Happy birthday to whomever has a birthday today or one

yet to come later on in the year.

Always be grateful to see another day - some people went to sleep last night but never woke up this day. A year older we grow, as birthday after birthday comes and goes. One season will change into another, and the youthful vibrant hairs over time may turn to grey,

but as my birthday approaches,

I hope to celebrate life and being born, sent to my family and friends. I'll spend time

with them all as we prepare to pray as thanks for life, and I set out on a mission to somehow perfectly cut the cake. All the while basking in their company while we stuff our faces with peanut ice-cream, red velvet cake, and a room filled to the brim with laughter, conversation and joyous cheer.

If tomorrow my time was unlimited, what would I do?

I'd probably read books,

write stories and play to my

heart's content, affirmatively

yes, possibly until I'm full.

I'd always go through a day

with a mind grounded on

things I want to do but when

unfulfilled they be, I shamelessly

like a 6 month old baby avoid sleep to try to see if I could hold on to the day without sleep interrupting me. But if in this fantasy of boundless time in this natural tomorrow there would be, it'd be interesting to see if I actually complete all these things that I long to do or just sleep.

Perhaps she's a talented actress or in need of some work; doesn't affect the fact that I love her so much. Sometimes she's so obvious it can hurt - 99% of the time, she's painfully obvious. Even when she's worried about something, she'll tell me it's nothing though it clearly is...something,

Or she'll just accept a hug and kiss on her cheek with smiling face even though what she may want is some cash and a day to herself, where she can buy

some clothes, pretty shoes and accessories for Mother's day or her birthday when she's celebrated.

What will I say to this person?

If I manage to go over there?

Start talking, chatting

in my quest to make a friend?

Be more active, more strong-minded

That’s what I try to tell myself

but this feeling I get inside my chest

I succumb, I’m overwhelmed.

The thoughts they are there

In my mind thus the negativity spreads

From my mind to my body to my heart

Then ultimately to my legs.

This, it does, thus breaking apart

Any courage I’ve arranged

to start moving with a positive will

Towards making a change.

Make a change, be the one

who shouts “Enough is Enough!”

Oh! How I wish to make a better person

of myself, but the road’s going to be rough!

Still, yet, I’ll stand and say…

Dear fear, these words are for you.

And your partner,anxiety

deserves to hear them too.

Listen! I know we’ve been together

for many years!

But I’ve come to the conclusion that

this affair we’ve got going,

has to come to an end!

I once thought you two were protecting me

by keeping me from getting hurt

but thankfully, I now realize that you both

were only holding me back.

There’s a myriad of things I want to do

In order to go after them,

I have to be rid of the both of you.

Now then, in recognition of our

relationship’s death;

These last few words, I leave you:

Au revoir! Adieu! Goodbye! I will not miss you!

I could have sworn

I came down the stairs

for something or the other

but if I did,

I'd probably lose my head. Because as soon as I leapt

off that last step, I had

already forgotten

the reason why I came.

Marching feet travelling up

the smooth staircase, with crunched eyebrows and pouty lips; a confused face I wear.

I plant one foot on the bed

In a classic thinking man pose,

I squint my eyes and my mind says, "Okay! I made it up to my

room again! Now, try to remember

what you forgot to get

when you were already downstairs."

Okay so...let’s review. Principle 1: Develop sincere interest in other people. Well, that’s a lot easier said than done, book called Win Friends and Influence People. I mean, I’ve tried this with my older brother and it just...it just didn’t go well. Trying to strike up a conversation with him, as the opportunity presented itself in the form of him unannounced and nonchalantly barging into my bedroom.

Stock-still as a Ken doll, he stood there staring at me without saying a word. I've got to admit, I was taken aback to that one horror film, or maybe it’s every horror film, where the creature just stands there staring at the person...Ugh! It still gives me the chills just thinking about it.

Upon somewhat recovering from the sudden scare, I was able to ask, “S-s-so brother...h-h-h-how...how was your day?” It was terrifying and furthermore, embarrassing because he said nothing in response to my question and physically…did a 180 degree turn right out of the room. It was the most unnatural thing I had ever seen but then again, this was my older brother – he always does weird things like this. I know Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. is famous for saying this quote: “I have a dream…” (and yes, trust me I fully support it) but honestly, the only dream I’m thinking of right now is that I’m genuinely hoping the younger one doesn’t follow in the older one’s footsteps. That. Would be. A nightmare. If he did! I shudder just thinking about it, as much as I do when watching actual Hollywood Blockbuster Horror Films.

