD.

I picture my mind as a large open auditorium or gymnasium. Inside this open “room” are many, many areas that represent different aspects of my life. Inside each of these areas are bouncy balls that represent all of the events, both good and bad, that have happened to me throughout my life. These balls are all lightly bouncing in unison in their respective areas. These balls are also of varying sizes based on the event they represent.

There is only one entrance into this open area and at that door sits my brain. Every event that happens must enter through that door and be processed by the brain. Once it has been processed, it is sent to its respective area where it falls into unison bouncing with the other balls in that area. Depending on the event, the “processing” could be immediate or it could take some time to complete.

All of a sudden a traumatic event happens. Rather than coming through the door and stopping at the brain to be processed, this traumatic event busts through the door and starts bouncing with wreckless abandon all throughout the auditorium area. It may hit other balls in the different areas and cause them to start bouncing wildly and move out of their areas. The brain has shut down processing at the moment in order to handle the traumatic situation. For me as a medic, it was often working to recall life saving medical information.

The event has been taken care of and now the brain has the task of trying to get things in my mind under control and to properly process the big bouncing ball representing the most current traumatic event. Problem is, this ball has been bouncing around wildly for so long and has caused other balls to start bouncing around uncontrollably, that the brain is now overwhelmed and cannot process things properly. Then, because combat does not follow a set schedule, another traumatic event occurs causing even more chaos inside my mind.

I return home but I still have all of the events bouncing around uncontrollably in my mind and my brain is so overwhelmed that it cannot keep up to get things back in order. Life does not stop when you return from combat so the brain still is overwhelmed. This is why therapy is so important. For me, the therapy I am doing I view as it giving my brain a couple of bats. The therapy helps my brain to take these bats and swing at the wildly bouncing balls and knock them into their proper areas. It helps my brain to somewhat properly process these events from the past.

There is no “cure” for PTSD. There is only the ability to help contain it. Every now and then one of those big balls will get a mind of its own and start bouncing all over the place in my mind. But constant therapy helps my brain to take the bat and knock it back into place.