This Christmas morning,

My mother got up to cook breakfast for her family

not knowing her son had taken his life upstairs.

This Christmas morning,

My father woke up to wrap a last minute gift for his son

who he didn’t know had already been dead upstairs.

This Christmas morning,

I went upstairs to wake my brother for presents.

Maybe it’s the “What if?” that kills me. I know it was my fault. I tried to blame you. I projected my insecurities onto you. I turned on someone I loved the most.. I made the worst mistake. How dare I blame you. I don’t believe any amount of words or action could express how sorry I am and how sorrowful it was. 18 is young. I can’t blame my age but I was stupid. I try everyday to not be the person I was when I was 18. I try hard to be a better lover. For a moment I felt I was succeeding... yet the loss still stings. Or is it just disappointment in myself because I wish I knew better. I wish I was healthier at that time too.

I’ve realized that sometimes your ex isn’t a bad person. Maybe they’re young, maybe they’re stupid or maybe you’re asking them to care for you in a way they aren’t capable of. Sometimes people meet and there’s a flame. Maybe it’s brief or maybe it lasts a while til the flame dwindles and there’s nothing but ash. You can try to rekindle or salvage what’s left but it should’ve never have died in the first place. You simply weren’t meant for each other and the love wasn’t there to keep the flame growing. I don’t believe people are born bad but there is a lot of ignorance. It’s why humans strives to educate themselves. Love can change someone for the better. Do not try to change your partner if they love you they will learn to compromise. I’m sorry to all the men and women who have been hurt in the past by old passions and infatuations. None of you are bar people because you couldn’t make it work.

It feels like everything I cared about and loved was ripped away from me. I exploded, I panicked and my world felt like it was crumbling into sand that gravity pulled from my fingers as I held tighter. It’s complete insanity. The wind’s speed picks up and Im frantically trying to salvage whatever’s left but the wind blows everything away into a dark abyss. I can’t let go of what was taken from me but I’m too scared to chase them into the abyss because I know I might never come back.. instead I sit and stare at what used to be. Watching my old life fade before my eyes and feeling the pain of being forgotten.

It's Sophmore year and I'm desprately searching for a familiar face. I find yours in this crowded place. We're not friends and we've never really hung out but I know you. You were a friend of a friend, or at least you were back then. Years later you're no where near but inbetween we discoverd love that seemed to dissapear. I can't decide if I would do it all over again or just look at you and smile. Maybe give a little nod and just keep walking because today, we're no longer talking..

I hate how when we first met, it felt like we'd be bestfriends forever.

I hate how we got a little too comfortable with each other and you said you were falling for me.

I hate how one day I realized I was falling for you too.

I hate how you asked me out on my birthday and I said yes.

I hate how you would drive me to cheer practice because it was an hour and a half away and you were afraid I'd be too tired to drive.

I hate every jam session we had in our cars together and how after a long day we'd fall asleep together.

I hate all of our inside jokes and the way we smiled when we kissed.

I hate that we planned our wedding and dreamnt up names for kids.

I hate how we planned a future and then 3 years later I moved across the country.

I hate how those next 6 months grew harder and harder.

I hate how you flew across to visit me and I hate how much I cried when you left.

I hate how we grew distant and none of us did anything about it.

I hate how when you look back at it I actually wasn't the one to give up at all.

You ended it, you said it was over.

I hate how much more I cried that night and found myself in the arms of someone new after two weeks.

I hate how it hurt you and how he wasn't you.

I hate how I stayed with him and you never told me how you felt.

I hate how after 8 months later I was nothing but the past.

I hate how you grew cold and didn't care about my feelings.

I hate that you blamed me even when it wasn't even my fault.

And I absolutely hate that you said you loved me at all.