I came across this in my old notes tonight. I can hardly reconize the person I used to be. I am so grateful to have found myself and my worth. Reading it doesn't make me sad or long for things to have been different. It actually makes me more proud of the woman I am today.

Go ahead stuff your mind with all kinds of thoughts, feelings and unspoken emotions and not share them with me, so that you can pull them out to beat me with them all at once. Or better yet, slowly let them chip away bits of what we have left. Slowly push me away as you always do. You no longer want to heal what you have broken, instead you throw salt in the wounds.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm fighting so hard for. Then I hear your voice telling me that no one else would ever want me. Your words have tortured me and have held me captive. You have taken myself worth and grated it like cheese on the pizza that you have devoured. And still I try to be who you want me to be, all while knowing I will never be that person or enough for you.

So sleep well on that pillow tonight, as I know the only heart that is breaking and the only tears that are falling will be mine. But listen carefully to what I about to say and let it serve as a warning to you. There will soon come a day when you will reach for me and all you will feel is the chill in the air. No longer will my warm tears of desperation fall for you and at that point it will be too late, because I will be gone forever.

3-21-2014

A miniature version of myself dove into my third eye tonight. I could feel myself falling as I was surrounded in darkness, followed by streaks of white light. Falling fast the light flickered like a strobe lights from a rave.

Then I began to see colors. I watched as they changed from purple, blue, green yellow, and orange. Before finding myself cradled in red. Looking up I could see in the distance all of the colors I had just passed through. My heart was beating fast, as I laid still trying to adjust to my surroundings.

It was though each color was a part of me, a different level of my personality. I could even see a blurry image of myself moving within them. I was still laying there observing the moment, when I realized just how much of myself that I have been concealing from the my outside world and from others. I want to be who I am right now. The version of me that is within my current view! Only, I don’t know how. The words that I say hardly every express all of the ways I really feel. There is so much more to me than I can verbalize. Yet in here there are no words. I see only abstract imagery leaving me feeling so completely understood. This is a language of my own design. If I could communicate with others through images, then they understand. They would see that there is still so much more to me than what they’ve seen so far. I could show them who I really am.

Then suddenly all the redness surrounding me started to brighten and I felt myself being lifted. Only this time I was moving much slower than before. It was like being on a elevator slowly moving as I watched myself living within each color. Each becoming brighter and brighter as I passed. Orange... yellow... green... blue... purple... and then my miniature body was thrusted through a portal of gold coming from the top of my head landing on the ground in front of me.

I picked myself up and held her gently in the palm of my hand. And just as I lifted her close to my face to get a better view, I saw her smile back at me. Then right before my eyes she disappeared leaving me with everything I needed.