Often, I’d just sit and seriously wonder “How are we related? I mean, he must be adopted, right? I feel like I should have a serious discussion with dad sometime and voice my concerns because I’m telling you, something...something’s just not right with that boy! Honestly it boggles the mind. At this point, I’m...I’m fed up so it’s either I talk with dad, or get an exorcist to do away with my older brother’s abnormal behavior, or maybe hire some scientists to uncover just how we’re related because this relationship we have –that we’re related-does nothing to help with my socialization skills or confidence for that matter. All in all, I’m afraid that if I develop sincere interest in others, they might develop sincere interest in me, my bizarre self, also known as, cringey and this bizzaro family I’ve got here. So no!

Moving on to Principle 2: Smile. Now, smiling might be a bit tricky for me. For as long I could remember I’ve always had a resting face. Expressionless. Unless, I get scared out of my wits, as mentioned in what shall henceforth only be referred to and hopefully only remembered as ‘The Older Brother Incident’ even though I’m positive there are more horrific incidents like ‘The Older Brother Incident’ to come. However, this is a must for the sake of my sanity as a 19 year old girl in a house full of men. Translation, my older brother, younger brother and my dad. All this, while preparing myself for life as a university student in a matter of weeks. That’s basically the reason why I’m studying. Making myself ready for the next level of testing in my life- overcoming social situations and ‘very likely’ public awkwardness, if adequate or otherwise desperate lengths, like this, are not taken to remedy this condition, namely, anxiety, hence my use of this book. But really though…smiling? I think I’d have to devote a lot of time to practice so that I don’t scare people away. I mean, right now, I think a horror movie can be made from my smile. No joke! I even scared myself while practicing in the mirror earlier today. Yeah, this confirms my suspicion, alright. This was not going to be a simple walk in the park.

Next, Principle 3: Always remember people’s names. Well yeah, of course…a normal person should remember people’s names but… what if you’re not the standard definition of normal, what then? Because normally, I completely suck at remembering names and thus far, there hasn’t been a time when that’s not been true. Oh, what to do about this? I don’t think this is going to work out well for me at all.

Hmm, then there’s Principle 4: Become a good listener. Um-hum, well…Isn’t this just perfect?! I’m not only awfully talented at not remembering stuff but listening well too. I’ve convinced myself that it’s a gift. Au naturel! That’s how skilled I am at this. The usual thing, for example, is when I am sent to do the grocery shopping for my family and they send me off without writing a grocery list, and by the time I step out the door going on my merry way, I’ve forgotten what they told me to buy and then I’m left with no other choice but to suck up my pride, go back inside the house and ask them to tell me again what they’ve sent me for. Beautiful, isn’t it? My life!

And now, Principle 5: Talk about the interests of the other person.This feels like a no-go along with the final principle…Principle 6: Sincerely make the other person feel important. Instead of important, I think I might help them to feel a little creeped out, though. I may not remember that well but I definitely remember that trying to do something like this did not bode well for me in my primary school days. All I did was talk to a child in my class, apparently she was ‘creeped out’ for life and that, you know, that…that was it. That was all I needed to do to lose my best friend. Don’t blame her, alright! It wasn’t her fault. After all, it was the first time she had ever seen my smile, on top of that, it was the first time she ever heard my voice. Why? Why, you ask? Because I was a quiet child. Shy. That’s why! So, the lesson learnt is that when you try to talk with your classmates or other human beings outside of your usual chit-chat with your family, immediate and extended, older brother excluded, you just know that things are bound to get interesting…less interesting…school life.

The thing about having anxiety is that when I’m in a situation where I have to talk to other people, I panic. My heart beats a mile a minute. My mind goes blank so that I have no idea what I should say. Whether I’m talking to a male or female, this always happens- never ceasing to amaze me at how consistent it is. In those times, I sit in deep reflection on myself as an individual and I ponder, if there's a reason as to why I am this way and not like everyone else who seems to have this socializing thing down flat. For me, as of right now, I’m nothing but downright frustrated. I feel like it’s not gonna be easy for someone like me to make friends and keep them over the long run. Forget about influencing people, I might not be able to be a social worker which is what I want to pursue once I go to university this year. How can I? When a social worker is supposed to be someone who helps people cope with whatever challenges they are encountering. How can I do it when I can’t even handle my own? Oh, God! Ugh! Help me!

