i wish i could cry at night

and it not be about you

for once in my life perhaps,

i wanted to feel something too.

i wonder why i must carry with me

all the mistakes that you made.

nobody but us know, these scars are signed

with the letters of your name

and how do you explain to a child

that her mother can’t be saved?

i’ve got so much love to give

but the truth is,

it’s yours that i craved.

It's hard to breathe here,

You’re suffocating in toxicity.

You try to blink back tears and can taste their salt,

wounds may heal but scars remember their own pain.

You want escape so you seek refuge in the safe corners of your brain.

You feel yourself slipping deeper but you fight back and at times,not only survive- you thrive.

But you know this will be short-lived,

For the shadows

always creep back in- stealing the light,

And you’re dragged back down into darkness like night,

Into those places where the pain runs deep,

Into memories like nightmares that won't allow you to sleep.

When I’m talking to her, really talking to her…

I’m talking to myself. My younger-self,

and trying to say the things I’d want to have said to me, if I were her.

I’m trying to be the parent I needed. So I try to be the parent that she needs,

to improve myself to help her improve.

This is love. Unconditional. Pure.

Soiled only by the demons that have crept on my back,

I keep pushing them back;

The ghosts and voices of the dead and the damned, the righteous and the grand…

All take a stand.

She is not me. She is everything I am and could be,

and so much more.

I worry for what lies ahead on the other side of Future's door.

It’s not a pretty world, I say. As I try to explain to her,

Well maybe it is, it can be.

I’m not without fault. I’ve made my mistakes along the way,

Perhaps that’s why I’m more forgiving of hers,

I’d have needed more forgiveness when I look at my younger-self,

so I will give it now for her.

And in turn, I see myself through her eyes,

And hear myself through her words.

She mirrors to me, what I can work on within,

She challenges me,

my friend and my kin.

It's gone, the world as we know it is over. We have lost all electricity, forever, everything gone. Chaos arises everywhere, there is no stopping the rampage, the fighting, the stealing, the killing, the intensity of not knowing where your next meal will come from. Yet here I am, snuggled in at home. Alone, except for the company of my cats. Do I really need much else? I have my cats and I have my yarn. All day, until the sun goes down, I crochet and cuddle with my cats. The hundreds of blankets, clothes, and stuffed animals keep me warm and snuggled in tight. Time flies by. This is something I have dreamed of for years, this is something I enjoy. Alone, at home, with my cats and my yarn.