I sat down in the pew the usher nodded at, sliding all the way down to the end closest to the aisle. As I settled in, I sighed, a certain feeling coming over me.

Sadness.

I straightened my bright coral tie in an attempt to shift my focus to something else but it didn’t work. Slipping my hand into my suitcoat pocket, I pulled out a small stuffed frog. It had been a light green color but now it was leaning towards a grungy dark green from years of traveling around with me.

I ran my thumb over its back and for a second, I’m not sitting in a church waiting for a wedding to begin, I’m back in fifth grade, sitting in my chair next to Kat.

“Hey,” she said, plopping down in her chair beside me. “Happy birthday.”

She dropped a small green box on my desk and smiled. “Open it.”

A wide grin spread across my face as I pulled off the white ribbon and opened the gift. Inside, nestled on a bed of white tissue paper, was a little green frog.

“Thanks!” I said, picking it up and holding it in my hand. The frog was a light green with little yellow spots on it’s back and the cutest face. Its little dark eyes stared up at me while it grinned.

“Nice to meet you, Kole,” it seemed to say. I smiled and sat it down on my desk.

“I got it for you ’cause I know you’ve always wanted a frog for a pet,” Kat explained. “But your parents won’t let you. What are you going to name it?”

“Iggy,” I replied instantly.

She smiled. “It’s nice.”

The teacher rapped her ruler on the desk and the conversation ended there. I mentally fast-forwarded a few years to high school. I still had the green frog in my backpack, always there when I needed a good smile.

We were sitting at a table in the cafeteria, one slice of pizza per person.

“How did your math test go?” Kat asked me, taking a bite of her pizza.

Kat was in advanced math so we weren’t in the same class. She had tutored me for a week in preparation for this test and I had hoped and prayed I’d pass.

“I think I did good,” I answered. I glanced down at my pizza and then out the window.

“Why aren’t you eating?” she asked, setting her slice down. A concerned look spread across her face. She followed my gaze out the window. “What are you thinking about?”

That’s how Kat was. She could tell when I was distracted or upset and always managed to get me to talk.

“Well?” she prodded, nudging me with her foot under the table.

I just shook my head.

She reached across the table and grabbed my backpack which was sitting beside me. As she pulled it over the table to her, she tipped over an almost empty water-bottle which I caught just in time.

She reached into the front pocket and pulled out the green frog which she set on the palm of her hand. She wiggled it from behind and, in a high pitched voice, began to speak.

“Kole, what’s wrong?” she made the frog ask.

I smiled but still didn’t talk.

“Kola Bear,” the frog wined. “What’s wrong?”

“Fine,” I gave in. Kat put the frog down on top of my backpack and waited for me to continue. “Football tryouts are today and I’m nervous.”

“You’ve been playing football since pewie,” she said as she returned to eating her pizza. “You’re going to do great!”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to convince myself of,” I explained. “But have you seen some of those guys?”

She didn’t say anything but rather put Iggy back into his reserved pocket and handed my backpack back to me.

“You’re going to do great,” she assured me.

I did make the team and played for all four years of high school. I was a wide receiver and was the member of the team everybody depended on. I led my team to three championships in the time I played and, in my senior year, helped them win the championship.

After high school, Kat and I drifted apart. I had gotten a football scholarship to Louisiana State University and was soon the number one player on the team. As for Kat, she went to Michigan State University to get a Bachelors in Literature.

Over the summers, we both went back to our home town. Since we were next door neighbors, we hung out a lot and soon starting dating.

People told us that dating was a bad idea seeing as we’d been friends for our whole lives. They said that if something went wrong, we would never be able to return to being just friends.

Our dating relationship lasted for a little over a year before we mutually decided to go back to being friends. The people were wrong though. Just because we had dated didn’t mess up the fact that we would always be best friends. If anything, it brought us closer together.

I was a little hurt after the breakup but I soon moved on after meeting Mally, a nice, outgoing girl from my college. I dated Mally for six months before she cheated on me with a transfer student. After that, I never really got back into the ring.

Kat and I still texted back and forth and talked on the phone about once every two weeks and she seemed to be the only thing keeping me in one piece. Between senior year finals and preparing for NFL drafts, I was very stressed. We studied over Skype or talked on the phone while I worked out or practiced my drills.

One day, she told me she had a boyfriend named James. At first, I was a little jealous but that jealousy quickly turned to happiness. Kat was happy with James. James had been a classmate of ours back in high school and he and I never really got along but then again, we had both changed a lot since high school. Turns out, he was playing football where he was going to school just like I was so we had a lot to talk about.

I got drafted by the North Carolina Panthers and loved it. I loved the thrill of standing in the middle of the field, surrounded on all sides by screaming fans. I loved belonging to a team of great guys and wonderful coaches but I was still lonely. Yes, football took up a lot of my time but when I had free time, I spent it at the gym or out on the field. Not with my buddies and their girlfriends or wives.

I guess you could say being single pushed me to be a better person so when I did meet the right person, I’d be right for them too. I always had Kat in mind.

Every night, whether it was after practice or a big game, I’d look at the little green frog on my dresser and smile. Kat had given it to me and it was what kept me going.

During interviews, the little green frog was in my pocket. During pregame practice, the little green frog was in my pocket, and during the games, it was in my locker in the locker room, cheering me on. I went everywhere with that little green frog, the only thing tying me back to Kat.

After playing for a year in the NFL, I got a call from Kat.

“I’m getting married!” she squealed into my ear. My heart sank as did my moral. I didn’t play as well during the games and couldn’t find any motivation to go to the gym after practice or practice my footwork in my free time.

