Sitting here 6:45 in the evening.

Can’t get the words out of my head.

“ The Autumn leaves have got you thinking

About the first time that you fell”

I don’t know how to describe the pain in my heart .

When I hear that line and think of you.

The empty spaces in conversations

grow longer.

The awkward moments of silence

looking for something to say.

Distance in every word and every line.

Tell me this wasn’t all just wasted time.

In the morning sun, I feel the new days warmth.

Empty and hollow, you haven’t been here

For so long.

A shimmer in the light reminds me of that line.

I hear that line and think of you.

The awkward spaces in conversations

grow longer.

The long moments of silence

looking for something to say.

Distance in every word and every line.

Tell me this wasn’t all just wasted time.

David Casabonne ( C ) 09.21.2021 All Rights Reserved

you say I shouldn't do that

and I hear I should change

I say I can't do this anymore

and you hear I give up

you tell me I need to get better

and I hear you're tired of me

I tell you how much I miss you

and you hear you aren't trying

you ask why am I crying

and I hear I have no right

I ask when will you learn

and you hear it's never enough

A blanket covers the ground, but not enough

to make it stick. It stays on the leaves

though well past midday, until the sun

hits the ground just right and the hope

disappears. People pull off jackets.

They continue to complain about the day, but

in the back of their heads they're happy

it's not cold out just yet.

i sat at a table in the back of the party, far off from the crowd, but i could tell that those around me still felt my draining presence. a friend would come up and say, "dance with me!" and i would motion them away with a sigh and say, "i have social anxiety."

i preferred being alone at parties. times like that and i wondered why i even went in the first place, then i remember it was for a social media post or just status. everyone went to those parties in highschool, and if you didn't, you were odd.

i was thinking about that when jake approached my table.

I feel like I can't breathe. I always have a reaction when I see him post something. It's been years now and I still feel this way. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I've been in relationships before and even one since and no other time hurt for this long.

I've heard people talk about "the one that got away" and thought that seemed a little too Disney to me, but now I think I understand. The desire to be with that person doesn't subside over time the way it does with other relationships. The heartbreak doesn't stop and I can't figure out how to move on. The worst part is that he was more like "the one I pushed away" because I was the unhealthy one in the relationship. I still am.

I can already hear rational people giving me advice about how to fix myself, but if I truly am what I expect I am, there is very little hope that I will ever get better. That is not even my self-pity or depression talking. That is the viewpoint of professionals. So it seems that the relationship was doomed from the beginning and only in the past few months can I truly understand why. Despite the bleak outlook, I am still trying to get better. Although, for the first time in my life, I am finally trying to get better simply for myself and not someone I'm dating at the time.

The sad conclusion I've come to is that I cannot be in a relationship and I have had to accept that I may never be in a relationship again. My dreams of one day getting married are crushed, but I am finally able to accept that this is for the best. I cannot continue to hurt the people I date and I know that other peoples' lives will be better for never having been with me. This is one of the hardest realizations I've ever had to come to in my life.

Still...how do I stop loving him? How can I let him go and be with the new person he loves? I know he deserves that. I want him to be happy. I really do. I just keep finding myself wishing that he could have been happy with me; that I was the kind of person that had that ability; that I could have been for him what he was for me. When will I be able to let him go and stop this never-ending pain?

The anticipation

is killing me.

Not the good kind,

Where your stomach fills

with dancing butterflies.

Where your head is filled

with hope and joy.

Where all you want

is to fast forward

and get to where you want to be.

No.

I have the bad kind,

The kind that puts your stomach in knots.

The kind where your head is filled

to the brim with noise.

The kind that makes you want to dig your heels into the ground,

begging

for time to stop.

That's the kind

of anticipation

I have.

And I pray to God

that I have the strength

to make it through.

I don’t want

To always be

The one who makes the first move.

I want someone else to be the one

Who steps up

And puts their feelings out there.

Not in a text.

Not through a friend.

Instead,

I want to be told to my face

That they like me.

That they want to see me.

That they want to hang out with me.

People always put me in positions

To be the one that puts my heart on the line.

They want me to do the work,

The heavy lifting

So that they can claim the prize.

But

Just once

I want someone to lay it all on the line for me.

When it comes to relationships,

I feel royally fucked.

I somehow got it in my head

That every man

Will be like my father.

That they will get angry.

So angry, that the yelling will make me go silent.

That his hands will make fists that pound the walls around me.

Startling me.

Scaring me.

Causing me to hide away until the storm has passed.

And sometimes

I worry

That I will be the one like my father.

i don’t miss you, don’t get me wrong

but i don’t know what to write about

if you’re not the reason behind the song

all i wanted to do was move on

and let the storm clouds clear out

but i’m scared approaching this new dawn

and i don’t know what to do if you’re really gone

before i got better, i thought i’d curse your name forever

i thought i’d cry every night for the rest of my life

thought i’d scream in the rain because of all the pain

but i don’t know who i am; this was never part of the plan

i always counted on getting over it, but i guess i never let myself admit

that i don’t know what to do if i don’t hate you

i don’t know what to do if i don’t hate you

This isn't a joke. I am serious when I say that the laughter has been led to slaughter like the pigs we consume. I am so serious when I tell you that concern has fallen to the wayside, as dead and weightless as the last autumnal leaf. And I am absolutely serious when I state that love has been strangled by the clawed hands of enmity. There's a hunger- grotesque and selfish -that lingers in the collective gaze and it, itself, screams, "NO ONE EVEN SEES YOU..." while still conveying the spiteful fact that they can't WAIT to watch your collapse. Time is ticking... The elements of this life are shaded by banality; lackluster at every turn and she is GONE.

Never again will we genuinely laugh. No, what we emit is a forced cacophony of awkward, stilted tones. We feign concern because we know it's what's expected of humans. And love... We never even mention love because, without her, it doesn't exist. Why so serious...?

Because she is gone.

BECAUSE she is gone.