This, I said, as I leaned into the palm of my hands while seated in the best secluded area I could find in the self-help aisle of my favorite bookstore… Serving You Bookstore- the best in my neighborhood and my go-to friend for any situation like this, that I need help with.

Wary, having stayed for what’s been over an hour now in the bookstore, I sit thinking about my hardships, and desperately seeking an answer as to how I’m ever going to survive in the new world of being a university student. I’m thinking about the future too, where once I’ve completed university and gotten a job, in the world of adults I’ll be expected to be an expert at doing things, and that terrifies me because it perfectly describes that which I am not. From where I’m sitting, the future looks bleak. I just know I’m going to flunk at surviving in this world. I’m sure I’m going to be an outcast but I really don’t want to be. I just want to be normal. Ugh! What do I have to do to be normal, hmm?!

Having no other way to release what’s been building up inside me ever since starting this challenge of seeking change, so that I, Alexia Burkham, would never be the same person again, I cried in my disappointment with myself. Ah! This feeling, it must be exhaustion. I said this, as I abruptly drifted off into sleep, keeling to the floor.

After some time passed, upon waking up, I scanned the room as best I could. Looked at myself, then at what appeared to be a patient across from me. I looked at myself again. Wait! What’s going on here? What is this? Where am I? Am I in the hospital? But how and why?

Almost instantaneously, a white blur entered the room. Hold on, what is that? Oh right, my glasses! A doctor? That’s a doctor right? Oh Good! A doctor! Maybe I can get some clarification from him about what’s happened to me. Struggling to adjust myself on the bed after reaching for my glasses from the tiny table beside me, as I was about to open my mouth to ask “Doc, what happened to me?” He approached me, interrupting before I could finish my sentence saying, “So you’re the one?”

What! What does that mean?

“Let me ask you..why are you here?” “What’s been going on with you recently?”

Bothering me was the fact that, though he was asking me questions about myself, it felt like he already knew the answers. “Umm, nothing really!” I paused, our gazes met. I felt the awkwardness, averted my gaze upwards to the ceiling then continued, “I mean, I’ve just been a little worn out lately. A little stressed that’s all.”

“Why? About university…you’re wondering how you’re gonna manage there since you’re what you call socially awkward?”

Wow! Hold up! How did he know that? I know I said nothing about that! Wait, did he..?

“Hey doc, by any chance, are you a ---?” He responded quickly without any hesitation, interrupting me once again before I could finish my sentence.

“Stop, what you’re thinking.”

“No! No, I’m not. I am an angel actually.” I stopped for a minute in disbelief, then it hit me that I was thinking of something much more unrealistic than what he had just said only about 2-3 seconds ago, so I remarked, “ Oh, wow! You are, huh?…that’s cool!

“But,” he continued, “I am sent by someone you knew but have long forgotten by now…sadly.” Slightly tilting my body to the side of my hospital bed in child-like bewilderment and wide open eyes I said “Who? Who did I forget about?” I inquired, looking in his direction so that he could fill in the blank for me.

“God! But he sent me to you on this day, on behalf of your mother.”

“Her last pleas to God were to save you when you needed it most, at the time that she was alive…struggling with cancer, and it just so happens that that day is today.”

“Today, you need it because it is high time you get to know yourself. Your true self! Before something, much worse than this happens later on and it costs you your life.”

Wanting to have my full attention, so that I’d fully grasp the significance of every statement that came out of his mouth, he said, “You should know, Alexia…you are not as you have been thinking of yourself for all these years leading up to this moment.”

Don’t be deceived. You are actually strong, brave, loving, kind. Do you remember? Your favorite verse?…Philippians 4:13 - “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

“Oh yeah!” with a soft tone I mustered up my courage saying, “From the Bible. I remember now.”

“Here’s what I want you to remember from now on, Alexia.”

“Don’t let yourself be inhibited by fear anymore.”

“You are going to step up to the challenge of university and knock everyone’s socks off…like the boss that you are.” He tucked his head in towards his chest, out of what I can only assume was immediate embarrassment and regret, and mumbled softly, but audibly, “Ugh! I should not have said that!”

“Forget the last part of that sentence, alright!

“I just meant that you will do a good job, okay?”

I chuckled upon hearing him say that and responded, “Oh! Don’t worry about it! It’s ok..I get what you mean you know and you’re right, that’s how I should be because that’s who I am!”

