I was broken

I was torn

You were perfect

to the core

you shattered me in pieces

sliced me to the bone

ripped me right open

made me fall

I was broken

I was torn

you finally left me in peace

when there was nothing

more to brake

by myself I stumbled slowly

in the dark

left by your cruel, stone cold heart

I was broken

I was torn

lost in the emptiness

in need of hope

searching for someone to love,

then you came and

brought me something new,

a silver wrapped kindness

that I opened with joy

I am no longer broken

I am no longer torn

thanks to you

I can now stand up tall,

no longer afraid of my soul

for you brought light

to my very being

shone me from inside

and made me whole

You came and took my hand

You smiled with happiness

that brought love,

You are my savoir

You are my soul

I am trapped. I am in a car. The seatbelt is too tight and I feel like I am suffocating. With each breath I take, I am closer to my death. I find comfort in this statement. I am writing this because I need to be emancipated from this pain and I need to capture my emotions for later usage. I need someone to hold me, to love me unconditionally. I want my grades to be loved, my PTSD to be loved, I want to be wholly loved. I am not though. The people who claim to love me unconditionally are unreliable and unable to keep the promise. Because they too are facing terrible days and emotions. I wanted this car ride to be good. My Ammu told me I needed to be good as well. But when I got in the car it seemed as if she threw me under the bus. She gave a 6 minute lecture on how I need to behave in front of my mom and sister. Then my painfully outspoken mother gave her two cents. It made me feel small and unloved. She told me how I was not welcome to any family trip unless I "shaped up". She told me that because I do not like to be touched I am a phyco and I have weird psychological issues. She doesn't know that whenever I am touched I feel violated and uncomfortable because of my father's abuse. "don't blame everything on your father!" She always says. This insolent, abusive father that I have is the reason for a lot of my issues. I cannot ignore half of my genetic makeup and 5/6 of the problems I possess just because it has to do with my deadbeat father. This whole trip has made me feel horrible. There has been no one there for me. I have felt alone, and I have felt depressed. I have not felt depressed for so long since before he asked me out. But he is at the beach, and we were 500 miles away in places we wish we were not. I am being told that I have caused problems this whole car ride when the people telling me this were the ones who insinuated it. I try so hard to be good. I try so hard with no result. I feel like giving up on attempting to be a "good" daughter when all I ever get told is what I need to fix it, right after i fixed the issue preceding the other. I feel better after writing this. I need to be loved. I need to be held. I feel neglected. I do not want to be told that I am insane and mental for having my own opinions and emotions. 

I 

Feel

So

Lost

At

Times.

