please don't

forget me.

because if the

memories of

me die,

i shall

perish

with them.

Cell.

Ce ll

Cell. Cell.

And so on until the unknown

turns into a complete deuterostome,

until your midbrain forebrain hindbrain

meld together to create a aching pain

for your mother and she wonders

Worriedly

If pregnancy is supposed to hurt

And she hesitantly clicks, "Search"

And the answers overwhelm her and she

starts to fear your birth.

But fear is only human and she's a tough woman

So Mom goes to the club

for just one night

and drinks herself into ruin.

God, child bearing is stressful.

Cell.

Cellcellcellcellcellcelcelcelcelcecececcccccccc

Kick. It kicked.

You're a slimy bodybag with a heartbeat now

Your weight is putting her under duress now

Her back is sore and she's bloated more

This stupid baby's turned me into a mess now.

Nightly escapades cross over an easily traversable bridge

Until once a month becomes once a week becomes every other day

Yeah, mom, I'm okay, it's okay.

Third trimester and daydrinking gives way to twilight smoking

God, this thing hurts so bad but this cigarette hurts so good.

cellcell

cellcell

cellcel

l

cellcellcellcellcellcellcellcell

cellcell

cellcell

cel lce

llc ell

cel lcel

lcell

It's... it's not supposed to look like that. Is it?

You're finally out of your prison,

but you can't tell by your vision.

You can tell you're free because your head is clear of the toxins you've lived in.

Well.

You can't tell anything.

Vocal cord damage, arrhythmia, apnea.

Will it...he, be fine?

Not sure, but he's running out of time. We'll let you know, ma'am, by the end of the night.

That was a long journey, from inception to conception

and every part of it was a part

you both detested.

Now you're free of her

and she of you

So many minutes with her,

but really, so few.

before you go,

hand me a

needle,

pass me

some thread.

maybe then

i can stitch

up the hole

you're going

to be

leaving

in my

heart.

love, pain, truth,

they all reflect

off one another.

love causes

pain, and

that’s the

truth.

this love is

going to self

destruct.

you love me,

you hate me,

i love you,

i hate you.

the thought

of you triggers

panic,

but i mistake

the way it

makes my

heart race

for attraction.

the end is

inevitable,

it will be messy.

but let's hold

on.

or...

maybe we

should

end things now.

but i can't.

we're fused

into one,

you are me

and i am you.

we know

every part

of each other's

souls,

we pick them

apart,

we destroy them.

this love

is dead,

but our

shared hate

keeps up afloat.

hand me the

gun,

pass me the

knife,

throw me

a bottle of pills.

there's only one

way to end this,

and i'm taking

you down

with

me.

my dreams

usually disappear

the moment

i wake up.

the mental

cinema behind

my closed

eyes swings

its curtains

shut.

occasionally

though,

i can salvage

tattered portions,

parts of

a storyline

that didn't

make sense.

they are half

there,

only illuminated

by moonlight.

i stitch them

together,

a quilt of

imagination

and memory.

they are butterflies

in a net.

i temporarily

have them,

but if i

let go they away

will

float

It takes me 20 minutes

to wash my face every night

1. Benzoyl Peroxide

2. Tretinoin

3. Clindamycin

4. Moisturizer

5. Lip balm

Am I a real girl now?

I spent 2 hours

learning provocative dances

because boys like that shit

and a boyfriend is

step 1 to fitting in

Am I a real girl now?

I went skiing

and on the lift

I complained about the cold

and my skin

and how fat my jacket made me look

Am I a real girl now?

I choked down

half a teaspoon of vinegar

to speed up my metabolism

because that's what models do

Am I a real girl now?

I look at my phone

and pretend someone's texting me

(when I'm really just playing word games)

Am I a real girl now?

I giggle

and used the words 'like' and

'hot' as much as possible

Am I a real girl now?

I heard you trash talk our friend

to a stranger

and I turned away

and kept on smiling

knowing I've been that friend before

Am I a real girl now?

Now my waist is the size of a toothpick?

And my sentences all start with 'sorry'?

Am I a real girl now?

Yesterday, I thought.

Today, I think.

Probably an illusion.

But this peace, would be forever.