With a smile on his face, he replied to my comment saying,“Good! I’m glad!”.

“Also…Alexia, I just want to leave you with this last thing I say, “Remember, God loves you very much and your mom…your mom loves you too. Don’t ever forget that, okay?”

“Yes. I won’t. I’ll remember everything you’ve said to me here today…forever. It means a lot to me.”

With fists tightly clenched and pushed slightly in the air, intending to empower me, he said, “Try your best at everything. You can do it. We know you can and we hope you know that too.”

Raising my fists in the air just as his fists were with my eyes only slightly turned away from his direction, I responded “Um-hum, yeah! I can do it! I’m gonna stay cool, stay calm and conquer university life! I’m not gonna let fear stop me. Not any more! If I make mistakes, I’m just gonna learn from them. I’m human after all so… they’re bound to happen…and… that’s okay.”

“Okay, we’re good! I think I feel totally pumped!”

Turning my head back in his direction, “Thanks, d--.” I paused momentarily as I realized that the doctor had disappeared just as I was turning my head back in his direction after delivering the monologue I just did.

“Woah! He’s gone already! But into thin air though. Amazing! Anyhow, it’s okay if he’s gone now. He successfully completed his mission from God and that’s all that matters in the end.” I closed my eyes, bowed my head and prayed this in my heart silently while only my lips moved as I said each word:

“Dear, God. Thank you for intervening in my life. I really needed to hear those words and the visitation too, was truly amazing! Thanks for that! Also, I’m sorry for those times when I’ve neglected you or forgotten about you. I won’t do that from now on. Forgive me. And mom…I’m glad you gave her to me as my mother. It’s great to know that I had someone wonderful like that in my life who always prayed for me, even though I never made time to say or make clear how much I loved her when she was alive. I regret that! I regret not saying the things I should say to the people that I love while they’re here but things are going to be different from now on. I’m going to talk more, live more and love even more. I’m even willing to give my older brother a chance. Yes, I should and I will, and other people too. So in the end, thank you for giving me the strength to move on from all the bad experiences and live differently…more positively now. Bless you, my mom and my family. In Jesus name, Amen

Miraculous May,

A month of blooms, new life warmth;

Yielding, I'm in awe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Music to mine ears.

Arise now! Beauty hath come!

Yon rays shine nigh, abroad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marvelous, work done!

Aimed at wonders to bring joy,

Your thoughts, God, produced this month.

The hardest thing about life

might just be

hoping for something and

getting disappointed when

it doesn't happen;

loving someone

and getting heartbroken

when they don't feel

the same as you do;

And caring or suffering by

means of sacrificing for

others and they don't happen

to appreciate what you've

done for them or continually do.

Hard circumstances often

come by positive virtues.

Yes, I, just like

everyone else I feel, have

experienced them,

sometimes emotionally

damaging for sure. They can

ache but I ponder

where would we be without

them? Would life be better

lived without...

No. I think however much they hurt, life without these virtues

would be much too depressing,

so mustering courage to be

optimistic, let's press on!

ee

Though a gorgeous princess

with flaming red hair, thought

to have everything, name's...

Ariel. She sang that she

wanted to be part of their world,

but a mermaid was she. Her

world was supposed to be limited to the water - human,

am I, so what about me?

Usually, the shy reserved cautious type, a human being,

I live on land. But am often held back by overthinking, often caught in a web fear has carefully weaved in my own head for my destruction. Broke through a majority of the webbing, that held me captive, by finding my break-through, Jesus Christ, savior to me right as I needed him then and there. Some webbing still here, links attached remain but day by day, I resolve to not quit - to take part, be part of my world. Socialize interact with other humans, I ought not be afraid, whatever it is. I'll live as I want to...I'll live for God. This is my world, I live in it, I'll take part, live my life too...I'll live it the best I can.

When I look at art pieces

or any other form of art,

I don't just look,

I stare at them.

Several minutes fly by,

however little or not at all

do I notice that.

With tilted head and widened

eyes, I consider, "How cool!

How did they manage to

create this masterpiece?!"

I find myself smiling

bright white and giggling,

"I'm moved by your work!

I had lost my hope of achieving

this dream but nice going...

thanks to you, artist I do not

know, your work has re-lit a

fire under me!

So I'll get up

though I had fallen to depths

hope couldn't reach and try

again to aspire, an artist I'll be. When others lay eyes

on my work, it's desired

they'd feel inspiration

rising up inside of them

like today you've done for me.