So I got bored yesterday, and I decided to look through my old writing files from high school (which means it's like three to four years old), and OH BOY. It is something. Here are the highlights:

1. I've used my current main character's name before. Her first name in one story, and her last name in another. The first time they were used together was in late 2019, but for a very different character with a very different purpose. So that was interesting, and it serves as an example of one of the many things I recycled and slapped into my current project.

2. Literally all of my characters were neurodivergent-coded subconsciously. There was inattentive ADHD, hyperactive ADHD, OCD, anxiety, and gifted kid syndrome. I didn't even try to make them like that. I just wrote a character that I saw as a normal character. And now with about four years of knowledge acquired through experience, I realize why all my writing was trash: I was projecting, lol.

3. I have written approximately 50,000 useless words. I am shook that I have a novel's worth of writing under my belt, even if it's all trash. But then again, it's not really trash—there is value in looking at it and realizing how I've improved.

Maybe some other time I'll post my favorite quotes from my old stuff. Even though it's bad, there are some lines that still stick the landing and made me laugh.

If the amount of years

and drops of tears

give you fears,

you still shouldn't give

your will to live;

and to yourself?

Forgive.

Hatred is a plague

that starts off vague

and will slowly begin to drag

all your joy

in it's awful ploy

to destroy

your sense of worth

and your purpose on earth.

But with your rebirth

a new time has come

where the earth will drum

to your soul's new hum

and you will fight

with all your might

within your plight

to survive

all they have contrived.

to stay alive

"What is this?" He asked.

"Oh, that- um… you found that," I said.

"I did. Is it…"

"Oh, um… I don't know."

"You don't know."

"Nope!"

"This is mine."

"Well, you did give it to me."

"But this part, this is my hair, I never gave you that."

"Well… yes."

"I suppose it's needed to work?"

"Yeah."

"And do you… you know; or, well, what I mean is, what do you do with it?"

"Oh, um… it depends."

"It depends?" That was the first hint of emotion he'd shown, the rest of it was actually very calm, or, nonreactionary. Is that a word? I was actually kind of hopeful. You know, that maybe… well, I guess I figured he wouldn't be too okay with finding his voodoo doll, but I guess I didn't really prepare for this sort of scenario actually. By all means, it was never really supposed to be found by anyone.

"Um, what were you doing in here?" I tried to make it nonaccusitory. Is that a word? It didn't work.

"Here? Like in your house? Cos you invited me here, I didn't know I was supposed to shield my eyes from your room as I ya know, pass by on my way to the freakin restroom."

Maybe I'd left it out. To be fair, this was close to the time he was supposed to be here. But to be fair again, the other way, it was two days away. Or, no, one. It was like him to want to, I don't know, surprise me? Did he still do surprises? Not really surprises, actually. Or, he didn't think so anyways. I know him. He just does a thing and is all yeah I did this why not ya know? But to other people, it can surprise them, shock them a bit sometimes. That's okay. I know him. He'd come around to the doll. I just needed to handle it correctly.

"I didn't mean that, I'm sorry, I thought you would be here… later, I guess."

"So that's when you'd show me, or maybe you were planning on just keeping it a secret."

I looked away. I didn't want it to go like this, I didn't want him to be angry. All the times we talked he was never angry. I thought seeing each other would start with a hug. It's not like I could get rid of it.

"Well, I don't know how to, you know… undo it. Like, without hurting you."

That worked. His temples softened, he looked away. Then back at the doll in his hands.

"When you hold it-"

"Him." Why did I do that? I could have just let him go on, and he looked surprised, but not angry anymore. Which was good. "I mean, it is you, too."

"You hold him by his left arm don't you?"

I looked at the doll, he was right. So it did work. I mean… I figured it did, but I didn't really have confirmation, not all the time, anyways. Hard to tell if he's reacting to it or something else when we did video calls. I nodded. He fiddled with it a bit, probably trying to feel it.

"You can't use him on yourself, it won't work. Someone else has to do it. I don't know. Maybe it won't work now that you know about it? I didn't read much about it."

"Didn't read much about it. Playing with my safety and you didn't read up on it." He was back to the calm tone he usually had… practiced. He practiced that tone. I know him.

"Well it… it wasn't really meant for… to be actually real anyways. He was more for, um… you know… me."

He was silent for a bit. He had his calm facade, but I saw past Those details. I know him. He was processing, I could see his gears turning, then they clicked into place, and I saw him understand.

I needed him. And he hadn't been there, but I still needed him. Even when there were others.

He turned the doll over in his hands a few times, "This is really intricate. He has all the fingers."

"You have all your fingers."

"He has balls?"

I might've blushed, "So do you."

"No toes though."

"You know how I am about feet."

He nodded. Set it on my dresser. That's where it had been, I remember now. I set him up to watch, like I would do on our video calls, only we hadn't done a video call that morning. I was rushed a bit for work, probably forgot him sitting there. Or, well, I must have, since he found him there.

"So," he put his hands in his pockets, he wasn't ready to see me yet, "back to: what do you do with him? I know you said it depends, just a short list."

This made me uncomfortable. It shouldn't have, the doll was him, and he was standing right in front of me, so it should've been easy. At that moment though, I realized it wasn't really really him, and I felt voyer-ish, like everything I'd done to him, I mean, the doll, had been done to him while sleeping or something. "Um, I dunno. I sleep with it, mostly. I like to trace my fingers along its arm. Sometimes I pinch it a little, not hard or anything, just that thing you do with skin sometimes. Uh, I dunno, I've showered with it, um… I set him up like I do with my phone on our video calls. I dunno, sometimes he just stays in the drawer."

He nodded slowly, "So you've never, like, used needles on it or hurt it or anything like that?"

