sound turned up

so loud

we can’t hear

our racing thoughts

over the roar

of blood rushing

through our ears.

i'm sorry i couldn't catch you

i'm sorry you had to fall

i know we're all told

that we can't save everyone

but i still feel

so responsible.

i'm an idiot who makes promises she knows she can't keep.

wades in until i'm waist deep

prays to whatever is above

that you'll have mercy on me

for breaking trust

and love.

hugging you tightly

i promised i'd always be there

but i'm an unintentional liar.

not your fault,

i promise,

because it feels to me so much like it's mine

that i can't imagine you don't feel the same.

but i had to step away

walk away

stay away.

save myself

then maybe save you.

a smile

trembling

on my face

hard fought

hard won

i can't help

but feel relief

because i've remembered

that normal is possible

only two days on the meds

just placebo, i know

but damn

i am grateful

for the lie

sunlight

hits my face

tears

roll down my cheeks

and i cry

not from panic

or fear

but because

i am happy

even for just

a split second.

a day

free of panic

i feel

the clouds lifting

i tilt my chin heavenward

and let the sun

stream in

deep breaths

let the tears come

just keep

breathing in

my chest

expands

and my mind

exhales

i have somehow

convinced my brain

that this hardship

is normal

but even

a small taste of myself

is enough

to shatter

that notion

deep breathing

lets me fill

my body

with life

again.

Carter was awoken by what he thought were the sounds of birds. That thought was quickly dismissed, however, since birds were one of the first things that disappeared almost 7 years ago. First the birds, then the animals of the land - all dying off mysteriously - followed by fresh water and the sun. It was still here, obviously, or we would all be dead, but it never reached its full peak in the sky anymore, and every day afterwards it rose lower and lower, until the one day it would stop rising completely.

The world was ending, there was no doubt about that. Somebody, somewhere up in the clouds had finally grown tired of the meer humans who continued to pollute their world. Every year for the past seven the world had taken a step back. It was the seven steps from the dawn of creation, but in reverse. The order was random, but there was no need for guessing anymore; the only step left was that the world would cease to exist. Humanity had used up its many chances and it was time to start over.

For years, people tried to ignore the signs. Like it wasn't odd that the meat section had become non-existent or that we haven't had a naturally occurring rainfall in almost 2 years.

Six years had passed of the start of destruction, and the total seven would be up in…

Carter felt his stomach drop out when he realized it would be seven years in seven days.

Seven days and then it would be all over.

Carter wanted to cry, scream or beg for more time, but he knew God had no more to give.

It had been surreal at first, knowing that the great power few confessed belief in was starting the steps of destruction. Maybe if they had started making changes sooner - at the first sign - things might have been different. But nothing changed until it was too late. The point of no return, it was.

Carter ran a hand over his worn face. It was an odd thought; knowing he'd never get older, he'd never get married or start a family, for God's sake he was going to be the only nineteen year old in the entire world who had never been kissed before. He'd had options - he wasn't that pathetic - but he'd turned them all down because he'd been waiting for one person. And now he was going to die before confessing his love.

He'd long ago accepted that he was a coward when it came to her. It wasn't like he didn't understand that this was the end - he'd already shared several goodbyes with his friends and former school mates, patched things up with his parents that couldn't be described as any less than difficult, and completed basically everything that was on his bucket list.

All he had left to do - all he wanted to do - was tell Amber how he had always felt about her.

But he couldn't.

God, he couldn't do anything when it came to her. Couldn't walk past her without getting red in the face. Couldn't hold a conversation with her that didn't end with him feeling embarrassed. Couldn't convince her that he wasn't crazy when he said the world was ending. Couldn't stop her from running away. Couldn't stop the car that hit her. Couldn't keep her heart from failing.

There wasn't a day that went by where he didn't think about that day.

He'd visit her grave, but he didn't know where it was. He hadn't even been allowed to attend her funeral, because apparently it was unethical for "disturbed" patients to go to their psychiatrists funeral.

Carter turned to look out his window; past the bars and stone walls that surrounded his prison was a world that didn't know it was ending.

Dr. Hana - Amber - hadn't believed him. No one did.

Not his parents, friends, or co-workers.

Did Carter even believe? Most days he did, when the nurses hadn't slipped him his "crazy" pills, but there had always been this small voice that just kinda wondered if Carter believed what he was saying.

Amber had called that voice "the real Carter," but Carter had stopped listening to it. Soon he'd prove the truth to himself.

He'd prove it to everyone.

When I am constantly busy,

I feel useless.

When I stop for a break,

I feel useless.

I'm not doing anything productive,

Whether I'm busy,

Or not.

Doing schoolwork,

Seems so pointless.

Writing,

Seems pointless,

Too.

I love writing,

And am resigned to school.

Time passing,

Is meaningless.

I am not part of this world.

So why care what happens in it?

Why try to change it?

Nothing is real.

Really,

What would happen if I just gave up?

Just let the world pass by.

It isn't like the world would cease to exist,

If I stopped trying.

It isn't like my trying,

Would do anything anyways.

Nothing will change;

Everything will stay the same.

Gods,

I don't even care.

I just seems so pointless,

To try to make life good,

When I don't really feel,

Like I am part of it.

It's not that important.

I'm not that important.

This writing,

Is actually,

Rather pointless.

Just another piece in the abyss,

Of countless pieces in this world.

It isn't that important.

I'm not that important.

Just another in the abyss.

Pointless.

Ruby heels clashing

checkered floors,

Your spear-azure eyes

pierce me at

the door.

What a delight,

pauses-

in your frosty

pink breath.

Each checkered

tile,

a mile.

Let us

rebel

this barrier for bleak hearts.