Like

I don't

Even belong

In 

This

Lifetime 

Another day,

I'll try and silence my mind

I’ll push through the panic

Breathe through the chaos

I'll lie through conversations

And everyone around me

Will pretend they're okay

With a life like this

Repeating the rhythms of their despondent lives

This is just one more day at a time

Living between the people

With empty faces and worn out souls

I just need to hear someone say

There is more

Somewhere

This cannot be life

Every day I feel so disconnected

From everyone

Yet the desire to connect with anyone

Burns so deep inside me

Like the fire of a million suns

Today was the day. Thomas had it all planned out. Well, I guess at this point it would be weird if he didn't. He had it all, the paper lanterns arranged in the words "Will you go with me to prom, Amy?" he had a bouquet of flowers hidden behind his back. Blue roses, her favourite. He'd kept a journal too, to get prepared for this very occasion. For months he'd been walking behind her on the way to chemistry class (or more like chemisery to him), He had sit behind her and her friends during lunch and caught every word from can't believing Melissa's dad wouldn't let her go to Andrea's party to Riley wanting to date Drake. Yes it has been an awkward couple of weeks but now it was time. It all counted. it all matters. He had learned Amy's address from a secret source known as Bob in History, got the paper lanterns from the art class and even staked out the property ahead of time and learned that a ravage squirrel has it's mind set on chewing off Thomas's leg. That's why in this day, on this special day, he brought along a few peanuts and had scattered them on the neighbours yard to district the buck toothed mammal. Then it happened. The door swung open as Thomas's heart leaped from its cave and Amy stood in the doorway, She peers down the front stairs to message shaped out of the lanterns. "how beautiful," thought Thomas. Her pale skin contrasted her leather  jacket and matching boots. Her black crop top high enough to reveal a dazzling skull belly ring that glimmer matched her dark green eyes. Her ripped black jeans pulled everything together and how cunning she had to have been since her neon pink belt matched her spiky pink hair that reached up to the heavens. But she didn't need heaven, no, for her multiple piercings shimmered like angel kisses all along her face. Thomas kneeled in front of her and held out the flowers. his beaming smile framed by the glisten on nerves. Amy had a much different face though, one Thomas dread. "What the hell is this?" Amy asked. "It's my proposal to you, my princess." said Thomas in reply. "Who the hell are you?" She asked again in disgust. Thomas had a witty reply for he had anticipated this, "The luckiest man on earth if you would." Then Amy realized something, she knew hi, she knew him too well. "Wait! You're that creep that's been stalking me for the past month! Oh my god I'm calling the cops! Get out of here you creep!" She slammed the door as Thomas started to run to her but out of the corner of his eye he saw a flash of fur. He felt the teeth and the pain, he saw the blood. Buck was back, and with his friends. Thomas screamed but it was no use. At least someone loved him. 

“I’m sorry.” She smiled at me, her brows upturned, pained by her own words--or so I’d like to think.

----

To stare at the rain outside my window--the constant tap tap that registered in one ear, ricocheted in the empty back of my mind, then exited the other--was to revisit that moment in time again and again, until the event itself blurred and rewrote itself into a more flattering diary entry. Rejection was like that for me.

Tap tap. Tap tap tap. Sounds tended to echo in the empti--

“Jaxon, get the door.” The matriarch’s voice vibrated against the sound of my own voice.

“Yeah.”

The swish of my socks against the tile floor, the clack of the turned lock, the city traffic that intruded through the ajar door, all noises to tune in to and zone out on.

“Hi, Jaxson,” said a familiar voice--the same voice that uttered over and over “I’m sorry.”

I panned from the ground to the face at the door and snapped a new picture of her smile. “Sophia… what are you doing here?” The apathy in my voice shocked me. I couldn’t detect the sadness I expected.

Her brows turned upwards once more. They pitied me, they were apologetic, but they were anything but pained. “Jason left something here, could I grab it real quick?” Her foot overstepped the door-line before I consented.

“Sure.”

She left her sandals outside the door, wiped her feet on the welcome mat, and dashed into the house. The blur of her figure behind me deleted the incessant auditory stimuli in my head and cleared my eyes. I stared at the ground. Her heart-logoed sandals sat outside the door, refusing to enter. She would never enter my embrace. She loved Jason. She loved the identical copy of me but not me.

A smile crept onto my face from the corners of my mouth. The tap tap stopped. From behind the gray emptiness, a newly lit sun emerged. I sighed. It was the sound of relief, it was the sound of acceptance, it was the sound of moving on, it was no longer the sound of painful numbness. Sigh. At least I got my senses back.

Sitting in the student union, bag at my side

Books strewn about, as if I pretend to study

When I pull the cup and straw to my lips

To drink whilst I scan the union

Sitting still but eyes moving over the colors of tops, sweaters

And hats worn by young women of fashion

Eyes roaming over people as I watch

Like an ant feeling about with bright antennae

When I lock eyes with another, a young woman

Whom is feeling about with her eyes as well

And we stare, frozen by our act of voyeurism

Awkward sweat begins down the neck

And then suddenly, with great effort

The stolen, silent stares are broken

And we go back to roaming with our eyes

Feeling, while others are felt…

I sat down by the river Styx

And listened to the rain

Persephone held for me a cup

And in it all my pain

I stared into her jaden eyes

Having taken my last breath

Into the river she pours the cup

I know at last my death

Fate itself has brought me here

To set upon these shores

Given a guide to offer grace

Heart ceased but life restored

I’ll enter now the afterworld

Free of every grievous ache

The cup poured out and spirit clean

Persephone my soul does take.