I shifted my weight, trying to think, did I ever do anything like that? Maybe in the beginning. "Uh, well… um…"

"Okay, so you have. I'm still here, so it's fine. I'm just curious, I wanna know if I've felt it."

Those words. Fine. Curious. He stood there with his hands in his pockets, still waiting. I could see it in his eyes, all he wanted was the truth, some honesty. I know him. "Okay, so, I've never wanted to kill you or, like, permanently harm you you know? I got it from my grandma right after we, um… you know. So I was a little upset. And I get upset sometimes, you know that. And sometimes I'd get upset with you. I don't know, I've thrown him before. I've sat on him. I used to squeeze his wrists really hard. I've never put pins in him, I was always too scared to do that. Most of the time it's just yelling at him or crying on him. I'll bite him sometimes. I-" I almost told him about the time I peed on it a little, but it was just one time, and as I'd been telling him the list, it was feeling weirder and weirder, so I decided to stop, and I could feel some mistiness behind my contacts, so I looked away. He took his hands out of his pockets finally, and wrapped me in a hug. I felt swallowed by his arms and chest, he was warm, and he wrapped his own universe around my body and shut out the entire world. Everything we'd just talked about, it didn't matter. All that time away, it didn't matter. Every time I'd done anything that made me feel guilty, it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Nothing existed. Nothing ever existed. Existence was this warm, cozy pressure with a rhythmic pulse, and there had never been anything else. I spent a lifetime there, suspended in a comfortable state of numb timelessness.

The warmth and pressure slowly subsided, and I was confused at first at the sight of a foreign alien world, then realized it was my room. He was standing in front of me, holding my shoulders gently. What had we just been talking about? I don't remember, we never talked about it again.

Stupid boys

Stupid joy

How do they do it to me

No more noise

I'm not your toy

For you to use

Completely

Leave my head

It's Not your bed

Only use it to sleep

No more games

I feel insane

Hit my thousandth sheep

Dirty names

Under picture frames

Wonder if you hear me

Calling out

From the crowd

Know you heard what I said

Now no regrets

Cannot be so

I've gone too far here lately

And I know

I need to go

But where would they accept me?

Little fawn, is Mother coming soon?

How still you lean against the wooden gate.

Soon the sun will fall; enter the moon.

So small, with speckled coat, and all alone,

left to hide, avoiding dreadful fate.

Little fawn, is Mother coming soon?

The longer days are here; it’s late in June,

but nighttime’s cloak of darkness still awaits.

Soon the sun will fall; enter the moon.

Your eyes are wide, your senses are attuned;

you watch me close, but in a calm, still state.

Little fawn, is Mother coming soon?

The night will drop a blanket dark with gloom.

The day is ending soon; it’s getting late.

Soon the sun will fall; enter the moon.

When morning comes and sunlight’s rays illume,

you will be gone, to live another day.

Little fawn, is Mother coming soon?

Soon the sun will fall; enter the moon.

The birth of authors everywhere,

From the first novelist who was a woman,

Her book was first published in the year 1010

She was from Japan,

Born from the Fujiwara clan,

No one knows of her real name,

But, over the years her book became famous,

It was a romantic story,

The first of many to come into the world,

And it was called,

The Tale Of Genji.

She's Ultra classic,

Got that tatted jacket

With patches sewn on at random.

Ask her and she'll let you

Sharpie your signature

Next to other people she hadn't planned on.

Some scribbled over with anger,

Some circled but it looks more like danger

Rascal with a hit list on her sleeve

Askin’ for nothing but adventure.

Try to get through her shell,

She seems to sell a different decoy

For anyone who comes near.

Hell,

There’ve only been glimpses of the real one.

Anybody sees her true colors she’d be undone

Open up even a little and she’s on the run

Thought that there would be

So much more fun

But can’t back out now.

Go back to where you’re numb.

Gathered up her things

And left in a hurry

Thought she wasn’t just

Another one of your flings

But got a hold of your lust,

Not what you used to be

Buddy.

It Isn’t so funny

When you feel that you must

And obligations of trust

Get in the way.

You always been unsteady

Gears constantly stained

By rust

And something

Muddy.

Esoteric concept

Strung out by some

Incomprehensible and really

Lengthy

String of words

That sound absurd but

Consistently

Doll out some other

Bell dings

Ringing' in my skull

While I fulfill

That pheromone bust.

Got your fill of what you

Said in so many ways was

Impossible to become.

Real enough before the days

When I wasn’t used to my vision being

Blurry.

Back temporarily

Sprouting wings

And armor

Like she’s a newcomer

But ending with

Shouting nothings

At nothing

Because I’m nobody

In the shell of a body

They all call me odd I

Won’t give in to the prodding

And then it’s all over

Hot sting at the end

With my strings

Playing pretend.

But I will not send

What they say my flaws are

Into the submission

Of sad thoughts to drown

In an endless cause

And end up causing

Them all to worry.

So finally sleep with ease

For fleeting sheep

Leave a boring landscape

In the land of bed sheets.

Take me, do.

I am true.

Can I trust you?

Or will you

hurt me too?

I can't

read your eyes.

Should I

expect lies?

I will take

a chance.

On this

romance.

this war will only be won once you slaughter the inches between us

to feel your hands in my hair and carving paths in my back is to know peace

oh dear

you did not teach me to love

you shot me in the chest with the love i deserved

the blood runs blue over my wandering fingers as they fumble to undo my bra

i know with time all things will pass

our memories drained of their saturation

thank god

thank you god

maybe one day i shall return the favor

until then my lungs will rip each other to pieces to forget

the train leaves at 10 don’t forget

for fucks sake how do we go on

makeup and the bars of my rusting tear-filled cage stain the sheets instead of you

oh dear i miss you like the sky yearns for the sun at dawn

dragging you above the horizon

i wonder if you want to rise at all