Mom
I try to forgive. I try harder than I've ever tried, but my horrid twisted tiny heart stretches and groans with the attempt. I can conceal the past and speak like I am your daughter and not a shell of a woman with a heart glued together again and again from the scars of your words, but inwardly I hate myself for the deceit. I've always been good at hiding my feelings, so that you will never know my true thoughts as I smile and speak with the respect you earn as my mother. Maybe it is because I don't want to be like you, and the only way I can avoid the raging and the outbreaks of anger is by turning off all my emotions. You call me insensitive, but I am doing it so that I don't hurt anybody. I won't let them take control of me like you do. I would rather disperse them to the wind than let one boil up and explode against people I love, and even people I must try to love—like you.
Sometimes I think I have forgiven you, and then I applaud myself for finally having gotten over years of hurt. And then something happens—it's the little things, now, that's how bad it's gotten—and I tense and I remember and it hurts again. But I keep smiling and I keep answering you with the respect a daughter must give to her mother, and I don't let you know, because if I did it would open a cavern of anguish and pain and resentment. I would rather forget than remember. And that is why I must forgive, and keep on forgiving. And maybe someday I will be free of it enough to reply with truth that I love you back when you say you love me.
Vorfreude
Vorfreude
i was anticipating rainbow colors fill my life.
red was supposed to be my lehenga,
fluttering & radiating as much as your smile, and roses
but now red is your blood, flooding my thoughts on anxious nights,
i know you are gone,
our love was like a burning garden,
it’s spreading and sophisticated
dreamy but destroying,
gleaming but gloomy
yellow was supposed to be the daisy & dandelion flowers,
decorating my home, and yellow jumpsuit when i first met you, the sunny days, when we would sit on the terrace, sipping tangy orange juice,
but yellow is the shirt which you wore in the hospital room when i last saw you,
i know you are gone
our love was like a burning garden
it’s bright but bitter
pleasing but painful
tempting but terrifying
orange was autumn, warm like your poetry floating on my thoughts
miranda orange soda, and the clicks of your polaroid camera,
the bright lipgloss, which you would have got for me,
but now orange is my journal, where I write my agony
i wish you could see it
i know you are gone
our love was like a burning garden
it’s dazzling but distressing
magnificent but miserable
fancy but flickering
green was supposed to be Christmas and Eid, surrounding our home,
you remember the small green plant you potted with a time capsule,
the surreal streets, we were dancing just like La La Land,
but green is now you’re memories, like dried autumn leaves,
my empty prayers, my worship, my faith, my last wish,
i know you are gone
our love was like a burning garden
it’s happy but haunting
satisfying but silly
lovely but lightning
pink was the memories we build together on camelia dawn
and reflections of your window glass, it was pastel-like small stickers on your guitar,
my hair was pink when I meet you
But now it's pitch black like midnights when I lost you
I know you are gone
Our love was like a burning garden
It's very vivacious but vicious
exciting but eccentric
black is concealing the memories,
and I thought of making my home with you,
where tranquility prevails in our terrace,
heavenly hill will bless us with spring flowers, cherry blossoms will wake us up,
it would have been like a Disney movie,
but the book of you and i decided to end on an empty page,
but now i am tired
of searching you like a star, in pitch darkness, a sweet little tear for you, the black hairband you had left,
you had taught me to make an eyeliner wing, that has washed away,
i know you are gone
Our love was like a burning garden,
it’s like breathing carbon, it’s a slow death,
it’s fear but you were so dear,
i don’t care if i settle down like the rainbow after this flood.
Vorfreude