But I soon realized that moping about my first and really only love getting married wasn’t good for my health and soon, I was happy that she was happy. Was I still a little upset that it wasn’t me? Sure but I was happy for her.

The wedding march began to play, snapping me back to the current event. Kat’s wedding. I stood up with the rest of the people as the bride made her way down the aisle. Our eyes met for a split second and she smiled.

“I’m glad you came,” she mouthed as she walked by. I nodded, smiling back.

That’s when I realized that I wasn’t sad. I was happy.

The wedding was beautiful. The deep royal blue of the bridesmaids’ dresses went perfectly with Kat’s crisp white dress and I’ll admit, I almost cried. Almost.

After the wedding and reception, all the guests gathered on the front lawn of the church to let their sky lanterns fly away into the night sky. As I stood across from Jenna, Kat’s younger sister, I began to think.

“These are wishing lanterns right?” I asked Jenna.

She nodded. “Yeah. You’re supposed to write your wish down on it and let it fly.”

“Well then, let’s write our wishes down,” I said. She left me holding the lantern while she went to get a pen. When she returned she handed the pen to me first and I began to write.

In big, loopy handwriting, I wrote.

For Kat to be happy.

I handed the pen to Jenna and waited patiently as she wrote down her wish. When she was done, she put the cap on the pen and we released the lantern into the sky. The small fire inside of it propelled it upwards and farther away from us but before it went out of sight, I saw Jenna’s wish.

For Kole to find someone he loves.

I looked over at her and she smiled. I felt tears spring to my eyes as I realized what she knew.

“I have a question for you,” she said, standing beside me. “Are you happy for Kat?”

I nodded. “Yes, I’m happy for them both.”

“Do you love my sister?” she asked. I could tell she wanted to take the question back.

“Yes,” I nodded again. “That’s why it’s so easy to let her go like this. I know she’s happy with James. That’s all I want her to be; happy.”

Afterward:

Kat settled down on the couch of her wedding suite and stared at the pile of presents and cards by the door. She smiled.

“I can’t believe so many people came to our wedding, James,” she said. He dropped his suit on the bed and walked over to her, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“I’m going to bring in the rest of our bags,” he told her. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

As he walked out of the room, Kat spotted a little green box with a white ribbon tied around it. Getting up, she walked over and picked it up, carefully removing the white ribbon. She opened the box and there, nestled in the white tissue paper was a little green frog. Not the tattered on Kole owned but a brand new one with shiny black eyes and a perfect smile. Underneath it was a white piece of paper folded in half. She picked up the note and read.

Dear James and Kat,

I wish you the best of luck as you begin your new life together. This frog is a reminder that I will always be praying for you two.

P.S. The frog’s name is Iggy

Kat sat down on the floor and held the frog close to her heart, tears in her eye.

Once there was a little girl, sweet and naive.

Now there is a taller girl, joyful and carefree.

Lest you believe this was an easy feat,

let me share the story of this little Bo-Peep

You are always 50 paces away from me

For “distance makes the heart grow fonder,”

or so they say.

Intimacy makes my heart race,

not with joy, but in fear.

“Please don’t hug me.”

Anxiety claws her nails down my spine.

My decision?

I refuse to be controlled by her any longer,

done with her desire to push everyone away.

I faced her head on and said...

“I love you. It is okay to let them in.”

 I wrapped my arms around her,

a smile crossed her lips, 

and she was gone.

Once there was a little girl, sweet and naive.

Now there is a taller girl, joyful and carefree.

Lest she remain with her walls held high,

let me finish this story with a sweet goodbye.

Eu cresci falando português, but school began.

Eu amava viajando para Brasil, but it got too expensive.

Eu tenho saudade da minha família, but I can’t see them anymore.

Eu cerrou lembra os dias bons, but they seem so far away.

I miss meu cultura.

It was not so long ago

A pleasure I had to forgo:

Your lips on my lips

Brushing skin like fingertips.

Oh how dearly I miss you

Your presence like morning dew

Sticking stubbornly to my heart

Wishing nothing drew us apart.

Do you miss me so?

Memories dragged in tow

Of the days and nights

Everything felt so right.

I must live in the moment

For longing after you is torment.

Waiting for you to crawl back

Is like waiting for the earth to crack.

Waiting for you is pointless

I shall not remain joyless

Come again oh love

Push me back into life with a shove.

What happens when you stop feeling?

Going through the motions of life,

Always rushing to arrive at a

temporary destination.

You don’t stop feeling because of pain or loss.

You are just too busy to feel.

What is the opposite of love?

Most of you thought “hate”.

Hate is not the opposite of love,

Apathy is.

So how can I love, when I feel nothing?

Simple answer.

It starts with empathy.

Not “I know how you feel”,

But “tell me how you feel”.

That is what we all need.

So tell me, how do you feel?

Tears streak down her face,

As she reads the diary entries of before,

Ones filled with pain and sorrow,

And melancholy more.

Friends who were not friends,

A love forever lost,

Anger of betrayal pure,

Dealing at a cost.

Her heart has been tortured,

A hot knife pierced in,

Beaten by the close,

Her heart is now tin.

Rusted it is now,

Afraid to open again,

To the pain and sorrow,

She will receive when?

Puppets on string,

the front-lines are little dolls,

the chain holding their limp spines.

Clay molded by hands,

melting ever-so-slowly,

nails digging into their skin.

Children's young minds are strung 

by the ever-so-mighty,

the wiser and the powerful.

Their minds are susceptible clay molded

after the dictators of the home.

Mirror images are the nightmares of origin.